It's Not Just About a Beanbag

I've just returned from my ex boyfriend's house after what was a lovely evening ended in a row and me storming off. I think the argument started being about one thing and ended up being about another.

A while back we took a rocking chair and a lovely soft cream beanbag that I owned over to his Mum's for safekeeping as the flat was getting a bit cramped. Now that I have moved out and asked for the beanbag back it seems to have disappeared. It's not so much that it's gone, it's the lack of concern that has angered me.

His Mum has had a vague look and can't find it, she says she doesn't know where it is and hasn't given it to anyone. And that appears to be it. It seems to be a case of "oh we've lost your stuff but never mind". Nobody has apologised or has even given me the opportunity to graciously say "oh, that's ok,  don't worry, these things happen". 

My ex said it was just a beanbag and that "sometimes things just get lost". But things don't just get lost - it must be bloody somewhere. I don't have many possessions and I'm the only person who's even tried to locate the damned thing (I emailed his family to find out if anyone had seen it). Surely his Mum should have done that? I pointed out to my ex that if "someone must have it" then perhaps 'someone' should email all his Mums's friends to find out who. It's the lack of concern or ownership of the problem that I'm annoyed about.

I know it's just a stupid replaceable beanbag but it was mine and I don't lose my things because I take care of them. I rarely lend things and I don't surround myself with tonnes of possessions either. It wasn't expensive but I liked it and wanted to keep it. Whether someone else thinks I should care about it isn't up for debate.

As I walked home I realised I was annoyed about other things I'd lost. I'd also lost my favourite ring while I lived there - I'd had this ring since I was 18 years old and I bought it with my own money. It was the first piece of jewellery I bought and it was quite expensive for an 18 year old. It span round and was so unusual that strangers used to remark on it. I'd had this ring for over 23 years and I loved it dearly. The last time we both saw it, it was on the shelf in the kitchen. My suspicion was that his 16 year old daughter had taken it (all teenagers nick things, I didn't care if she'd taken it I just wanted it back) but when asked she said she hadn't. 

I kind of hoped she had as at least I would have gotten it back. But now it's gone and I'm gutted. I feel bare without it and it sounds silly but I had it so long that I felt it reflected who I was. I had debated long and hard about buying it and it was so expensive (for me) that I kept putting it back but always came back to try it on week after week. One day I asked the seller why nobody else had bought it; she said that lots of people tried it on but that it only seemed to fit me.

I realised that lately I have not only lost my ring, I have also lost my home, my relationship and my cat. And on the walk home I realised that I felt furious about it. I feel from the bottom of my heart that I truly put everything in to that relationship and he was the one who let it slide into ruin. I finally found someone I wanted to make it work with and I put in the effort and he didn't. He was the one who went out drinking the night I moved in, he was the one who had problems and wouldn't see anyone about them, he was the one who pushed me away so he could see the TV, he was the one who stopped trying. And I ended up losing everything I wanted because you can't make a relationship work on your own.

I'd never understood or wanted to try hard to make things work in a relationship before, and I finally did and he didn't bother. I saw it sliding at so many points and tried to talk to him about it but to no avail. I tried to point out that all these little things would add up to it going to shit and he did nothing to stop it happening. I spoke to him about my concerns and he didn't care. He even has form for this - this is how all his relationships end and he's such a dick that he doesn't ever learn and change.

So I think the stupid beanbag represents just one more thing that I've lost without anyone caring that it has gone or taking any care to prevent it. And that's why I'm pissed off.

Lost - One Work Ethic

I really hate to moan about BBF and, to be fair, there isn't that much to complain about. Overall he's amazing - he's a brilliant cook, he's thoughtful, funny, interesting, clever... but he really is the laziest person I've ever met.

His lack of drive, motivation, and ambition really is something to behold. He got in after 3am last night as he went out to see some bands with his mate. This means he now won't be out of bed until around 11ish. Again.

This is not unusual behaviour you see. After a year of being together  I'm coming to terms with his lack of work ethic but, in truth, I find it extremely unattractive and not particularly admirable. I don't know why I can't just let it go but I've found it quite hard to get my head around what a lazy arse he is. It's a quality of his that I really don't like.

Nearly every night he says he wants to go to bed early so he can get up early and get on with some work, but in reality, this has happened around twice since I moved in a year ago. He's eternally optimistic that this will happen but he's simply too lazy to make it so. 

Once, I even thought there might have been a carbon monoxide leak - except for the fact that I was up and out of bed after 8 hours sleep! I just let him get on with it now. Nagging him is pointless but I've started to feel like my Mum saying at midday on a Saturday "get up, you're wasting the day". Maybe I should set the fire alarm off...?

A Helluva Lot of Nothing

I've been having a nightmare lately where the end of the day arrives and I have done sod all work - nothing. Nada. Zero. And this is now becoming a bit of a worry.

For the whole of last week, I literally did nothing - I'm sure I did something productive but I cannot with all honesty tell you what it was. I did make some peppermint creams, some chocolate truffles, tidied up a bit, and tried out the new bread-maker we got for Christmas (I know, but we wanted to make bread) but none of those things took a long time in themselves. I haven't even managed to write a blog post until today for Christ's sake!

Even today I intended to work for a client (I have got some work to do I just haven't done it) and instead did a small bit of work for another one, faffed around on the Internet a lot then went to Tesco. This seems to be happening every day, and at some point I will manage to run my business entirely into the ground. 

I've got to sort this out; every day I wake up with great intentions, then the day wears on and I've still done nothing that earns me any money - and I'm not sure why. I sleep in later now I've moved in with BBF as our room is pitch black in the morning (I set an alarm but I'm not doing that well) so that doesn't help, but mostly it's because I don't actually get on with anything once I'm up.

Then once I am out of bed, I seem to find everything else in existence that doesn't involve actually working for a living. I've got to sort this out soon because I have more outgoings now I've moved, and plus I'm starting to really piss myself off!

I've Got a Feeling I Don't Want to Know

9am and I'm debating whether to get up; It's still pretty early in my book - it's a shame you need to eat to survive really as I guess I should get dressed to go to Sainsbury's (just being a snob now; most people don't bother) otherwise I suppose I could just drag myself to the corner shop and buy a packet of chocolate Hobnobs.

The whole Bank Holiday thing is again passing me by as I had to work yesterday; the 2nd Bank Holiday and 5th weekend in a row - I'm hovering on the edge of self-employment and can't wait to get out of my job. Shame really as it was once my dream job and now it's just a lot of hard work for no reward whatsoever. I could care less if we reached our target; we don't get anything for it except a bigger target.

No, I think I'll wander down to Scummerfield or some other multi-conglomerate soul destroyer in a bit to recreate a scene from Dawn of the Dead then come back and do some work for my client whilst watching Star Trek and old Hollywood films all day. Then again, I could just make myself another Lavazza and stay in bed...

Time Off For Good Behaviour

I'm all happy this month as I'm doing very little work - because of lieu days and annual leave, I'm working 3-day weeks for the whole of February... hoorah!

I intend to spend a lot of that time focusing on promoting and marketing my freelance PA venture as I've seriously slacked off lately and am quite disappointed in myself. I really want to work for myself this year and nothing happens just by itself, so I have to make it happen.

I've discovered that trying to put together material for a website is MUCH harder than I thought it'd be and getting the time to do both marketing and freelance work around my full-time job, whilst also trying to have a social life and blog my thoughts here is proving to be trickier than I expected as well.

Of course, during my time off I also intend to catch-up with friends, chill out, and see some more movies with my unlimited cinema pass; so far I've seen Bolt in 3D, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Reader, Seven Pounds, My Bloody Valentine, Underworld, and Slumdog Millionaire - just lovin' that pass! So I'm really going to try to savour and make the most of this time off as I'm sure it'll be over in the blink of an eye!