Ugly Shoe of The Week - And Some Shoe Porn

Comfort can fuck right off when they come in this guise

Look at these horrid looking things. I actually came across them whilst looking for nice shoes on Pinterest (I popped on for a minute to look at something else and before I knew it an hour had passed - you know how that works). In fact when I saw these I recoiled back into my chair they were so repellent. 

You could proudly conquer the world in these

These are the types of shoes that would probably be very 'comfortable' but are like wolves in sheep's clothing. A woman has a duty, nay an obligation to wear attractive footwear - the world is a harsh enough place without us adding to everyone's misery. Weirdly I actually get shivers right through me when I see a particularly ugly shoe - and right to my core as well. Even seeing a surgical procedure on TV doesn't match the physical response I have to looking at ugly footwear. 

Just to show you what a nice shoe looks like, I've also posted a photo of a pair I actually like for a change. I've posted a ton of hideous ones (taking one for the team each time I clap eyes on them) so I'm posting a gorgeous pair to demonstrate the kind of shoes a decent and kind-hearted person can give to the world.

I bet the first pair have a brand name like 'Schlump', 'Biddy', or 'Dowager'(although I'd have called them Shitheels if they actually came with any) and the second pair are called 'Coquette', 'Gods-gift', or 'Man magnet'. I imagine that wearing the second pair - even to stand around in - would make you feel like the sexiest most invincible siren ever to have walked the earth. In fact they make my heart beat a little bit faster just looking at them.

Ugly Shoe of The Week

As the fashion-wannabe middle-aged woman wheeled herself down Croydon high street her experimental footwear  unexpectedly and most suddenly decided to part ways. The excruciating legs-akimbo shoe wheelie was so spectacular it was discussed in dark corners with wide eyes and hushed tones for many years to come.

Ugly Shoe of The Week

These really are some damned ugly shoes. 'Worn' by Beyonce and Designed by Gareth Pugh, these 'Starship Enterprise shoes' can be yours for as little as $2000.

Frankly not only are they an insult to the franchise but they beg the question of how they stay on. Her little toes must be scrunched up clinging to the sole for dear life as she awkwardly shuffles down the road to Waitrose. 

Ugly Shoe of The Week

You've all waited long enough for a damned ugly shoe so I hope these don't disappoint. 

Although not the first question that springs to mind - what the fuck would you wear these with? 

Ugly Shoe of The Week

Look at the nastiness of these shoes; I bet they're like walking on planks. Imagine the tan lines... imagine if someone you know saw you wearing them.

Ugly Shoe of The Week

There's war, genocide, rape, murder... and then there's these.

Ugly Shoe of The Week

Take a look at these - I took these photos this very day in 2 separate locations. What worries me (apart from the fact they seem to have gone airborne) is that these were family-friendly shops where children are allowed - I shudder to think how they'd ever get over the trauma.

I'm concerned at how I will myself.

Ugly Shoe Of The Week

I have to admit that I find researching the Ugly Shoe of The Week really traumatising. There's lots of exclamations, profanities, and my skin literally crawls and shivers for the entire duration - it's very stressful.

But these shoes really do need to be outed and it's for the good of the people... even though my nerves are completely shot.

Meet the identity-confused flagship of the shoe World: The Marc Jacobs heeled loafer. I understand these are no longer in circulation; possibly because the fashion police broke his door down and dragged him kicking and screaming into the street and kicked his head in.

All Good on The Brighton Front

I think this is going to be a brilliant weekend. Today Star Trek Girl is back from Amman for a couple of days and I'm going up to London to see her; she is one of my dearest friends and I've really missed her while she's been away - we talk on Skype most days but it's not the same.

Later we'll come back to Brighton for afternoon tea and then tonight I'm going to see Chris Addison at a comedy night (I'm not too sure who he is but he's supposed to be good) tomorrow I'm having coffee with a friend to be briefed on the lifestyle and routine of his cat Mischief who I am supervising for a couple of days next week, then I'm out for Sunday lunch and then going to see Tim Burton's Wonderland in the evening.

I've been running around like a loon this past week. Business is good and I'm procuring the moon on a stick on a regular basis. Last night I went over to an old friends house as her boyfriend was away and her son was in bed - we watched Persuasion, drank some incredible wine and had a really good catch-up. We both have very different lives but are equally as happy with the choices we've made - she had a baby whilst I chose shoes.

Talking of shoes, last week I bought a particularly cute pair of turquoise wedges (big fan of wedges; they make you taller but you can still run for a bus if you're inclined that way) I hadn't really bought new shoes for a while so yesterday I decided to go out and buy another pair. I ended up coming home with season 1 and 2 of Mad Men and a necklace.

The shoes out there were hideous; sometimes fashion goes through trends that are less than savoury and now seems to be one of those times - Gladiator sandals are surely one of the most repugnant unflattering things ever to stalk the Earth. I saw some items that were so nasty they made my eyes water. One offender was this heeled trainer, I actually recoiled when I saw them in case they touched me.

Talking of being a snob, yesterday I met a friend in his favourite cafe and they served his coffee in a dirty cup with a chipped saucer. He didn't even notice, but when she asked what she could get me and I asked for a white coffee in a clean cup, my friend gave the impression that I was being a bit demanding.

I used to run restaurants and if their cups are dirty then their kitchen is probably filthy, but when did having some standards suddenly make you high-maintenance? For some reason this sub-standard dive was his favourite cafe, but I'll not be frequenting the Inside Out on Gloucester Road again.

I will however, let you know what Wonderland was like - I so hope it's good!

Ugly Shoe of The Week

I can barely bring myself to post a picture of these... items, near to Dexter as I don't want to sully his memory and impeccable reputation by association.

My body has gone cold and tingly and I am quite close to hyperventilating. I cannot believe that these... items (please lets not call them shoes or boots because it's an abomination) are even in existence.

It's going to be hard sleeping tonight knowing that I share the planet with these, and I can't even bring myself to contemplate that another human being may actually be wearing them. These are the kind of things that women used to faint over.

Ugly Shoe Of The Week

I understand this will be difficult ladies, but please try to form an orderly queue for the festive Christmas boot; perfect for those cold winter mornings... or when you audition for a role of a gay elf in the community play.

Ugly Shoe Of The Week

My ugly shoe post has taken a back seat lately what with all the house moving, cat issues, business taking off, festival work and general busyness. But I just couldn't let this one pass...

Well where to begin?

Well, it's clearly not a winter boot that's for sure, in Summer you'd run the risk of pavement and discarded fag burn, the ugly boot isn't actually finished, (lazy and shoddy workmanship) it doesn't pass the Tesco test NOR the Brighton test for that matter - and pretty much anything goes here.

Practical issues aside, it's frankly just a horrendously ugly shoe. Does that steel-capped spike dig into the underside of your foot or is it just 'ingeniously crafted' to look that way? It's also the second such half-finished boot that I've posted! This better not be a trend or I may have to cause a scene.

Dya know, I don't really care - there's no excuse on this Earth that would explain this away. To create anything less than something beautiful in this World (especially footwear) is nothing short of criminal. And the person that designed these should be made to walk from Lands End to John O Groats in them. It's either that or community service.

Ugly Shoe Of The Week

Excuse me lady, but you appear to have forgotten half of your unspeakably ugly shoe.

Ugly Shoe Of The Week

Is not the sacrament of marriage taken lightly enough these days? At what point did we decide that shoes are optional at a wedding?


So maybe you thought you would get married at the beach? Maybe you thought a summer wedding would be nice? Maybe you thought your pedicure looked great? Maybe you need to take this process a little more seriously?


What did the groom wear during this ceremony? Did he go barefoot? Did he wear black flip flops? Did he wear shoes?I'll tell you what he did. He ran for the fucking hills leaving this flake to stand there in her damned wedding flip flops.

Ugly Shoe Of The Week

This post gets harder by the week; it's not that there's a lack of truly jaw-dropping nasty footwear out there, it's that my constitution may just not be strong enough for it.

I can actually feel my skin crawl with this pair; I'm trying not to make eye contact but the fact that someone designed these, they were clearly okay'd by many people in the chain of command and then someone went and put them into production is truly disturbing to me.

That individuals actually covet, purchase and then wear them out where people can see them is frankly just irresponsible.

Ugly Shoe Of The Week

No, these are not in fact children's orthopaedic boots, they are in fact... Givenchy! (who really should know better)

I'm not even sure that I need to run through why these are simply vile; I think you good people know the many, many reasons why - and if you don't, then you are beyond help and should pray for mercy in the afterlife.

Ugly Shoe Of The Week

Unless you're 5, 85, blind, the founder of the company, or a self-loather then you have no excuse for wearing these. Yes I understand they're comfortable but comfort and shoes have no business together so your argument holds no weight with me.

The only way you can reclaim your humanity is to burn them. Don't put them in the recycling as an innocent man would have to touch them, don't send them to the third World - they've got enough problems without you adding to them, and don't bin them in case another madman takes them out and uses them for evil. No, seeing these go up in a multi-coloured puff of toxic smoke is the only way forward - just burn them and put it down to experience.

Any footwear that boasts 'circulation nubs' deserves our contempt, and frankly, if Joan Crawford would never have worn them, then neither should you.

Ugly Shoe Of The Week

I find these so unbelievably nasty that I can barely breathe - if you see anyone wearing these then it is your God-given right to beat them senseless.

Ugly Shoe Of The Week

Now prepare yourselves; not only is this the company's best-selling shoe - it'll cost you $395 to own a pair!

Feast your eyes my friends, on granny's favourite: 'The Kelsey'.I don't think I even need to say any more, I think the shoe (if indeed it is a shoe) has had enough attention for now. 


Here we have hard physical evidence that there is no God.

Ugly Shoe of the Week

I know a lot of people wear these, in fact you may yourself own such footwear. But can I tell you you're wrong - they're an abomination and one of the most hideous things to ever have been invented.

Yes I hear they're 'very comfortable' but I don't give a rat's arse - they are nasty.

This trend has to stop right now. There simply is no excuse for ugly shoes - life is hard enough already without us making it worse for each other.