Back on Form (And 10 Reasons I'm Lucky)

Thank you so much for your kind comments. Even thought the whole thing was a bit of a shambles, I've bounced back and feel happily back to my usual self. I also have some amazing things to feel grateful for:

1) On the 6th November (my birthday) Star Trek Girl and I are driving to Amsterdam to spend three days drinking good coffee and wine, eating nice food, wandering the canal-sides, looking at art and admiring clogs. 

I usually go to Italy but my friend has never been to Amsterdam, is half French so used to driving on the other side of the road, speaks six languages, and I haven't been since I went for a boyfriend's birthday around 15 years ago. We've booked a lovely little apartment through Air BnB that comes with two bicycles and is right near the museum district. It's going to be great!

2) My American client has just renewed the contract on my flat so I have at least another year being able to live by myself in my gorgeous, bright, happy little home.

3) I've just had a bumper month work-wise. I'm making around £300 per month in passive income through download sales which I aim to take up to £1000 within a year. I have lots of interesting, satisfying work and I'm still able to work completely virtually.

4) The last time I took my little cat Treacle to the vets for a check up, they said her heart murmur was a lot less severe than they had initially thought and that it might've just sounded louder because she was stressed. So she's pretty much fine.

5) Two books of beautiful poetry arrived through my door today. Winter is coming and it always makes me want to read poetry and ghost stories for some reason. A Scottish friend often posts poems up on Facebook and, after a particularly gorgeous poem the other day (Infinity by Giacomo Leopardi) I asked him to recommended some books and I ended up buying The Bees and Love Poems by the Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy. 

6) I'm dating someone new. I decided to go back on the dating site for a month and have been on four dates with a guy called Peter. I wasn't sure if he was 'romantically interested' so I asked him on our fourth date last night if he was (we're all busy here pal) and he said he was interested but that he was a bit shy when it came to these things. He also finished a five year relationship at the end of last year and I think he's a bit out of practice!

I don't feel any urgency, but dating has certainly cheered me up and restored my knocked confidence - which was the point.

7) I've been planning another trip away. I've mentioned this before, but I'd really love to go on a  three-day winter break on the island of Sark. It's a Dark Skies island and I want to take a good book, go on some brisk clifftop walks, then cosy up with a brandy and read in front of an open fire. How lovely does that sound?

8) A friend is coming up from Cornwall today, another friend from London is joining us and we're going out for sangria and dinner at a Spanish tapas bar before heading to a Mogwai gig in town. My Cornish friend is doing some work for them so we're all on the guest list. 

9) I went to my first Star Trek Convention the other week. It was brilliant to be around other nerds, to see people just wandering around in Starfleet uniforms and to not feel awkward discussing the common ancestry of Vulcans and Romulins! I loved it.

10) After I got dumped by email and had a horrendous eye infection that left me taking a five-day, four-a-day course of hardcore antibiotics, a friend sent me a lovely card from Devon saying how wonderful I was, my best friend came through as she always does and was an incredible source of support, another friend came over with paleo cherry and chocolate scones, my cousin called me to see if I was ok and another two friends came over to cheer me up.

So actually I have a pretty good life, things are pretty peachy and I did not let that bloody loser get me down! 

One Week Until Digital Detox (Kindle Excluded)

This time next week I'll be cooling my boots in France and I can't bloody wait. I've got a friend that lives about one and a half hours drive north of Nice and I'm flying out to see him Saturday evening and staying there until Tuesday night. I cannot tell you how much I need this break.

I've been once before as he part-rents the place with my friend La Tarzane who's currently living and working in Oman. She paid for me to fly out and stay with her there about 6 years ago after I landed my dream job a few weeks before. It's pretty much in the middle of nowhere with hills and trees all around the place. I think you can see some mountains as well if I recall.

All I want to do is to read my Kindle, drink coffee and wine and eat some nice food. I'm not taking my laptop, I'm turning my phone off and I just want to wrap up and sit outside with my hot water bottle and read. I'm happy to hang out with my friend of course, but otherwise I just want to be left alone. I really need a digital detox and to just relax. I need a break like you won't believe.

My friend has asked me to bring some pork and apple sausages, some tea, and some cheese. Yes, the man who lives in the land of cheese wants me to bring over some flippin Cheddar! I'm assuming I can get these things through customs; although they might be a bit offended that I'm bringing British cheese into France. 

Last time I went there I got stopped at customs. They'd spotted my hot water bottle and were baffled as to what it could be. La Tarzane came back through and started explaining what it was (she is half French) and they still didn't get it. Then she said something else to them, they all laughed, then they waved me through. She never told me what she said but I'm guessing it wasn't complimentary. Well it get's cold in England alright?! 

I'll try and take some photos so you can see what it's like there, but I simply cannot wait to relax and do nothing except eat and read all day. I'm even taking another day off after I get back - I'm going to put my out of office on and be unobtainable for a change. and I CAN'T WAIT!

Leaving The House Once in a While

When it looked like I was going to be getting a dog one of my friends (ironically called Kat) asked if I wanted to go to a dog walking get-together that she'd seen on a website called Meetup. Obviously the dog thing didn't work out but I did discover there were a ton of other groups on the site that I was interested in.

Now I really love my own company but I like that I have the choice whether to stay in or not. I do like an evening in but know that if I don't keep an eye on it then I could end up as a recluse! Plus I think one of the reasons that it didn't work out with my ex is that we didn't have the same outlook on life (he's a depressive who only socialises to drink) and we didn't always like to do the same things in our spare time. 

I would often spend most of the weekend by myself or with a friend wandering flea markets and people-watching in cafe's when I should have been doing these things with him. Maybe if I'm to ever get another boyfriend (I'm not actively looking by the way) then it might help if we have similar interests!

On meetup you put in your interests and where you live and it finds groups within a specified radius from where you are and you can even create your own group if you fancy it. I've joined 3 groups so far: The Movie Club where they go and see a film then talk about it over a drink afterwards, The Independent Coffee Shop Group where you just meet up for a coffee strangely enough, and The Non-Fiction Book Club.  

I went to the Book Club one last month which was great. There were 14 of us in the back room of a pub (I sat too near the open fire and nearly died of heat stroke over my mulled cider - lesson learned) and we discussed Proust Was a Neuroscientist. There were actual scientists in the group so the conversation was really interesting. I didn't stay until the end as I decided to go and see The Impossible (Tsunami film) at the flicks, but I will stay next time. 

Yesterday I went to one of the Coffee Group get-togethers and met with 3 other women in a cafe near my house (this is why I went). One of them was kinda cool but I didn't know what expression to pull when one lady started to tell me about some lala Meetup group she goes to which seems to be based on 'The Secret' where you kinda wish things to happen and lo they become so. The organiser channels some celestial being apparently. I very nearly laughed in her face and suggested we inform the starving people of Africa what they've been doing wrong. She could see I wasn't receptive and the subject was changed quite quickly.

I haven't been to the Movie one yet but may already have made myself unpopular. 18 women have decided that it wouldn't be at all a sad and pathetic thing to go and see Breakfast at Tiffanys on Valentines Day. I didn't say this (but it is) however I did mention on the thread that I wasn't interested in going as I thought it was terribly over-rated and a film about 2 needy, unlikeable prostitutes  - one of whom wears a nice dress at some point - wasn't really my bag. Nobody commented back but it should be interesting when I finally do get to meet them all.

So I'm liking Meetup so far. I've met some interesting people (and a bonkers deluded one) and I'm really looking forward to the next non-fiction group meeting. I'm not sure if the website is UK only but it's a great way to meet people, especially if you're new to a town. They have all kinds of groups including religious, sporty, drinking and dining, reading, scrabble, and just general socialising ones. It's getting me out of the house a bit anyway which can only be a good thing.

Vive La France!

As you know I just got back from 5 days in France. One of BBF's friends was turning 40 and had paid to hire a big barn conversion for all of us to stay in; the property was in Lignerolles right in the middle of the country and slap bang in the middle of nowhere.

There were 14 of us altogether; Nick and Emma (it was his birthday) and their 2 kids, Emma's Sister and her husband and their 2 kids, and Emma's friend Charlotte and her husband and their 2 teenage boys. 

The teenagers were lovely; really polite and helpful and a delight to be around but the other kids were a nightmare. I'll leave them for another blog post as I have quite a bit to say about them and it would be nice to focus on the more positive aspects of the holiday today!

BBF borrowed his Mum's convertible and we took the ferry over to Calais early last Saturday; we spent the crossing going over the route  (I was navigating) as we had a 7 hour drive ahead of us. It turns out that French roads have 2 names and their road signs bear no relation to the map; but after a couple of wrong turns, getting lost in Rouen, paying 13 Euros for a burger and a routine police breathalyser check at a toll where we discovered BBF's Mum keeps her insurance docs in the house rather than the car, we arrived after nightfall at the house. 

Upon arrival we found a mental Grendel-type neighbour who had moved from Paris to get some peace and quiet only to discover next door was now a holiday home! All we did was get out of the car and walk into the house but he started shouting and screaming and then threw stones at us! aaahhh, the French... He was known to the owners and we'd been left with strict instructions to call the police if he kicked off but he didn't hassle us again after that thankfully.

The house was gorgeous; it had tiled floors, wooden beams, 4 bathrooms, a huge kitchen-diner, a massive living room with a gigantic TV, a pool, lots of sun loungers, an ivy-covered seating area and a barbecue. We had fresh baguettes and croissants every morning, lots of lovely wine, hams and cheese and we sat down for a big meal together each evening. 

Most of the holiday was spent happily lolling around the garden drinking wine, sunbathing and reading. It was very hot so I impulsively decided to turn my only pair of jeans into shorts (it's hard to sunbathe and keep your modesty in a skirt) but I still managed to get some wear out of my new ooo-la-la French Breton top which I was pleased about. We were lucky with the weather although I was slightly disappointed to hear it had been nice in Brighton as well!

For some reason there were tonnes of really aggressive wasps knocking about and I got stung on my finger and on the back of my knee. I'm not fussed about wasps but hadn't been stung since I was a teenager so was shocked to find out that it hurts like fuck! I couldn't bend my leg until the next day but after making a shandy beer trap I think I killed the bastard along with two dozen others. They got BBF as well, and Nick got stung for the first time in his life on his birthday which resulted in his hand blowing up like a balloon. He was pretty stoical about it unlike myself.

One afternoon I wandered along the lane into the fields to escape the noise that 13 other people make and spent a while quietly sitting against a hay bale listening to the cicadas and watching the crickets jump out of the crispy stubble of the hay field. I don't think you really get to have a 'personal relationship' with a place until you spend some time with it on your own and it was really peaceful there.

On Nick's birthday he was sent off to get baguettes first thing so we could decorate the garden with balloons and bunting we'd made from red and yellow paper serviettes. Later we went to a Go-Ape type of place then that evening a huge thunderstorm broke and it tipped it down. I love thunderstorms and see one every time I go abroad. Due to the heat, they're usually so much more impressive than here, and we could hear it rumbling around the house as we ate dinner He then opened his presents and we all had cake - he said it was a perfect birthday.

The Go-Ape place was pretty cool; the menfolk flew manly down zip wires in nappy-style harnesses and the womenfolk watched the kids playing on the adventure playground praising them for their ability to stay on a rope bridge without falling into a safety net one foot below. I spent most of the afternoon outside the cafe with my book and a glass of red wine which suited me perfectly. I did get some good photos of BBF grimacing in apprehension as he teetered precariously in the tree-tops though.

Overall the holiday was lovely; I got a bit of a tan and a great time was had by all. The kids put a bit of a dampener on it a bit especially as we neared our last day, but we consoled ourselves with the fact that we could go home and their parents were stuck with them for life. I wondered why we don't do more holiday'y things especially as we live in a holiday town, but I guess you get so wrapped up in your routine that you don't get to properly relax until you go away.

I had those usual idealistic thoughts of trying to incorporate parts of the holiday into my life and so far I'm not doing too badly. I've made more of an effort to get on with work instead of faffing around so I can have a proper lunch outside on the step with a book, and I'm currently drinking a glass of red wine as I type. I think I'll definitely be able to keep that one up if nothing else!

My Double Edged Sword

I must say that looking back I have had a bit of a wibble these last few months; I've come across a few articles lately that define what seems have been the problem.

Basically, if a woman has found herself in her late 30's without children, a husband, and a mortgage then what is her role and how does she define herself? What has she achieved and how do these achievements rate against the scale of the more traditional path? If she insists she is happy, should she be believed or pitied?

In the book Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert asks: "..what if either by choice or by reluctant necessity, you end up not participating in this comforting cycle of family and continuity, how do you mark time's passage without the fear that you've just frittered away your time on Earth without being relevant? You'll need to find another purpose, another measure by which to judge whether or not you've been a successful human being. I love children, but what if I don't have any? What kind of person does that make me?"

In my opinion it depends on how a woman feels about the other path; has she always wanted a family, a house and to be a wife? has she never been interested in these things, or has she just found herself without them? When I've been worrying lately that I 'don't have anything', a young cousin of mine pointed out that it wasn't surprising that I hadn't settled down to family life because I've never liked responsibility and never desired to have a family in the first place!

A couple of days ago I read a post by another blogger that confirmed to me that I wouldn't like to be someones mum; that my fears about losing myself were founded in truth, and that I'm lucky to be able to do all the things DAILY that she wishes she could do just occasionally - like take myself for coffee, sit up all night and read, lie-in, take long quiet baths, pamper myself and countless other things that I take for granted. Although she was just having an off-day, it reminded me why I'd never wanted to take that route myself.

Then last night I read a piece in a magazine about the way people see food. One of the entries was by a woman who said she was tired of always being the one slaving away whilst her family hung around waiting to be fed; that eating alone would be a luxury but cooking alone was a daily reality. She wanted to have a meal where she made what she alone wanted to eat, without anyone gabbing on about their day or arguing, and to sit quietly savouring this meal she had made for herself. I only appreciated the luxury of this simple thing that was routine to me when somebody else yearned to have this just once in a while.

These writings made me realise that I'd been having a bit of an identity crisis; if you don't go down the traditional route then there's no way of measuring how you're doing - there's no one to compare yourself to to see 'if you're happy'. It's a strange concept but a natural one I think. It's hard not to define yourself by what your peers are doing and what you think you 'should' be doing - because that's just what people do.

I then read an article in The Times Online today about what were the rites of passage for women who didn't get married or choose to have a family; and incredibly they suggested that alternative ways to know whether you'd 'grown up' or not were to get a younger boyfriend, travel to India, write a book, find religion, have a sporting achievement, deprive yourself of something or (my favourite) GO GAY!! 

Of course, I don't have a family so I should turn into a christian or a lezza in order to feel like I've achieved something - unfuckingbelievable. Notably missing from this article were the options of starting a business or just not to need a rite of passage to feel personally successful.

So After reading these stories, I've had a new realisation of how fortunate and happy I am to be as free as I find myself to be. Although I peer occasionally into more traditional windows and wish for some of those aspects in my life; I also know I'd hate to have the constrictions that family life would inevitably bring - which is why I've never fancied it before and hence don't have it now... Duuuh; I do wonder about myself sometimes!

Elizabeth Gilbert quoting Virginia Woolf wrote "Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword." On one side of the sword there lies convention and tradition and order where "all is correct." But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, "all is confusion. Nothing follows a regular course." Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will also be more perilous.

I liked this very much; I'm not really a conventional girl and I'm lucky that I'm not afraid of anything (except spiders and zombies) I remember joking to my Mum once that I bet in my previous life I had lots of ungrateful children, a useless husband and a life of drugery so I said: "next time around please let it just be all about me" - so I'll be taking the other side of the sword then please Ms Woolf!

This Book Leads to Rome

Today I've been reading a book called 'Eat, Pray, Love' that I had seen on Oprah. I'm not usually into tree-hugging lalaness, I'm not religious, nor do I buy things I see on TV, but this book looked really good. 

It's about a woman who ends her marriage and goes first to Italy to learn the language and stuff her face, then to India to find herself, then off to Indonesia to do... something else (I'm still in Italy) So today I've been sitting in the sun, my feet on a Brighton windowsill and my head in Rome.

Reading about her days in Italy has made me really yearn to go back. She's in Rome (I've been to the North and South but not Rome so far) and like her, I truly believe Italian to be the most beautiful-sounding language ever created - my first language was Italian (long story) but I lost it and make half-hearted attempts to pick it back up now and then. After a week in the country I seem to be getting there but then I come home and forget all about it again.

In a dream World I would speak Italian fluently and spend my birthday there every November (I've done this twice so far) but in reality, business will have to be bloody booming for this to happen! 

Maybe if I work very, very hard....