Well Hello There - It's Been AGES!

Blimey, I haven't posted for ages. On one hand there's been nothing to tell you and on the other there's been loads. Now it's all build up so I'll  bring you up to speed by doing a round-up kinda post then I can get back on track and you might actually know what the fuck I'm talking about!

Love life - my love life is rubbish. There's no two ways about this one. I've started doing some Internet dating again... I'm sure a few of you may recall how THAT one turned out but if you weren't a reader, it was both funny and a shambles at the same time. These are my dates so far:

Two dates with Terry who was lovely despite the awful name but there was no chemistry. We are going to be friends though because he's interesting and local.

Two dates with Geoff who told me after our second date that he'd been on another second date with someone a few days before and they'd decided to start seeing each other. I was pretty annoyed that he didn't cancel his date with me thus wasting my Sunday and his. I may have had a lucky swerve though as he told me on the date that he felt no passion or drive for anything which made me wonder if that extended to people. Also he couldn't see a face in the grass I was trying to point out in a field (we were up on a hill) which possibly meant he had no imagination. Plus his name is truly dreadful.

One date with Shailen who, despite saying he had a great time and asking to see me the next week, never contacted me again. Pretty fucking rude.

Even though I'm good at being single and love most aspects of it, this doesn't mean that I want to be single forever and spend the next 40 years by myself. It's really hard to meet people though - especially someone who is interested in me in return it seems.

Social Life - excellent. I've joined a few Meet-up groups and can go out every night of the week if I like. I love the gaming group I go to and really like a guy there but he's 9 years younger than me. We get on really well and it's a shame about the age as I'd ask him out otherwise. I also have some amazing friends who have been brilliant recently as I've been feeling a bit down this week. One even came round with cake and took me out for coffee to cheer me up.

Emotional Status - rubbish. This week has been utter pants and I've been feeling quite sorry for myself. There's a few reasons for this:

1. I've hurt my back and can't get comfy
2. My business has been quiet (which never happens) which has made me start to worry a bit about money
3. My ex has a new girlfriend which he met because she lives in his road and just went and knocked on his fucking door. I'm annoyed about this one as, although I don't want him back, I feel that he was responsible for the breakdown of our relationship, my resulting unhappiness, and that he doesn't deserve the ease at which he's found someone new when I'm much more deserving and nobody wants me. It's hard to admit that I'm bitter and angry about it but that is the truth of the matter. I don't want him to be unhappy but I'm annoyed that he met someone so easily when I can't.
4. Feeling rejected emotionally. Even though I don't care what strangers think about me, I guess it's only natural to feel rejected and confused and all sorts of other horribly damaging emotions when someone rejects you (Geoff & Shailen). Even though they were clearly dicks, it's still quite hurtful and has knocked my self-esteem more than I expected.
5. I fell off my new way of eating when my best friend came to visit. Thisnot only made me physically sick (my body actually immediately rejected what I'd just eaten) and ropey, it made me feel weak for going off track so easily once I had company.

Work - mixed. My main line of work has been really quiet (but looks like it might be picking up from today) and I'm in the process of setting up a new online business which I'm pretty excited about. I'd shelved it for a year as I'd been too busy so, whilst it was quiet, I took the opportunity to finish writing the new website and get the logo designed etc. 

Health - I leant over to readjust the sofa cushions last Saturday and twinged my back. It often just sorts itself out in a day or two but hasn't this time - so I feel about 80. I've also started a new way of eating which seems to agree with me. I've been eating a paleo diet for a couple of months and have never felt healthier. It's stopped my sugar cravings and apparently I even look leaner which is a bonus. 

I've never craved pasta and bread (although I like them) but when I fell off the wagon and ate bread and cake recently, I felt like I'd been poisoned and felt shaky and just dreadful really. It's also made me start cooking, which is something I've never been a big fan of. 

Summary - actually overall things are fine but this week has definitely knocked me sideways and I've been surprised at how being rejected by a couple of men has made me feel. I'm not getting any younger and it would be nice to have someone to share things with and I would like to be in love again one day soon. I have my friends but I mean romantically of course. Being rejected makes you question your personality and your appearance - I know you shouldn't feel that way but you can't help it. Your brain just doesn't play ball sometimes!

I've still been reading your blog updates of course and I so hope you haven't all forgotten me just because I dropped off the radar for a bit. x

Feeling Left of Centre

This is my first blog post of 2014. I started to write one last week but the words wouldn't come out right and I deleted it because I wasn't really sure of what I was trying to say. 

Basically, we're over three weeks into the new year and I've been feeling very left of centre. It's been a weird and unsettling few weeks and I'm not entirely sure why. 

I had some pretty shitty family news when I went up to see my folks a couple of weeks ago and that has been playing on my mind a bit. I don't want to go into it, but it's something I can't fix and, I know you should only focus on the things you can do something about, but knowing that doesn't help. My brain has been subconsciously processing the information since my visit and it's unsettled me a bit. But there are other things too.

My businesses had also been stressing me out somewhat. I do lots of different things and, whilst I could physically get everything done, my brain was tired of being pulled in different directions. I desperately need a much simpler life so I shifted the focus on to my secondary business and made it my main line of work then decided to just specialise in events for my other business as a Virtual Assistant.

It's only been a few days but I feel happy and relived to have made the decision as I'd been mulling it over for ages but had been too busy to concentrate and make a considered decision. I added another phone line yesterday so clients can call me on a separate number instead of everyone calling me on just one. So that should relieve me of the late night and weekend business calls as customers will just get my voicemail and I can call them back. That took a bit more pressure off.

I also started using a Mindful Meditation app called Headspace in December to quieten my head and to try and see my thoughts as separate from myself and not chase after every single one - to try and see them but not 'be them' as it were. This has certainly helped but has also made me far more aware of how I'm feeling as I've been noticing my emotions far more than I would have had I not been asked to look each day!

I'm definitely sticking with the mindfulness (which I'd started before I felt weird) because I know that it'll be really good for my emotional well-being in the long term, plus I really enjoy doing it and like the way it makes me feel. I even signed up for a year (10 sessions are free) as it does seem to be working and being in a position to observe my thoughts and not feel them right through me could make a huge difference to me... once (if) I master it!

So although I've taken some steps to relieve my stress, I've still been feeling very irritable, quick to anger and slightly anxious. I've been surprised and dismayed when my anger has arisen from seemingly nowhere but so far I've not been able to do anything about it. The anger thing is quite familiar to me actually as I always get angry before I feel other emotions (or afterwards - anger is usually part of the mix though). I don't like this and am trying to change it but it's at least familiar to me - anxiety is not. I am not an anxious person by nature.

I have this event in Austin in a few weeks and have been trying to clear the decks of all other work so I can focus on it 100%. It's possible that I'm feeling a bit frightened that I'm not on top of the work like I should be. I know that fear makes people angry and that's one of the last things I usually look at or acknowledge, so maybe that's it? To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I've been feeling irritable and angry. Hopefully it will go away after I clear my work and focus solely on the event though.

Through writing down my thoughts in this post, I think the anxiety has been caused by my family news and the irritability by the changes in my business and fear of what might happen due to my decision. Plus it hasn't helped that I have this huge event thrown into the mix. It's strange how we're not always very good at understanding the root of our emotions (why people see therapists I guess) and where they come from. 

For some reason, the last emotion I like to admit is fear. I wonder why that is? Maybe nobody likes to admit they're fearful about something or maybe it's just me? Perhaps I see it as vulnerability. Fear isn't something I'm used to feeling so perhaps I'm even fearful of the emotion itself? Such intense thoughts for the beginning of a weekend! Perhaps things had been swimmingly good for so long that these changes had simply unsettled me? Who knows - I can say that I feel a bit better after writing this though.

Blogging Challenge Day 15: Something Difficult About Your "Lot In Life" And How You're Working To Overcome It

I guess all in all I'm pretty lucky. I'm a white woman in a western country who is free to do pretty much what she wants. All my problems are 'First World' ones and, in the big scheme of things and relative to the rest of the world, I don't have much to moan about. But I am somewhat of a complainer by nature so let me do my best to answer that question for you!

My something difficult:

The problem that's arisen over and over again for me is the issue of affordable housing. At the moment I'm in the incredibly fortunate position of having most of my rent paid by a client who needs a UK address. This is, of course, a unique situation - but if and when he decides he doesn't need a property here then I've got some thinking to do. 

I've written many posts on here about how I'm always moving house and how expensive it is to rent here. All the money I spend on rent means I can't save for a deposit plus I can't get a mortgage anyway because I work for myself.  Even renting through an agency means coughing up 6 months rent in advance and all rental agencies here gyp you for costs wherever they can.

So my something difficult is affording a place to live on my own (I don't want to live in a shared house in my forties) and still being able to pay bills and go out and basically have a life. This one-bed flat plus bills without any help would be around £1000 ($1542) per month. Which is a lot.

How I'm working to overcome it:

Both my businesses are doing ok but I still have the problems I mentioned above. I do however have options. I suppose I could move into a shared house as long as the other person was ok - but things would still be in a state of flux as they might want to move out, we might not get on, and frankly I'd like to live on my own. I want something permanent and I don't want to spend nearly every penny I earn on rent and bills and I don't want to worry that I can't pay each month.

I'm overcoming the problem by trying to save money and researching my options. Saving will only get me so far and won't solve the issues completely but it might give me a bit of a head start and allow me to even raise the advance rent if I went through an agency. I've not saved much but I know I need to and I  have started to get a good enough income (most months) that I'm kinda in the position to put some away a bit at a time. 

I'm also starting to give some thought to moving out of town if I lost my flat. Although I could love anywhere in theory as both my businesses are virtual, I also have  a life here and I love the town I live in. So I don't really want to move but I could. I could even move abroad to France perhaps as I have a friend that does and he manages it. I'm not sure how that would work for me emotionally in practice although I'm fine with it in theory.

Another option that has crossed my mind is buying and living full time in a large RV-type campervan or on a canal boat. Both options are do-able in theory but I need to research both options thoroughly and save my arse off. I think I'd be ok with the practical aspects and I can even drive now thank god, but I'm not sure about the day to day emotional aspects of either - being on the move or being away from people I know, that kind of thing. Both mean I could travel with my cats and carry on freelancing as long as I had a reliable Internet connection.

All quite exciting possibilities actually but all terrifying at the same time! I'm quite brave but I don't want to do something silly either. All is well here for the time being, but a gal has to plan ahead. 

Ten Down ? To Go

Brighton: Still worth it?

I have now been to see 10 properties in 6 days - this flat hunt is proving harder than I thought! Brighton is now not worth the money in my opinion. It's a case of Emperors New Clothes and the price of the properties are outweighing the benefits of living here. Brighton has gotten too big for its boots and believes it's own hype.

I have seen some of the tiniest one-bedroom flats you could imagine and they cost £800 a month. And they are the cheap ones! What a disgrace. None of them would even fit my client's dining room table. And they wonder why people don't sit down to eat any more - because they can't even get a table in their bloody flats is why!

If I had to move again on my own I could not afford to live here any more. Yes it's a city, yes it's quite near to London, and yes it's by the sea, but we're an island for God's sake - there's a lot of bloody towns by the sea here! I have seen some ok places a bit further out but even they are expensive. And I can't imagine the prices going downwards in the future can you?

When I first started this blog I lived with a friend in her 2-bed house. I went to see her yesterday as she's expecting another baby and she told me they'd just accepted an offer and were moving out of town so they could have a proper garden (proper means grass not a tiny concrete space) she said that I was one of her few friends left in Brighton as the others had been priced out or moved to get a better life and a bigger home.

Another friend has moved 25 mins train journey away as she split up with her boyfriend and couldn't get anything in town she could afford. She now pays £700 per month for a lovely 2 bedroom flat where she works from home - but she had to move 15 miles away. The problem is that, as freelancers, agencies want you to pay 6 months rent up front so she had to cash in her savings bonds and now has nothing left. Who has that kind of money? It's ridiculous.

Nobody can get on the housing ladder in the UK without help and, because I'm a freelancer, I have to give 3 years financial records to prove to the banks (that I helped bail out) that I could afford their mortgage. So people here are being charged a fortune in rent which means they can't save the money to put down a deposit for a more permanent home. The flats here are all converted houses so you often have noisy neighbours. I personally have moved around 16 times in 20 years.

What a nightmare. I should be able to find somewhere for £800 out of town a bit to live in but I can only afford it as my client will be paying half. I'm going to use the opportunity to save like a sod so I can make sure I'm not ever left in this situation again. He might not be a client for ever so I need to make sure I'm ok. Ideally he'd buy a flat in the area and let me rent it haha! 

I'm not even sure if I can take Dillinger with me as most of the properties don't have access for him to get out and all the landlords say no pets anyway. They won't know that I'll be living in the flat let alone a cat as well. The whole thing is proving a bit stressful now and it's only been a week.

I'm a Cyclical Scanner!

Just to say that I'm not poorly any more. I haven't written for a bit so I thought I should reassure you that I'm not lying groaning with my tongue sticking out the side of my mouth slowly contracting MRSA in A&E!

Of course I've heard nothing from the potential client about my monthly retainer suggestion. But then I wasn't expecting to. What a weird situation that is. I really want him to go for it though and then I don't have to worry so much about keeping the money coming in which is always a constant thing for freelancers. I can also carry on doing all the other things I love doing.

In fact I've been having some revelations about my work since recently discovering that I had a Portfolio Career which, instead of being a bad thing is actually something people aspire to! Oh yes, I'm an inspiration me. 

So where I was worried that my career was somewhat 'bitty' and it turns out that I am a 'Cyclical 'Scanner' personality type with a Portfolio Career and there are millions of people just like me and more who want to be just like me! My personality type has many interests and feels hemmed in and stifled with just one line of work. It was a revelation to discover this was a good thing and there was a whole world of us. 

I had a chat with a friend who is a career advisor and he asked me to score how happy I was with my work out of 10. I replied around an 8 and he said that was actually very high. I'd like more money coming in, but overall I know that I'm very happy with my lifestyle as a freelancer. I went in to work at an office in town yesterday and working straight all day focused on one thing was a killer - I can't believe I used to work like this and that people have to do this all day. It made me so grateful for what I have. 

I've always thought that life was too short to have a job you hate doing, but people somehow believe they can't actually do what they want that they never try so stay safe all their lives. Other people tell them they can't do anything different because they're jealous and worry that if the other person breaks out of the mould then it will highlight their failure to have done something with their own life. Parents say you need to have a stable income and job, but modern living says this is an outdated view of work. 

Of course you have money and the mortgage to worry about, but it turns out you can survive on a lot less that you realised, and the freedom and happiness that comes with doing what you love, really makes up for it. I'm not saying going freelance is for everyone, but it's a shame that a lot of people would and could be brilliant at it but are too scared to make the jump. I'd like to help them do that.

Vegas - Like Purgatory?

View from my hotel room

Well Vegas is pretty mental. Before you come you think of it as being this bold, colourful, exciting place where everyone is having fun, fun, fun but in reality it's a 24 hour money-making machine that's essentially all fur coat and no knickers!

It's almost like the situation where everyone tries desperately to have fun at New Year but you know it's all a bit of an effort. In fact, hardly anyone looks like they're enjoying themselves playing poker or slot machines - they sit and stare with dead, empty eyes for hour after hour and they all look really sad. 

There's music everywhere - even in the street. There's always really loud cheesy pop songs blasting out of every building or plaza or some chick telling you to come visit this show or eat in that restaurant. It is full on here. There's also lots of people riding around in mobility scooters who look like they have nothing wrong with them.

It's a mixed bag to be honest. Half of me looks at things and is enthralled and the other half is quite appalled. In The Venetian there are Gondoliers rowing about on water under fake painted dusky skies... on the second floor. How weird is that. The fake Trevi Fountain is fun unless you've been to the real Trevi Fountain. I sound a bit jaded about the place and I have had some fun wandering around taking billions of photos, but it's like being in a dream. This place is not any kind of recognisable reality.

Everyone is out for a buck here; if you have no money, or once you have tipped someone for doing their job, you are history. They have absolutely no interest in you apart from what you can give them. On the plus side though, it's very clean and my hotel room at The Mirage is lovely. The maids even tidy up your toiletries in the bathroom which I found quite unnerving at first - I'm pretty tidy & I line things up so they barely had to touch a thing really.

I do miss BBF a lot. I thought I'd be too busy to miss him but that has not been the case. Turns out it's weird being in a holiday destination without anyone you know! I like my own company but I miss normality, decent coffee and having something to do.

Yesterday I discovered Victoria's Secret though. We don't have one in the UK but their bra's are amazing. When I tried on the bra I ended up buying, I let out an involuntary sigh it was so comfortable. It is like a dream to wear. And strangely a size smaller than the one I was measured for and bought in M&S last week. The 2 I bought are not racy (nude and black) but they are without a doubt the comfiest ones I've ever owned... ever.

I fly back tomorrow which will be strange. I leave Vegas at half 4 on a Wednesday afternoon and arrive back in the UK at 11am Thursday! The flight is 9 hours and I have a driving lesson in the afternoon. I definitely need a nap before I attempt to navigate the streets of Brighton in a Toyota Yaris! 

Another great thing that happened (apart from Victoria's Secret) was that I met up with the formidable Wolynski. I have been following and commenting on her brilliant blogs for around 3 years and a couple of days ago she came to the hotel and we had coffee out by the pool. She is a right character and was a joy to be around even if it was only for a couple of hours. How she manages to live here is incredible to me, but I've only seen the touristy strip part of Vegas and not the 'real' bit though.

Anyway, that is Vegas so far. I arrived on Saturday and go home tomorrow; I have yet to talk shop with my potential future employer and I'm sitting around waiting to be summoned. I have no idea why I'm here, what my purpose is, or what is expected of me. I'm in the dark and a bit lost to be honest. We shall see what happens but at the moment it's all a bit unsettling.

Driving Me Mad!

So I guess I haven't posted anything for a while - this is because I have been doing nothing but driving. Driving, thinking about driving, dreaming about driving, worrying about driving and worrying about my business.

Not only has learning to drive been harder than I thought (scary right turns across junctions and navigating roundabouts - apparently thickies learn to drive quicker than intelligent people as they don't over-think everything) but being in limbo for a month has been even harder. 

My business is hanging by a thread until I can pass my test and get a job with the client, so it's a bit of a worry that I haven't even put in for my test yet. I'm just ticking over so I can dedicate 20-odd hours a week to driving and now I don't know if I'm coming or going. Nothing is stable and I have wild moments of insecurity and fear which are totally new sensations to me.

Not being able to do something correctly every day for a month has made me doubt other things in my life which is something that I also didn't predict happening. I sometimes even second-guess myself when I walk across the road and I often make silly mistakes driving when I know what I'm supposed to do. It's disconcerting, frustrating, and brings out emotions that I don't like and didn't even know existed. It's been quite horrible in that way actually.

I have 2 driving instructors as well. One who has the better car (smooth, with power behind it) but spends 20 minutes explaining everything in frustratingly pointless analogies when he could just tell me. He also seems to want me to be the best driver on the planet before I even think about taking a test. The other one is more test-geared but has a shonky car. I've done over 50 driving hours in 4 weeks and I want to be done with it but the thought of doing a test scares me as well which is also an alien emotion... grrrrrrrr!

I cannot wait to have something certain in my life again. I need to know if I have a new job or not, if I have a business or not, if I'm leaving the country of not, if I'm leaving my friends and boyfriend or not, and where my next pay cheque is coming from. It may all sound like a pathetic first-world whinge, but my life has been in limbo for a month and it's very tiring.

I shall sincerely endeavour to write something more interesting on here soon!

Feeling Better

Feeling much better today as is always the way with these things. Still utterly skint but I had a good chat with my best friend last night and felt more positive. It's still all pretty shit though but I'm ready to plod on today. 

I've started up an accountability group with 3 other women I know and we meet for the first time today. The idea is that we get together and chat about what's not going so well for our business and then we come up with ideas to help each other out and we then have to go off and do them. If you haven't done these things the next time we all meet, then everyone will want to know why. It's good to get a different spin on your business and we're all in completely different fields.

To prepare for this I've just written a list of positive and negative things about my business and the positives far outweigh the negatives so I'm actually in a good position to get more work - I just need to work at it more. Everything seems to be in place (I've worked effing hard to make it that way) and I'm pretty sure I'm doing all the right things. Another person in the same line as work as me said she was also finding things hard lately so at least I'm not alone.

Yesterday everything I did went wrong and I felt rejected and useless; even though I knew I wasn't. I'm not often plagued with self-doubt but when it comes it's absolutely horrid.

A Helluva Lot of Nothing

I've been having a nightmare lately where the end of the day arrives and I have done sod all work - nothing. Nada. Zero. And this is now becoming a bit of a worry.

For the whole of last week, I literally did nothing - I'm sure I did something productive but I cannot with all honesty tell you what it was. I did make some peppermint creams, some chocolate truffles, tidied up a bit, and tried out the new bread-maker we got for Christmas (I know, but we wanted to make bread) but none of those things took a long time in themselves. I haven't even managed to write a blog post until today for Christ's sake!

Even today I intended to work for a client (I have got some work to do I just haven't done it) and instead did a small bit of work for another one, faffed around on the Internet a lot then went to Tesco. This seems to be happening every day, and at some point I will manage to run my business entirely into the ground. 

I've got to sort this out; every day I wake up with great intentions, then the day wears on and I've still done nothing that earns me any money - and I'm not sure why. I sleep in later now I've moved in with BBF as our room is pitch black in the morning (I set an alarm but I'm not doing that well) so that doesn't help, but mostly it's because I don't actually get on with anything once I'm up.

Then once I am out of bed, I seem to find everything else in existence that doesn't involve actually working for a living. I've got to sort this out soon because I have more outgoings now I've moved, and plus I'm starting to really piss myself off!

It's a Headache Jim, But Not as We Know it

I just discovered I am a sufferer of 'Silent Migraines' - oh, yes; because I have to be different (you are a unique and special snowflake) I have to be the freaky person who gets a headache without the... urm, headache!

A coupla months ago I started to see a jaggedy white shape in my peripheral vision; it starts really small like a cog and then gets bigger and opens up - I thought it might be because of light coming in through my window at work and hitting the side of my eye but when I had it a couple of times at home I went to see the doctor - who actually didn't have a clue what it could be.

Luckily before I panicked and thought I was going blind, my flatmate described it perfectly to me as what she gets when she has a blinding migraine - unfortunately for her, she also gets a banging headache and feels sick. Lucky old me I only gets them for about 20 minutes; but in that time I can't focus properly and get a kind of blind spot like when you accidentally look at the sun. It's not painful but just a bit unnerving.

From looking on the Internet it seems that there's not really a lot I can do about it; I could take headache tablets, but as it only lasts for about 20 minutes there's not really much point - I'd quite like it to go away again though!