"The Woman Who Walks Alone..."

I was reading some business blog post the other day and I came across this quote by Einstein: 

”The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before."

I've always liked walking alone and, although I'm not sure if I've found myself in places that no one has ever been before, I certainly live a life that none of my female ancestors - including my mother - has ever been able to live.

A while back I did some extensive research on the maternal line of my family tree and I think about these women often. I think about the limited choices they had regarding who they married and when, how many children they had and even if they would survive each birth, and how a great part of their lives was already scripted based on the limitations society placed on them just because they were women. And those limitations just don't apply to me.

My Mum had me at 16, her Mum had her at 18, and her Mum had her at 20. They all married men who were violent and an utter waste of space if truth be told - and sadly they all had to get married because they were pregnant. They cooked, cleaned, raised children, and basically made sure that every single other person in the family had what they needed. All at the expense of their own ambitions and happiness. Men may help out a bit around the house and with the kids (now at least) but statistically it's women who do the lion's share of the work.

But I don't have to do any of that. I can travel freely, go to exhibitions and the cinema by myself without comment, make my own money and don't have to ask for 'housekeeping' like my Mum did, I don't have to spend my life on my knees scrubbing floors as a maid (which most women would've done until their back gave out and they were unemployable and broken at the age of 40), and I can choose if I want to have children or even be in a relationship. I answer to no-one.

Plus I was given a free education - and even with only five measly GCSEs and no degree I now run TWO businesses. I had the opportunity to make whatever life I wanted for myself and this is something that none of my female ancestors had because of the time they were born in. How fucking lucky am I?!

I often wonder though if I have this life because I walk alone or despite it. Could I have achieved this much freedom if I'd been married or in a long-term relationship? I think I could've achieved some of it but if I'd had kids or a joint mortgage for example then I might not have had the money to travel or time to set up my business as I'd have other responsibilities to meet. I can sit and read all day if I like which is a luxury many women don't have. In fact, It's nearly noon on a Sunday and I'm not even dressed - and I might not even bother!

My personal in-my-heart feeling on the matter though is that I've achieved this level of happiness and freedom because I have no ties. I miss out on all the great things that come with a relationship but I'm also spared all the shit as well. I think women (in particular) are bound by relationships - whether of their own making or not - it just happens. And, weighing up the two, I think I prefer the relationship I have with the world when I meet it head on by myself. The things I lack by being in a relationship (on balance) don't make up for the joy I experience being by myself.

But I also appreciate that that's just me and I how I feel. Maybe I could be in a relationship and not feel hindered by the compromise that seems to come with it. I have a feeling I might find this situation a bit later in life because God knows I've been in a TON of relationships and have never been able to figure out how you make them work and still be true to yourself. I seem to be allergic to them yet keep going back to see if I can find a balance. And although I haven't managed it so far, that's not to say that one day I won't.

I also like looking at Einstein's statement differently. I read it with the emphasis on 'the finding herself' bit. I seem to lose myself in relationships and I don't like that at all. I live a very liberated and charmed life in a time where I have the option of being able to 'find myself' which is a luxury that none of my ancestors had. I think that whichever path women choose, the most important thing is that we can choose - which is something that a lot of women on the planet still don't have.

I've also never been good at physically following crowds which is something that might even save my life one day. I've noticed that most people seem to become like cattle in crowds and just switch into auto-pilot. I saw a programme once where a man escaped a place crash because he used his initiative and jumped over seats when evacuating when everyone else just queued in the aisle until they were overcome by smoke.

The other day too, I was waiting for a train when a platform change announcement was made. Out of around 30 people, only me and one other person moved to the new platform - the others just stood there. They had to make the announcement twice more before the others joined us. So I'm hoping that come the zombie apocalypse my unwillingness to follow a crowd might even increase my chances of survival!

I'm Sizzling Baby!

Things are going really great in my life at the moment. Loads of brilliant things are going on, or are in progress and I have to say that I'm pretty excited for my future.

* Both my businesses are stellar and, although I nearly had a burn-out breakdown yesterday, I can see the light. I'm just about to start selling paid downloads on one site as the traffic has just peaked at 14K hits for the last 30 days. You heard right - effing amazing huh? Basically I wrote a couple of helpful blog posts and they score so high for certain search terms that I had to expand my band width. I didn't even do it on purpose!

So the paid products I've spent ages developing (well 2 weeks but intensely) should be live in the next day or 2 and if all goes well then I hope to be making money while I sleep baby! With that cash I'm going to hire a business developer to help me see how to make even more money by expanding all my businesses. I know I'm doing something right cos people contact me all the time to say how impressed they are with my business models.

* I've seen that the guy who pays for my flat (if you're new here it's a long story but he's an American client who needs a place in the UK but I live in it cos he's never here - nothing dodgy or saucy, just business) has sorted out some post that was being redirected from an old address to this address - which is not something you'd do if you were not about to renew the lease in 3 months... I hope. So it looks like I'll be staying here another year which makes me very happy.

* The weather in the UK is marvellous at the moment. After the longest Winter known to man, Britain is sweltering. I'm not one for really hot weather (really hot weather here is about 30 degrees max by the way) but I do like it to be warm at least. My favourite time of the year by far is Autumn actually but the Winter we've just had was a right malingerer.

When it's too hot though it can be a bit uncomfortable. I work from home so I'm indoors or in a cafe anyway, and I get a heat headache if I'm out in the sun too long. Plus you get a bit sticky and uncomfortable as the UK has no systems in place for extremes of weather. We have hardly any air conditioning for the heat, we can't handle snow, if it rains too much we flood, and the trains will stop running whatever the weather.

* My love life has picked up a bit and I've been getting some rumpy pumpy for the first time since last August. A guy I've dated twice before (another long story but we decided to leave it both times as he was going through a messy divorce instigated by him) so he could focus on his main priorities. Anyway, he's been asking me to hang out for 7 months now and I hadn't really even noticed.

Turns out that he thinks we're right for each other so has been persevering each week to see me again and again. Who knows what will happen there but I'm so glad to be getting some that I'm not thinking too hard about it - that's what kind of a tramp I am.

Bizarrely he said he wanted to be with me 2 days after my best friend and I made a list of the kinds of attributes the kind of man I need should have in order for it to work. And he has all of them so the cosmos was sure paying attention that day. His main fault is that he does talk a hell of a lot (and I can really go on) but he shuts up between the sheets, so if I keep him busy we're both happy.

Overall the thing I'm most pleased about is my business. I get a great deal of pleasure from work but I've never been very good at sniffing out the money. Helping people and doing the work yes, earning a load of money - not so much. But if I get it right then I might finally start to reap the rewards of my hard labour. Eeeeeek! 

Blogging Challenge Day 21: A List Of Links To Your Favorite Posts In Your Archives

My Double Edged Sword - l like this post as it's all about my identity as a single woman without any children and how it's hard to measure your worth or happiness when so much of your identity is defined by others on whether you have any children or not.

 I'd also come out of a bit of a gloomy phase and had been having a bit of a worry about what I'd done with my life - I'd been comparing myself to the 'traditional' view of women I guess so had no measure of where I stood in the world. This post is me redefining myself and confirming how happy I was not to have a 'conventional' life.

I Passed My Driving Test! - Self explanatory really. I passed my test first time at the age of 40 after doing around 90 hours of lessons in exactly 7 weeks. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done and therefore the thing I'm most proud of.

Fight Apathy - or Don't - This post is important as it's the one that caused a furore at work and instigated me going freelance. The post itself seems quite innocuous at first glance but I mentioned in it that I had worked a lot of weekends and this pissed my manager off.

My immediate manager knew that I had this blog (trusting rookie mistake), read this post and went and told her manager about it. I then got called in to his office to find them both sitting there 'wanting to have a word'. They bring up my comment about all the weekends I've done to which I reply to by telling them that, as I actually write the rota myself, it's not as if I've got a huge problem with it and that it's my anonymous personal blog and I can write what I want.

They then decide they don't really have a leg to stand on so my boss says that he doesn't want to see another word on my blog about setting up my own business until I walk in and put my notice letter on his desk. Obviously I'm furious about this so a week later he walks into his office to find my resignation letter on his desk. Prick.

After I left my job I wrote a blog post saying how I felt she'd really stabbed me in the back by telling her boss about my blog and that she could hardly talk as she used to say X,Y, and Z about him. I left the post up for a week or so to make sure they'd both read it - he wouldn't have been able to read it if she hadn't told him where my blog was remember - then I deleted it. I wanted to see how she felt being hauled into his office. Cow. 

Blogging Challenge Day 14: Issue a Public Apology

The full title being - issue a public apology. This can be as funny, serious or as creative as you want it to be.

So far I've managed to traced my maternal line back to the late 18th Century to a woman called Joan. Joan was born in Devon around 1770 and she had a daughter, who had a daughter, who had a daughter, who had a daughter, who had a daughter, who had a daughter, who had a daughter ... who decided to leave it there.

So this is an open apology to all my female ancestors. I have a life that many of you might not have wanted for yourselves but I imagine some of you dreamt about once in a while. I didn't have to marry the first man I slept with and who went on to abuse at least 3 of you that I know of. I don't spend my day doing exhausting back-breaking work, and I'm not going to die of cholera or end up in a workhouse.

I have numerous gadgets that make my life easy and pleasant. A machine washes my clothes, I don't need a mangle to dry them and the job doesn't take a whole day. I sleep in the softest luxury and my house is warm. I don't have to get on my hands and knees to clean my floors, I have one gadget for curling my hair,another to straighten it then a different one to dry it. I can press my clothes in minutes. 

I can curl and colour my eyelashes. I can sit comfortably unrestricted by corsets and skirts or I can wear both if I choose to. I don't have to swelter in Summer because of the clothes society says I should wear, I can travel the world by myself, and I am free to choose what work I do or I can spend a whole day reading if I want to. There is nobody making any demands on my time and my life is my own.

My wonderful lost family I wholeheartedly apologise for not carrying on your line. You might have been disappointed that I decided not to continue with the daughter (or indeed whole child) thing but I'm pretty sure you'd be proud of me anyway. It's just that I can choose to be whomever I want to be and I chose not to have any children. Sorry about that.

Each to Their Own

Man there are some weird blogs on this site. If you've never spent some time hitting 'Next Blog' at the top of the screen then you are missing out my friends. It's an exercise in terror.

Most are to do with sports but many of them are also god-related. This isn't always evident at first however; sometimes you read down a little ways and are then confronted with a blessing or proverb. This is when I generally try to virtually tiptoe quietly away and hope I'm not spotted. Not that people know you're there of course, it's just that I suddenly get the fear wash over me and I feel the need to make a sharp exit.

Lots of blogs were sitting there sad and lonely where the person has given up writing it a year or two ago (we all know how easily that happens!) And quite a few were focused on their kid, so endless stories and photos of one dull, snotty-nosed little darling doing the usual stuff - going to school, playing on swings etc.

Here are some examples of what I've found in the last half hour:

This family's blog is entirely about their kid who they are actively encouraging to be stupid. They describe themselves as thus: "We are a nature loving, co-sleeping, unschooling family, striving for a peaceful lifestyle." Which means they are colossal hippies, the couple never have sex, and their kid will grow up to be a thickie. 

This poor bastard hasn't written since Nov 2011 just after he was institutionalised after a psychotic breakdown. A very harrowing story made slightly understandable when you read that he was a physics teacher. This blog started out quite happily in 2007 and somewhere along the line he seems to have descended into madness. His last post was quite rambling and when I looked at the 15 comments, most of them were spam. People who didn't care that he was crying out for help, they just wanted to sell him shit or ask him to come and read their blog. Dreadful.

This fella is mental about Ukulele's, so if you've been tossing and turning at night wondering how you can find out a bit more about the ukulele and it's finer workings then this blog has all the answers you'll need and more. You can even watch a short video of the writer play the theme music to Glee on a trumpet. Just joking... a ukulele!

This is a weird one. It seems to be some young tech and fashion-savvy Asian girl writing about all sorts of mad stuff with lots of repeat videos of her posing around in some tiny outfits in her parents living room. Her blog is sort of a paedophile's wet dream actually as she's a bit Lola-ish in some of the videos. She's kinda cool actually, in a too-kool-for-skool way.

I also read wide-eyed and mouth agape about one poor cow's account of her agonising childbirth, how the baby pooed inside her, and how her "right labia nearly ripped completely off". I don't have children and never once fancied going down that route - my labia are doing thank you very much. she hasn't blogged since the birth, which is fair enough.

So if you've got a spare half hour then I highly recommend 'Next Blogging'. Just gird your loins first.

I'm Poorly But I Have No Kids!

Today is my third day of feeling and looking as rough as a badgers arse. I came home from a friends on Thursday night with a banging headache and, although I'd hoped it was the red wine that was the cause, I suspected otherwise.

I now ache all over. My ears ache, my teeth ache, and day 3 has also bought with it a tickley hacking cough and a snotty nose. I have looked better.

There is one positive aspect to all however. I was lying in bed this morning after the most awful night of being freezing cold then too hot, coughing myself awake every 10 minutes, and snotting all over the pillow and I suddenly realised how fortunate I was not to have any kids to look after.

I was lucky enough to be able to lie there until half 10 feeling dreadful. If I'd had kids, I would have had to drag myself up hours before to get their breakfast ready and dress them. even if my boyfriend had done this instead, I would be lying there listening to kids running and shouting when my head was splitting open. Instead, I could lie on the sofa feeling sorry for myself and crochet, read my Kindle, watch TV, or have a little kip. 

There have been an innumerable number of times that I have felt lucky not to have any children - as you know I've never even heard one tick from my broken clock and this has suited me just fine. That existence would not suit me whatsoever and today I counted my blessings once again. I may be poorly but at least I can be sick in peace and quiet!

Suffering Little Children

As mentioned, the only thing that marred our holiday in France was the behaviour of a couple of the kids. There were 4 children altogether - lets call them Dylan, Rosa, Jago and Amelie for 'twas their names.

Dylan and Jago weren't too bad to be fair; they were noisy as all kids are, but they behaved themselves most of the time. The 2 girls however were a bloody nightmare. I am not exaggerating when I say that not 15 minutes passed without some crying, whinging or whining, and I could even hear them over my headphones.

Rosa is 6 and seemed to be fretful about everything; nothing could make her happy and everything she said was in the highest whiniest voice she could muster. At no point did either of her parents say "just stop it. enough already", they just pandered to her and let her continue to irritate the hell out of everyone. Well I say everyone; it seems that if you have kids you somehow become immune to the sound of brat.

They thundered along the corridor outside our room early every morning, and after we were kept awake by them shrieking around in the open plan kitchen, BBF went downstairs to say something and only then did their Mums take them into the designated fully-stocked play room complete with dvd player and everything else a child might need to occupy itself in order to result in a bit of shut the fuck up.

Amelie was the worst; from the first morning the word "Mummmeeee" was repeated endlessly. The reason she constantly repeated every sentence over and over and over and over again was because both of her parents ignored her. She never stopped and her whiny voice was the soundtrack to the holiday really. We wanted to shout "for the love of God just bloody answer her!"

All of the kids except Jago were sick while we were there. Dylan started it all off by projectile vomiting all over the floor, his Mum and himself whilst we were eating dinner. By the time he had finished throwing up half the swimming pool he was ankle deep in it. He then kept going all night and, not wanting to be left out, all the other children followed suit over the next few nights. I know it wasn't their fault but let's just say they were not discreet children.

Never have I been so glad not to have any kids.  You all know I'm not keep on them, but I was constantly congratulating myself for my child-free status. I was so pleased it was not me cleaning up that massive puddle of sick, and the relief I felt when Amelie shat her pants one morning was palpable. Between them they were either being ignored or life revolved around them. At the beginning of the holiday we could have stayed there forever, but by the last day we couldn't wait to leave.

Vive La France!

As you know I just got back from 5 days in France. One of BBF's friends was turning 40 and had paid to hire a big barn conversion for all of us to stay in; the property was in Lignerolles right in the middle of the country and slap bang in the middle of nowhere.

There were 14 of us altogether; Nick and Emma (it was his birthday) and their 2 kids, Emma's Sister and her husband and their 2 kids, and Emma's friend Charlotte and her husband and their 2 teenage boys. 

The teenagers were lovely; really polite and helpful and a delight to be around but the other kids were a nightmare. I'll leave them for another blog post as I have quite a bit to say about them and it would be nice to focus on the more positive aspects of the holiday today!

BBF borrowed his Mum's convertible and we took the ferry over to Calais early last Saturday; we spent the crossing going over the route  (I was navigating) as we had a 7 hour drive ahead of us. It turns out that French roads have 2 names and their road signs bear no relation to the map; but after a couple of wrong turns, getting lost in Rouen, paying 13 Euros for a burger and a routine police breathalyser check at a toll where we discovered BBF's Mum keeps her insurance docs in the house rather than the car, we arrived after nightfall at the house. 

Upon arrival we found a mental Grendel-type neighbour who had moved from Paris to get some peace and quiet only to discover next door was now a holiday home! All we did was get out of the car and walk into the house but he started shouting and screaming and then threw stones at us! aaahhh, the French... He was known to the owners and we'd been left with strict instructions to call the police if he kicked off but he didn't hassle us again after that thankfully.

The house was gorgeous; it had tiled floors, wooden beams, 4 bathrooms, a huge kitchen-diner, a massive living room with a gigantic TV, a pool, lots of sun loungers, an ivy-covered seating area and a barbecue. We had fresh baguettes and croissants every morning, lots of lovely wine, hams and cheese and we sat down for a big meal together each evening. 

Most of the holiday was spent happily lolling around the garden drinking wine, sunbathing and reading. It was very hot so I impulsively decided to turn my only pair of jeans into shorts (it's hard to sunbathe and keep your modesty in a skirt) but I still managed to get some wear out of my new ooo-la-la French Breton top which I was pleased about. We were lucky with the weather although I was slightly disappointed to hear it had been nice in Brighton as well!

For some reason there were tonnes of really aggressive wasps knocking about and I got stung on my finger and on the back of my knee. I'm not fussed about wasps but hadn't been stung since I was a teenager so was shocked to find out that it hurts like fuck! I couldn't bend my leg until the next day but after making a shandy beer trap I think I killed the bastard along with two dozen others. They got BBF as well, and Nick got stung for the first time in his life on his birthday which resulted in his hand blowing up like a balloon. He was pretty stoical about it unlike myself.

One afternoon I wandered along the lane into the fields to escape the noise that 13 other people make and spent a while quietly sitting against a hay bale listening to the cicadas and watching the crickets jump out of the crispy stubble of the hay field. I don't think you really get to have a 'personal relationship' with a place until you spend some time with it on your own and it was really peaceful there.

On Nick's birthday he was sent off to get baguettes first thing so we could decorate the garden with balloons and bunting we'd made from red and yellow paper serviettes. Later we went to a Go-Ape type of place then that evening a huge thunderstorm broke and it tipped it down. I love thunderstorms and see one every time I go abroad. Due to the heat, they're usually so much more impressive than here, and we could hear it rumbling around the house as we ate dinner He then opened his presents and we all had cake - he said it was a perfect birthday.

The Go-Ape place was pretty cool; the menfolk flew manly down zip wires in nappy-style harnesses and the womenfolk watched the kids playing on the adventure playground praising them for their ability to stay on a rope bridge without falling into a safety net one foot below. I spent most of the afternoon outside the cafe with my book and a glass of red wine which suited me perfectly. I did get some good photos of BBF grimacing in apprehension as he teetered precariously in the tree-tops though.

Overall the holiday was lovely; I got a bit of a tan and a great time was had by all. The kids put a bit of a dampener on it a bit especially as we neared our last day, but we consoled ourselves with the fact that we could go home and their parents were stuck with them for life. I wondered why we don't do more holiday'y things especially as we live in a holiday town, but I guess you get so wrapped up in your routine that you don't get to properly relax until you go away.

I had those usual idealistic thoughts of trying to incorporate parts of the holiday into my life and so far I'm not doing too badly. I've made more of an effort to get on with work instead of faffing around so I can have a proper lunch outside on the step with a book, and I'm currently drinking a glass of red wine as I type. I think I'll definitely be able to keep that one up if nothing else!

Crocheting - Nicer Than Kids

Yup getting shit loads of crocheting done! I have also been to see 3 films - 4 Lions, Robin Hood and Sex and The City. One was brilliant, one was pretty good and the other was abysmal. I will be writing thorough reviews tomorrow for you all.

I've been perfecting a crochet cupcake frosting technique (I can't believe I just wrote that) as a very popular cupcake shop in town has said they'll sell my stuff so I want to make some to reflect their own cakes; plus I'm working on some squares to make a throw which may be for myself or given as a present - I'm not sure yet. Each square takes ages but I do them whilst watching TV in the evening. To be honest, I'm just effing love crocheting now!

The dating thing is going kind of ok; the charity fella is abroad until the middle of the week but I had a drink with someone else in the meantime. I figured that unless you've snogged someone then no commitment gesture has been made thus I am still very much single.

I met up with Paul on Friday and could tell he was disinterested before I'd even sat down; I wasn't fussed though as I'd already emailed him to say I wasn't sure if there was any point in us meeting as he is only 5'8" and has 2 kids. (Well, I mentioned the kid bit) what's the point in getting involved with someone who has kids when you've actively chosen not to have any and don't even really like them? None that's what. He'd said there was no harm in meeting though, so against my better judgement I'd agreed.

He had contacted me on the site although I had specified in the tick boxes both a height limit (5'9") and that he either had to not have any kids or have some that were not living with him. I didn't mind giving a bit of leeway on the height as, although I like to wear heels, nobody is perfect, but the kid thing is a big sticking point. Being someone's Mum is bad enough, being someone's stepmum is worse and being Dad's girlfriend makes you at the bottom of the pecking order entirely. This is not a life I have chosen for myself and thought I was being too generous with the kid criteria anyway.

And that is about as far as the dating thing is going really; the vegan and I never bothered to contact each other again despite having got on ok, but I could see issue with both him going to live in Mexico for a year from August and the fact he was a vegan. The best thing about it was that he never wanted a piece of my cake but I imagine it would be hard to live with someone who you couldn't eat with!

I will obviously keep you posted on how all that turns out.

My Double Edged Sword

I must say that looking back I have had a bit of a wibble these last few months; I've come across a few articles lately that define what seems have been the problem.

Basically, if a woman has found herself in her late 30's without children, a husband, and a mortgage then what is her role and how does she define herself? What has she achieved and how do these achievements rate against the scale of the more traditional path? If she insists she is happy, should she be believed or pitied?

In the book Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert asks: "..what if either by choice or by reluctant necessity, you end up not participating in this comforting cycle of family and continuity, how do you mark time's passage without the fear that you've just frittered away your time on Earth without being relevant? You'll need to find another purpose, another measure by which to judge whether or not you've been a successful human being. I love children, but what if I don't have any? What kind of person does that make me?"

In my opinion it depends on how a woman feels about the other path; has she always wanted a family, a house and to be a wife? has she never been interested in these things, or has she just found herself without them? When I've been worrying lately that I 'don't have anything', a young cousin of mine pointed out that it wasn't surprising that I hadn't settled down to family life because I've never liked responsibility and never desired to have a family in the first place!

A couple of days ago I read a post by another blogger that confirmed to me that I wouldn't like to be someones mum; that my fears about losing myself were founded in truth, and that I'm lucky to be able to do all the things DAILY that she wishes she could do just occasionally - like take myself for coffee, sit up all night and read, lie-in, take long quiet baths, pamper myself and countless other things that I take for granted. Although she was just having an off-day, it reminded me why I'd never wanted to take that route myself.

Then last night I read a piece in a magazine about the way people see food. One of the entries was by a woman who said she was tired of always being the one slaving away whilst her family hung around waiting to be fed; that eating alone would be a luxury but cooking alone was a daily reality. She wanted to have a meal where she made what she alone wanted to eat, without anyone gabbing on about their day or arguing, and to sit quietly savouring this meal she had made for herself. I only appreciated the luxury of this simple thing that was routine to me when somebody else yearned to have this just once in a while.

These writings made me realise that I'd been having a bit of an identity crisis; if you don't go down the traditional route then there's no way of measuring how you're doing - there's no one to compare yourself to to see 'if you're happy'. It's a strange concept but a natural one I think. It's hard not to define yourself by what your peers are doing and what you think you 'should' be doing - because that's just what people do.

I then read an article in The Times Online today about what were the rites of passage for women who didn't get married or choose to have a family; and incredibly they suggested that alternative ways to know whether you'd 'grown up' or not were to get a younger boyfriend, travel to India, write a book, find religion, have a sporting achievement, deprive yourself of something or (my favourite) GO GAY!! 

Of course, I don't have a family so I should turn into a christian or a lezza in order to feel like I've achieved something - unfuckingbelievable. Notably missing from this article were the options of starting a business or just not to need a rite of passage to feel personally successful.

So After reading these stories, I've had a new realisation of how fortunate and happy I am to be as free as I find myself to be. Although I peer occasionally into more traditional windows and wish for some of those aspects in my life; I also know I'd hate to have the constrictions that family life would inevitably bring - which is why I've never fancied it before and hence don't have it now... Duuuh; I do wonder about myself sometimes!

Elizabeth Gilbert quoting Virginia Woolf wrote "Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword." On one side of the sword there lies convention and tradition and order where "all is correct." But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, "all is confusion. Nothing follows a regular course." Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will also be more perilous.

I liked this very much; I'm not really a conventional girl and I'm lucky that I'm not afraid of anything (except spiders and zombies) I remember joking to my Mum once that I bet in my previous life I had lots of ungrateful children, a useless husband and a life of drugery so I said: "next time around please let it just be all about me" - so I'll be taking the other side of the sword then please Ms Woolf!

Now Get On With Your Job Lady!

I've been thinking about Mothers Day today. I've never felt the pull towards having children; my clock just doesn't tick in that way and although I don't mind their company, I have to admit that I often find children noisy, irritating and boring... So it's best all round that I haven't got any then! 

Although I know that motherhood is different for each woman, I can see that it is mainly about sacrifice and selfless giving - it can't be any other way and neither should it. Selfish or not, it just has never appealed to me; when I've been asked to justify my reasons for not wanting children (for yes, some people find it hard to believe that I don't want one!) it truthfully comes down to the fact that I want my life to be about me and to never lose my sense of self. 

I have nothing but admiration for my Mum; she has spent her whole life sacrificing things so that I now have the choice to live the way I do - she has said before that she envies my freedom and that, although she is grateful to have me, if she could go back then she might not have done; she would have had a life for herself first.

When I look at her life, I can see that it was all spent looking after my Dad, my brother and I, she hasn't had a life of her own as she was only 16 when I was born. I know she could have done the things she wanted to as well, but there was never really the time, the money and I believe the support to do so. Her whole life has been about other people and I've never envied her for it - in fact, I've held it up as a life I most certainly wouldn't want for myself.

As far as I can see it is mainly women that hold families together and do the lions share of the work; they cook, clean, do the shopping, make sure that the kids eat well and have everything they need for school, they remember birthdays, sort Christmas, arrange family holidays, and do a million other small things that nobody ever notices - they basically make sure that everyone's lives run smoothly and that everyone is happy. I'm sure there's pleasure in it, but this does not look like fun to me and has never been something I've aspired to.

So hats off to all you Mothers out there who hold the World together... especially mine.

Some Things Are Best Shared

As you know it's pancake day today; well I guess it's officially Shrove Tuesday and the day before lent but, as I'm not religious, for me it's basically a day of eating egg-based produce. 

I generally don't really notice or mind that I'm single a lot of the time; but as vocalised in one of my Christmas posts, there are certain occasions where I almost wish I had a family around me; today I will be making pancakes with my flatmate, but most of the time I don't get to partake in family / kiddy occasions which look kind of fun as my family live quite a distance away and well, because I don't have any children!

I don't have a roast on a Sunday as there's no point making one for just me (though I sometimes go the pub for one as I hate cooking) and I don't usually have pancakes on Shrove Tuesday as they're more fun when cooked with children or other people - some of my clearest memories are my Mum's fiasco's with the pancake either sticking to the ceiling or falling back on to the hob and being set alight. She wasn't much of a cook either!

So even though I've never wanted to have children, I can see it must be really nice to share the experiences that were passed on to you when you were small; of helping create memories that will stay with someone their whole lives; whether that be making pancakes, filling stockings for Christmas, baking at Thanksgiving or painting eggs for Easter. 

So there's nothing else for it; I'm just going to have to find my brother a girlfriend so I can eventually borrow his!

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

So Christmas is less than 3 weeks away now. It's funny how it changes as you get older - when you're small you can't wait for it to come and it seems to take aaaages to come around again (Christmas Eve has in fact been scientifically proved to be the longest night of the year), when you're in your teens you're not really that fussed and just want to get lunch over so you can go round your mate's house, in your twenties you've flown the nest and then 'go home' for Christmas, then after a few days when you can bear your relations no more so you 'go home' again back to your student digs or some other accommodation that you will look upon as sub-standard living a decade later.

Now I'm in my 30's I'm finding Christmas a bit strange. I'm not married with children or even in a long-term relationship (always a series of short ones it seems) plus I don't even want children (I chose shoes and am very happy with my decision) but when Christmas comes around it makes me feel like I should be bustling around the kitchen with flour on my face showing some kids how to make gingerbread men, although ironically I barely know how to use the oven, or I should be sipping sherry whilst watching them make those garland things and hang decorations on the tree.

In reality I'm sure I'm just being influenced by Coke adverts and Hollywood films - in the real World I bet the whole thing is just an expensive nightmare; the kids will argue about who's going to lick the bowl, one of them will get pushed into the tree (which leaves needles in the carpet until July) they'll moan that the presents they get aren't good enough and then they'll get over-tired, grizzle then throw-up cos they've eaten too much chocolate.

Actually, do you know I think I'll just stick with my usual routine which is to sit around in my pajamas for most of the morning, chat with my folks on the phone, then go round lots of different friends houses collecting gifts until I'm fully loaded on champagne and Quality Street, watch lots of Christmas telly, play some party games then go to bed happy and a bit drunk. Yaaaay - roll on Christmas!