Blogging Challenge Day 21: A List Of Links To Your Favorite Posts In Your Archives

My Double Edged Sword - l like this post as it's all about my identity as a single woman without any children and how it's hard to measure your worth or happiness when so much of your identity is defined by others on whether you have any children or not.

 I'd also come out of a bit of a gloomy phase and had been having a bit of a worry about what I'd done with my life - I'd been comparing myself to the 'traditional' view of women I guess so had no measure of where I stood in the world. This post is me redefining myself and confirming how happy I was not to have a 'conventional' life.

I Passed My Driving Test! - Self explanatory really. I passed my test first time at the age of 40 after doing around 90 hours of lessons in exactly 7 weeks. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done and therefore the thing I'm most proud of.

Fight Apathy - or Don't - This post is important as it's the one that caused a furore at work and instigated me going freelance. The post itself seems quite innocuous at first glance but I mentioned in it that I had worked a lot of weekends and this pissed my manager off.

My immediate manager knew that I had this blog (trusting rookie mistake), read this post and went and told her manager about it. I then got called in to his office to find them both sitting there 'wanting to have a word'. They bring up my comment about all the weekends I've done to which I reply to by telling them that, as I actually write the rota myself, it's not as if I've got a huge problem with it and that it's my anonymous personal blog and I can write what I want.

They then decide they don't really have a leg to stand on so my boss says that he doesn't want to see another word on my blog about setting up my own business until I walk in and put my notice letter on his desk. Obviously I'm furious about this so a week later he walks into his office to find my resignation letter on his desk. Prick.

After I left my job I wrote a blog post saying how I felt she'd really stabbed me in the back by telling her boss about my blog and that she could hardly talk as she used to say X,Y, and Z about him. I left the post up for a week or so to make sure they'd both read it - he wouldn't have been able to read it if she hadn't told him where my blog was remember - then I deleted it. I wanted to see how she felt being hauled into his office. Cow. 

I Passed My Driving Test!

Today, exactly 7 weeks to the day that I took my first lesson, I am chuffed to inform you that I passed my driving test. No, that's wrong - I'm exceeding proud to say I passed. Never been prouder of anything I've ever done in fact.

Last night I felt a bit nervous so I reminded myself that I was not afraid of anything except spiders and zombies and, as I was unlikely to encounter either of these on my test, it was silly to be nervous. I went to sleep quite happily (whereas the last 2 nights I had slept badly dreaming that I'd failed my test) and I woke refreshed, unafraid, and with one thought: "today is the day that I get my driving license".

And I did. I only had 5 minor faults (you're allowed 15 faults and no serious faults - this is where your actions may cause someone else to change speed or direction) which is very low and I only started shaking as I sat in the test centre car park waiting for the end result. I felt I'd done well but I didn't want to be a deluded, disappointed idiot.

I am so pleased with myself that I could explode. As you know the whole thing has been quite hard for me and I have really struggled with it. At one point I didn't think I'd ever get it and not just a few frustrated tears have been shed in the process. This is the reason I'm proud of myself; it's the hardest thing I've ever taken on and I finally made it. I passed first time. 

I'm now a driver.

"Please Do Not Enter This Bin"

I've come to a mental arrangement with the driving. I've decided that I just can't go on having meltdowns every few days so I'm just going to do what I can do and slow down with the hours a bit. So my new mantra is "it's just driving".

I've got my test in a couple of weeks and if I pass then I do, and if I fail then I will simply take the test again. If the client waits for me and hires me then that's great, and if he doesn't then he just doesn't. I feel much better and my driving has suddenly improved as well.

The driving wasn't really that bad looking at it, but I've never taken on anything that takes so long to master! I kept getting frustrated seeing complete idiots driving around when I hadn't gotten the hang of it yet. I see people driving appallingly every day and it's galling that I probably drive better than they do yet they have their license.

I was at the 7 Dials Roundabout in Brighton today - this roundabout has 7 roads leading off from it hence the name and even experienced drivers shudder when they speak of navigating it. It's basically a free-for-all situation that can and does turn into a cluster-fuck in the blink of an eye. I'm still apprehensive when I approach it but I'm getting much better.

Talking of complete idiots, all the big dumpster bins in Brighton have a warning sticker on them alerting people to the fact that it's dangerous to sleep in them. On a par with printing that a bag of peanuts "may contain nuts", they've had to state the obvious because some fool did indeed drunkenly climb inside for a kip and was then turned into a human pancake when the binmen emptied the snoozing thicko into the back of the truck the next morning.

So because one solitary dimbo (obviously it was a man, as no woman would sleep in a bin. Even if drunk she would get herself home) at some cost, all the bins in Brighton and Hove now warn people that sleeping in one may not be the best idea. The bloke in question was actually a teacher if you can imagine, but just because one person did an unimaginably stupid thing, they've had to label them all just in case someone else has been eyeing up a bin as a good place to spend the night.

I'm uncertain as to whether they based the image on the victim himself, but here is the Council's impression of what a foolish man looks like. So if you're staggering home from a night out on the lash, do not consider climbing into a bin for a snooze. Your Council may not be as vigilant as ours, but I can inform you with some confidence that it will end in tears.

Driving Me Mad!

So I guess I haven't posted anything for a while - this is because I have been doing nothing but driving. Driving, thinking about driving, dreaming about driving, worrying about driving and worrying about my business.

Not only has learning to drive been harder than I thought (scary right turns across junctions and navigating roundabouts - apparently thickies learn to drive quicker than intelligent people as they don't over-think everything) but being in limbo for a month has been even harder. 

My business is hanging by a thread until I can pass my test and get a job with the client, so it's a bit of a worry that I haven't even put in for my test yet. I'm just ticking over so I can dedicate 20-odd hours a week to driving and now I don't know if I'm coming or going. Nothing is stable and I have wild moments of insecurity and fear which are totally new sensations to me.

Not being able to do something correctly every day for a month has made me doubt other things in my life which is something that I also didn't predict happening. I sometimes even second-guess myself when I walk across the road and I often make silly mistakes driving when I know what I'm supposed to do. It's disconcerting, frustrating, and brings out emotions that I don't like and didn't even know existed. It's been quite horrible in that way actually.

I have 2 driving instructors as well. One who has the better car (smooth, with power behind it) but spends 20 minutes explaining everything in frustratingly pointless analogies when he could just tell me. He also seems to want me to be the best driver on the planet before I even think about taking a test. The other one is more test-geared but has a shonky car. I've done over 50 driving hours in 4 weeks and I want to be done with it but the thought of doing a test scares me as well which is also an alien emotion... grrrrrrrr!

I cannot wait to have something certain in my life again. I need to know if I have a new job or not, if I have a business or not, if I'm leaving the country of not, if I'm leaving my friends and boyfriend or not, and where my next pay cheque is coming from. It may all sound like a pathetic first-world whinge, but my life has been in limbo for a month and it's very tiring.

I shall sincerely endeavour to write something more interesting on here soon!

Clunk, Click - I've Got It!

And suddenly one day later I'm driving at will! Tonight I had my first evening lesson and I just got in the car and drove it. I drove all the way around town, I negotiated traffic lights, pedestrians, junctions - and even the roundabout of doom at Seven Dials (an area of Brighton renowned for its scary roundabout)

Apologies for keeping on about this driving thing,and you know this won't be the last post - but I am so chuffed with myself I could explode. To get it right this evening I basically mentally pulled off and stopped a billion times, in my mind I used clutch control to 'creep and peep' until I felt that I understood what I was doing. And it clearly worked cos now I can suddenly confidently manoeuvre the car.

Woo hoo! 

Driving is Emotionally Painful

I'm finding this driving malarkey really effing hard. On one hand I am doing really well - hill starts, downhill starts, U-turns, emergency stops, changing gear, driving around, roundabouts - I'm certainly getting there. But it's much more difficult than I imagined. Much more.

To be frank it's the bloody clutch. I know that the clutch has its uses and I understand how it works. But I am not yet at the point where I press it in the direction it needs to go to have the effect I want. I know all this takes time, and I have only had 11 hours of driving, but I want to be able to do it now dammit! 

One of the hardest things (apart from that damned clutch) has been to relinquish control and let someone teach me something. I talk over him, I second guess him, and I'm a bloody pain in the arse. I had a cry in the car earlier as I was so tense, frustrated, and wound up with myself. My job is to control people, ask questions, and to manage people, so to go against my nature is painful.

I am really enjoying the driving part of it though, and I know that in the next few days it should start to come together more and I will feel that I have control of the car. At the moment however, it feels like I'm trying to do aerobics with no sense of coordination whatsoever! I see complete numpties behind wheels and I think "If you can drive then so can I" but maybe because I want it so much, I'm finding it quite difficult to coordinate everything. I'm sure my instructor would say I'm doing marvellously, but I just focus on the bits I can't do very well.

It seems you have to look in every direction at once as well as over your shoulder, anticipate other drivers and the road ahead, steer the car, change gears up and down all the time, find the correct gear, use handbrake control on hills, drive the thing, as well as read and act on signs. I gather that this all comes naturally when you've been driving a while, but at the moment it feels near impossible. I'm desperately hoping that I'm not like Dillinger failing to work his catflap out. Although he did get there in the end I suppose.

Since I was young, I've heard people say "you're your own worse enemy" and at 40 years old, I'm dismayed that I have still not worked it out. I know I'm being overly critical of myself but I'm not used to coming across something that I can't do. That may sound big headed, but I like to think I'm quite bright and can work around a situation - well driving isn't like that. You have to do it right or the bloody car doesn't work!

I do appreciate that with time and practice I will get better until I can drive a car as easily as everyone else. But with such an important job resting on it, I want to be able to do that now and I can't and I'm frustrated. I didn't imagine that learning to drive would be so emotionally painful and that I would learn so much about myself and the way I do things in the process. 

And I'm sure you're not surprised to hear that I don't like it one bit.

I'm Driving!

Well it finally happened. The DVLA worked out that I was a real person and gave me my provisional license. I had my first lesson yesterday and can report that I bloody love driving!

It's only been one lesson and I can't at all imagine that I will ever get the hang of the special moves (ie: changing gear and using the clutch whilst looking in every mirror as well as in front of me) but I'm really enjoying it so far.

At one point I hit 15mph and it felt like I was driving like the wind! I felt like I was speeding along and it was pretty scary. I'm not easily scared but you are moving around in a big metal box and that is quite daunting I guess.

I have another lesson tomorrow and you never know; I might even hit 20mph - pedestrians beware!

Fucking DVLA

I'm so frustrated I could cry - in fact I just have.

To get my driving license I need a provisional license. I have a provisional license but my surname and address have changed so I need to send off for another one. Which could take up to 3 weeks to arrive. It's already been a week and still nothing.

However, my driving instructor can teach me as long as he has proof that I already have a clean provisional license. But because I can't remember where I was living 23 years ago, the DVLA won't help me. This means I have to wait another 2 weeks until my license changes into my new name (I changed my name by deed poll 10 years ago) I'm really pissed off.

I can appreciate that they need to know that I am who I say I am, but I'm so utterly frustrated and upset that I don't care at this moment. This client wants me to have my license as soon as I can, and he will not be impressed that he now has to wait even longer for this to happen.

I'm pretty sure that I lived with my parents when I was 17 and this would be the address on the license. However it is not. I have NO idea what address would be on there and I'm only allowed 3 guesses anyway. So I will have to call every single day to find out if they have changed my license over before I can even bloody start.

To be honest it's the final thing in an utterly shitty day. Today my heavy bike fell over and the chain fell off, the lock then failed to close and I had to abandon it at a friends. It's been nothing but hassle with that bike - it's too heavy, it was overly expensive, I've paid to have the tyres replaced and now the bloody chain is off. I'm selling it as soon as I get it back to the house.

Then a client said they no longer needed me and I already have hardly any work as it is. Then I found out that I have to wait up to another 2 weeks to even start driving lessons. It'll probably be weeks until I can even get a test date and if the client waits that long for me then it will be a miracle. 

Feeling utterly depressed, despondent, and down. Why is it that everything is always such a fucking hassle for me? Throw me an effing bone for God's sake.

Possibly Something Again

Just as I had pretty much forgotten all about the mad potential job offer, on Monday I received an email explaining that he had been continuing with Christmas celebrations right up until 'Twelth Night' (alright for some) and had only just gotten around to replying to his emails. Then he said this:

"The whole driving thing is so important, that I would like you to get your license before we make a final decision.  So, what I propose is that I pay for you to take a 1-week intensive course to obtain your drivers license.  No obligation.

Let me know what you think"

Shiiiiiiit. Of course I said that this would be acceptable - who wouldn't want someone to pay nearly a grand for them to learn to drive? But I'm taking it with a pinch of salt this time to avoid any disappointment.

I've okayed it all with him and he has given me the go-ahead for me to pay for it with funds from the bank account I have access to. So now I have to send off for my provisional license again (I've changed surnames as well as losing the original 20 years ago!) and when that arrives I will be having 4 hours of driving lessons a day to get me ready for the test as soon as possible.

Although I want to get my license quickly, I don't want to rush it, scrape through my test and crash straight into the nearest school crossing! I imagine it will be hard but utter numpties have their license so I'll be damned if I can't get mine.

So I will keep you informed of my progress and let you know how I get on. Imagine if I did get the job though - I bet it would make for some interesting blog posts!