"The Woman Who Walks Alone..."

I was reading some business blog post the other day and I came across this quote by Einstein: 

”The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before."

I've always liked walking alone and, although I'm not sure if I've found myself in places that no one has ever been before, I certainly live a life that none of my female ancestors - including my mother - has ever been able to live.

A while back I did some extensive research on the maternal line of my family tree and I think about these women often. I think about the limited choices they had regarding who they married and when, how many children they had and even if they would survive each birth, and how a great part of their lives was already scripted based on the limitations society placed on them just because they were women. And those limitations just don't apply to me.

My Mum had me at 16, her Mum had her at 18, and her Mum had her at 20. They all married men who were violent and an utter waste of space if truth be told - and sadly they all had to get married because they were pregnant. They cooked, cleaned, raised children, and basically made sure that every single other person in the family had what they needed. All at the expense of their own ambitions and happiness. Men may help out a bit around the house and with the kids (now at least) but statistically it's women who do the lion's share of the work.

But I don't have to do any of that. I can travel freely, go to exhibitions and the cinema by myself without comment, make my own money and don't have to ask for 'housekeeping' like my Mum did, I don't have to spend my life on my knees scrubbing floors as a maid (which most women would've done until their back gave out and they were unemployable and broken at the age of 40), and I can choose if I want to have children or even be in a relationship. I answer to no-one.

Plus I was given a free education - and even with only five measly GCSEs and no degree I now run TWO businesses. I had the opportunity to make whatever life I wanted for myself and this is something that none of my female ancestors had because of the time they were born in. How fucking lucky am I?!

I often wonder though if I have this life because I walk alone or despite it. Could I have achieved this much freedom if I'd been married or in a long-term relationship? I think I could've achieved some of it but if I'd had kids or a joint mortgage for example then I might not have had the money to travel or time to set up my business as I'd have other responsibilities to meet. I can sit and read all day if I like which is a luxury many women don't have. In fact, It's nearly noon on a Sunday and I'm not even dressed - and I might not even bother!

My personal in-my-heart feeling on the matter though is that I've achieved this level of happiness and freedom because I have no ties. I miss out on all the great things that come with a relationship but I'm also spared all the shit as well. I think women (in particular) are bound by relationships - whether of their own making or not - it just happens. And, weighing up the two, I think I prefer the relationship I have with the world when I meet it head on by myself. The things I lack by being in a relationship (on balance) don't make up for the joy I experience being by myself.

But I also appreciate that that's just me and I how I feel. Maybe I could be in a relationship and not feel hindered by the compromise that seems to come with it. I have a feeling I might find this situation a bit later in life because God knows I've been in a TON of relationships and have never been able to figure out how you make them work and still be true to yourself. I seem to be allergic to them yet keep going back to see if I can find a balance. And although I haven't managed it so far, that's not to say that one day I won't.

I also like looking at Einstein's statement differently. I read it with the emphasis on 'the finding herself' bit. I seem to lose myself in relationships and I don't like that at all. I live a very liberated and charmed life in a time where I have the option of being able to 'find myself' which is a luxury that none of my ancestors had. I think that whichever path women choose, the most important thing is that we can choose - which is something that a lot of women on the planet still don't have.

I've also never been good at physically following crowds which is something that might even save my life one day. I've noticed that most people seem to become like cattle in crowds and just switch into auto-pilot. I saw a programme once where a man escaped a place crash because he used his initiative and jumped over seats when evacuating when everyone else just queued in the aisle until they were overcome by smoke.

The other day too, I was waiting for a train when a platform change announcement was made. Out of around 30 people, only me and one other person moved to the new platform - the others just stood there. They had to make the announcement twice more before the others joined us. So I'm hoping that come the zombie apocalypse my unwillingness to follow a crowd might even increase my chances of survival!

Blogging Challenge Day 30: React to This Term - Letting Go

I'm actually great at letting go... as long as it's my decision.

Things - I'm not a hoarder; in fact the opposite. I like a minimalist look and, although I keep sentimental things, I keep them nicely organised. I have a shoe-box sized memory box for some bits, an actual shoe-box for sentimental letters and cards, I sellotape travel tickets and receipts from holidays and days out in a lovely book, I keep little mementos in a printers tray, and I have all my cinema tickets (with the name of who I went with written on the back of course) in a little tidy bag in a drawer.

I'm always chucking things out but woe betide anyone who loses something I've lent them. In fact I'm well known for not lending out my stuff and I don't see this as a bad thing. I've lost so many things because people don't look after my property that I rarely ever lend anything. Some people think this is a little selfish, but I didn't buy something only for it to end up being someone else's thank you. I've got some nice things and I'm keeping them dammit.

People - I'm also very good at letting go of people - too good some of my friends might say. If I'm done then I'm just done and there's no point in dwelling over it or wringing my hands. When friends leave for far-flung places I'm never the one crying as I wave them off. I'm happy for them and I know we'll probably be chatting on Skype before the end of the week. I look upon such criers as a bit weird actually.

But if someone I love (we're talking boyfriends here) leaves me when I'm not ready, then I'm not a happy bunny at all. I do move on of course - and probably quicker than most people - but I'm not over the moon about the whole thing.

I seldom stay friends with people I meet through work either. Sometimes of course, but generally I keep work and my personal life separate. I work all day with these people so I don't want to hang out with them all bloody night as well! Maybe I'm just good at compartmentalising things but I only have a couple of friends who I went to school with or once worked with which I think is quite unusual as far as I can tell. 

Words & Actions - I definitely find it harder to let go of something that someone has said or done now I think about it. I might forgive what the person said, but I most certainly won't forget it. I find myself mulling over past words and actions and feeling very self-righteous and indignant about it ages later. It's not that I care what someone thinks about me, but I often feel annoyed that they tried to take the piss for example. So I guess I might decide to put things behind me but I'll always remember it happened.

The Past - I had a very turbulent childhood and my parents said and did some pretty outrageous things and treated me in a manner that is unacceptable to anyone I've mentioned it to. But I decided in my 20's to just let it go.

I think I'm very realistic and a 'put up or shut up' kind of person so, unless I was going to make the decision to never speak to them again, I just had to get over it, move on, and take the relationship from there. I decided there were more years ahead of us than behind us so it was worth trying to work on a better relationship. I am still a bit annoyed that they won't recognise or acknowledge the things they did, but it's not something worth getting too stressed about.

Myself - I've definitely let myself go appearance-wise (bit tubby) and I'm not a person who would just let myself go and make a fool of myself by drunkenly singing karaoke in a bar for example. Possibly at a private party but it hasn't happened so far. I can't sing so why would I want to get up and embarrass myself? Wouldn't happen. 

I'd 'let myself go' by leaping out of a plane for instance, but I wouldn't 'let my inhibitions go' and show myself up. There's enough people doing that and I think it's cheap. In a discussion with some female colleagues once, it turned out that I was the only one who'd never flashed  their tits or arse in public. The only one. Why would you do that? Nasty. I didn't feel like I'd missed out in any way and it actually secretly changed the way I felt about them if I'm honest. I thought they had no self-pride or knew how to behave themselves in public. I was proud that I was the only one in fact.

So I guess I've discovered by reacting to the term 'letting go' that I find it very easy to let go of things, the past, and people but not so easy to let go of words or myself. And I'm ok with that.

Blogging Challenge Day 21: A List Of Links To Your Favorite Posts In Your Archives

My Double Edged Sword - l like this post as it's all about my identity as a single woman without any children and how it's hard to measure your worth or happiness when so much of your identity is defined by others on whether you have any children or not.

 I'd also come out of a bit of a gloomy phase and had been having a bit of a worry about what I'd done with my life - I'd been comparing myself to the 'traditional' view of women I guess so had no measure of where I stood in the world. This post is me redefining myself and confirming how happy I was not to have a 'conventional' life.

I Passed My Driving Test! - Self explanatory really. I passed my test first time at the age of 40 after doing around 90 hours of lessons in exactly 7 weeks. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done and therefore the thing I'm most proud of.

Fight Apathy - or Don't - This post is important as it's the one that caused a furore at work and instigated me going freelance. The post itself seems quite innocuous at first glance but I mentioned in it that I had worked a lot of weekends and this pissed my manager off.

My immediate manager knew that I had this blog (trusting rookie mistake), read this post and went and told her manager about it. I then got called in to his office to find them both sitting there 'wanting to have a word'. They bring up my comment about all the weekends I've done to which I reply to by telling them that, as I actually write the rota myself, it's not as if I've got a huge problem with it and that it's my anonymous personal blog and I can write what I want.

They then decide they don't really have a leg to stand on so my boss says that he doesn't want to see another word on my blog about setting up my own business until I walk in and put my notice letter on his desk. Obviously I'm furious about this so a week later he walks into his office to find my resignation letter on his desk. Prick.

After I left my job I wrote a blog post saying how I felt she'd really stabbed me in the back by telling her boss about my blog and that she could hardly talk as she used to say X,Y, and Z about him. I left the post up for a week or so to make sure they'd both read it - he wouldn't have been able to read it if she hadn't told him where my blog was remember - then I deleted it. I wanted to see how she felt being hauled into his office. Cow. 

Blogging Challenge Day 14: Issue a Public Apology

The full title being - issue a public apology. This can be as funny, serious or as creative as you want it to be.

So far I've managed to traced my maternal line back to the late 18th Century to a woman called Joan. Joan was born in Devon around 1770 and she had a daughter, who had a daughter, who had a daughter, who had a daughter, who had a daughter, who had a daughter, who had a daughter ... who decided to leave it there.

So this is an open apology to all my female ancestors. I have a life that many of you might not have wanted for yourselves but I imagine some of you dreamt about once in a while. I didn't have to marry the first man I slept with and who went on to abuse at least 3 of you that I know of. I don't spend my day doing exhausting back-breaking work, and I'm not going to die of cholera or end up in a workhouse.

I have numerous gadgets that make my life easy and pleasant. A machine washes my clothes, I don't need a mangle to dry them and the job doesn't take a whole day. I sleep in the softest luxury and my house is warm. I don't have to get on my hands and knees to clean my floors, I have one gadget for curling my hair,another to straighten it then a different one to dry it. I can press my clothes in minutes. 

I can curl and colour my eyelashes. I can sit comfortably unrestricted by corsets and skirts or I can wear both if I choose to. I don't have to swelter in Summer because of the clothes society says I should wear, I can travel the world by myself, and I am free to choose what work I do or I can spend a whole day reading if I want to. There is nobody making any demands on my time and my life is my own.

My wonderful lost family I wholeheartedly apologise for not carrying on your line. You might have been disappointed that I decided not to continue with the daughter (or indeed whole child) thing but I'm pretty sure you'd be proud of me anyway. It's just that I can choose to be whomever I want to be and I chose not to have any children. Sorry about that.

Blogging Challenge Day 4 - Favourite Quote And Why You Love It

Difficult one this as I have a couple but I guess it's my blog so I'm going to give you both.

"Not all those who wander are lost"

I like this quote because I've never wanted a typically 'traditional' life for myself. I come from a town not unlike most places in the UK where your choices can be quite limited. When I got to the age when I started looking at the people around me to see what was to come, I knew for certain that I didn't want a life like theirs: working 9-5 mon-frid, getting married, having a couple of kids, a car, and a mortgage. I'm not sure what it was about that lifestyle, but I knew in my gut and with every fibre of my little being that I didn't want that life for myself. The only problem was that nobody was doing anything else - I had no role model.

Well luckily I moved to Brighton because you can do whatever you like here and be whoever you want to be and nobody cares or judges you. There are so many different types of people here and some of them are living wild and wonderful existences. And I love it. 

So on one hand this quote represents my ability to decide to go and physically wander the earth or change my life if I want to (there's lots of naysayers in small towns) but it also represents the conscious decision I made to let my soul wander.

"If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got"

Pretty self-explanatory this one. It also links in with the saying that "the definition of a fool is someone who keeps doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." You need to be aware of what you do and the results you're getting. Some people fail to do both of these things for their entire lives, and this quote reminds me not to be one of them.

Busy And Happy

Man I've been busy lately. I run 2 businesses and I'm in the process of setting up an authority website so I can make a little bit of passive income each month from affiliates. And all this takes time. I've been glued to my laptop for around 12 hours a day (and waddaya know - here I am still) but it's all good.

Both my businesses are doing really well and each month I make more money than the same time last year. This doesn't necessarily mean that I have a ton of money mind you but I do have some fabulous jeans and the cats have a hell of a lot of toys! I remember so many posts on here where I was angry, stressed, and concerned about my businesses, but I've put in so much hard work that if it hadn't paid off then then life would be more unfair than I know it to be.

I'm really lucky in that I gain a great deal of pleasure from working. I know this is unusual as a lot of people I know find it hard to understand how work can make me so happy, but you spend so much time working and for so many years that to do something you hate is unacceptable - well it is to me anyway. Now I can't imagine working 9-5 Monday to Friday for someone else like most people do and like I did for so long. Although I can pick my own hours I work way more hours than I used to for about half the wage - and I love it. Sure more money would be great but I really love what I do.

Sometimes I'm on the bus into town and I see the place where I used to work on the hill - and I feel so smug (see photo for how smug I feel) that I don't have to spend my whole day there any more. Occasionally I have to go into town for 9am and I love seeing all the people in their worky clothes scampering off to their offices. The buses are rammed and everyone is stuck in traffic and most of them look pretty miserable - and I used to be one of them. My heart sings and I remind myself how lucky I am all the time.

The journey into Freelancing wasn't easy but damn it was worth it. I get to help people every day and do what I love to do. I can't imagine going back to working for someone else now and I hope I never have to go back. A lot of people are happy to do something they don't care about or actively dislike all week and live for the weekend, but I've never been able to do that. Sometimes I used to wish I could as I was so miserable but didn't know what job would make me happy.

Well thank God I worked it out cos my work life is brilliant. The only thing that's scary about freelancing is that you don't have a regular income; but that is the ONLY thing. everything else about it is brilliant... I really am very fortunate.

My First Christmas Tree

I love Christmas but my ex, although an armchair Jew, hated it and therefore pissed all over it. Not happy with despising it himself, he had to constantly tell me why it was crap as if repeated slating was going to change my mind. Well I'm sorry but it takes quite a lot to change this girl's mind and I'm not budging on Christmas - so piss off grinchy and cop a load of my new Christmas tree!

Instead of going for a traditional tree I decided to have a modern, minimalist twig tree instead. The main reason was that when I saw it in the shop I fell in love with it, plus I reasoned that (despite the snow on it) I could creatively keep it decorated with other non-festive bits and bobs and it would continue to make me happy all year round. It's bendy so you can twist the branches in to whatever shape you want.

I need some more things to go on it but this is it so far. A couple of people have seen photos and said it looks a bit Tim Burtony, but people that see it in my house say the photos don't do it justice and that it looks absolutely lovely. 

I mean just look at this little fella - what a cutie. The little birds and birdhouses would suit all year round and perhaps the bells might also stay. I'm looking forward to making some paper and crochet decorations, plus hanging up anything small that might look good on it. I like that it's something that can keep me creative. In fact, my flat is still quite bare so I'm already aiming on making some other things to homey it up a bit.

Below are some ideas of things I might hang from it after Christmas is over (use free Picmonkey to make a collage like this). I wanted to have a go at doing something like this before using real twigs. But when I went out, I couldn't find the right sort of trees to get the twigs from! They were all bendy with not enough hooky-bits coming off them and were not fit for the job. Rubbish wussy town trees...

I've always liked simple colour-schemes and minimalist designs so I think this tree suits me down to the ground. I also adore a more traditional Christmas tree with lights and baubles, but this house move has cost me a fortune and I have other things to spend my money on - like presents and food. This tree will be a good all yearer and perhaps I might get another tree next Christmas. Of course I have to put it on the kitchen counter when I have Dotty as I've already found her spread-eagled under it!

Ice Pick up The La-La Anyone?

The other day I was in the doctors office and I thought I'd also ask about a few little unimportant saved items whilst I was there. I mentioned that I had some unwanted melasma marks on my forehead and that, when I Googled them, they seemed to be related to the hormones in my pill.

She confirmed this and we discussed some other forms of contraception that I could consider - if I stopped taking the pill you see, the marks might go away but certainly wouldn't get any worse. I hide them with make-up but frankly I'd prefer them not to be there! We ran through a couple of options, and she gave me a booklet of my choices.

Because I don't want kids we discussed sterilisation; she told me that unofficially, this had been hit by health cuts and she didn't know of anyone on the waiting list who has had one - they're basically not doing them any more but not announcing it. So this option was out unless I wanted to pay £500 and go private.

Another option was an implant (injections won't have the desired effect) this is a 4cm rod that they insert in your upper inner arm, it lasts 3 years and they have to cut it out of you afterwards. I did some online research and found countless forums with hideous stories of women saying they put on masses of weight, got really spotty and cried all the time. None of which was in the promotional booklet!

I didn't even bother to look up the IUD as the leaflet says it can make your periods heavier, longer and more painful... No thanks.

So the last option was the IUS, (brand name Mirena) this looks like a pickaxe that you have inserted into you during a 'procedure'. I again researched this online only to find entire forums devoted to stories of horrendous side-effects, which included crushing depression, swollen hands, nausea, dizziness, lethargy, intense stomach pain, 3-month periods, incontinence, weight gain and massive hair loss. Yeah, sign me up to one of those please!

What was worrying is that the medical profession were not advising any of these symptoms and even refusing to believe it was these contraceptives that were causing the problems reported by these women; many of which were desperate for help. 

So I guess I've run out of options. I've been on the pill for over half my life and sometimes wonder if my personality is even my own as I've had fake hormones in my body for 21 years. I'd stuck with the same pill as I'd seen friends prescribed brand after brand because the side effects made their life hell until they found one which 'suited' them. I even know 3 women who suffered abortions after becoming pregnant on the mini-pill in their early 20's. This is a pretty poor show don't you think?

Basically then, apart from 98% effective condoms, or 92% effective diaphragms, birth control for women either consists of having drugs pumped into you for most of your adult life, an implant under your skin that has to be cut out every 3 years, or getting a hook in the uterus - which all come with a risk of pregnancy and side-effects we wouldn't wish on our worst enemy. And we accept all this without much question because there just aren't any other options.

Although I'd much prefer to be in charge of my own birth control, it's quite disgraceful that the options available to us are so damaging to our health. It's also sad that we should remind ourselves that we're lucky to even have these limited options at all...

My Double Edged Sword

I must say that looking back I have had a bit of a wibble these last few months; I've come across a few articles lately that define what seems have been the problem.

Basically, if a woman has found herself in her late 30's without children, a husband, and a mortgage then what is her role and how does she define herself? What has she achieved and how do these achievements rate against the scale of the more traditional path? If she insists she is happy, should she be believed or pitied?

In the book Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert asks: "..what if either by choice or by reluctant necessity, you end up not participating in this comforting cycle of family and continuity, how do you mark time's passage without the fear that you've just frittered away your time on Earth without being relevant? You'll need to find another purpose, another measure by which to judge whether or not you've been a successful human being. I love children, but what if I don't have any? What kind of person does that make me?"

In my opinion it depends on how a woman feels about the other path; has she always wanted a family, a house and to be a wife? has she never been interested in these things, or has she just found herself without them? When I've been worrying lately that I 'don't have anything', a young cousin of mine pointed out that it wasn't surprising that I hadn't settled down to family life because I've never liked responsibility and never desired to have a family in the first place!

A couple of days ago I read a post by another blogger that confirmed to me that I wouldn't like to be someones mum; that my fears about losing myself were founded in truth, and that I'm lucky to be able to do all the things DAILY that she wishes she could do just occasionally - like take myself for coffee, sit up all night and read, lie-in, take long quiet baths, pamper myself and countless other things that I take for granted. Although she was just having an off-day, it reminded me why I'd never wanted to take that route myself.

Then last night I read a piece in a magazine about the way people see food. One of the entries was by a woman who said she was tired of always being the one slaving away whilst her family hung around waiting to be fed; that eating alone would be a luxury but cooking alone was a daily reality. She wanted to have a meal where she made what she alone wanted to eat, without anyone gabbing on about their day or arguing, and to sit quietly savouring this meal she had made for herself. I only appreciated the luxury of this simple thing that was routine to me when somebody else yearned to have this just once in a while.

These writings made me realise that I'd been having a bit of an identity crisis; if you don't go down the traditional route then there's no way of measuring how you're doing - there's no one to compare yourself to to see 'if you're happy'. It's a strange concept but a natural one I think. It's hard not to define yourself by what your peers are doing and what you think you 'should' be doing - because that's just what people do.

I then read an article in The Times Online today about what were the rites of passage for women who didn't get married or choose to have a family; and incredibly they suggested that alternative ways to know whether you'd 'grown up' or not were to get a younger boyfriend, travel to India, write a book, find religion, have a sporting achievement, deprive yourself of something or (my favourite) GO GAY!! 

Of course, I don't have a family so I should turn into a christian or a lezza in order to feel like I've achieved something - unfuckingbelievable. Notably missing from this article were the options of starting a business or just not to need a rite of passage to feel personally successful.

So After reading these stories, I've had a new realisation of how fortunate and happy I am to be as free as I find myself to be. Although I peer occasionally into more traditional windows and wish for some of those aspects in my life; I also know I'd hate to have the constrictions that family life would inevitably bring - which is why I've never fancied it before and hence don't have it now... Duuuh; I do wonder about myself sometimes!

Elizabeth Gilbert quoting Virginia Woolf wrote "Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword." On one side of the sword there lies convention and tradition and order where "all is correct." But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, "all is confusion. Nothing follows a regular course." Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will also be more perilous.

I liked this very much; I'm not really a conventional girl and I'm lucky that I'm not afraid of anything (except spiders and zombies) I remember joking to my Mum once that I bet in my previous life I had lots of ungrateful children, a useless husband and a life of drugery so I said: "next time around please let it just be all about me" - so I'll be taking the other side of the sword then please Ms Woolf!

Now Get On With Your Job Lady!

I've been thinking about Mothers Day today. I've never felt the pull towards having children; my clock just doesn't tick in that way and although I don't mind their company, I have to admit that I often find children noisy, irritating and boring... So it's best all round that I haven't got any then! 

Although I know that motherhood is different for each woman, I can see that it is mainly about sacrifice and selfless giving - it can't be any other way and neither should it. Selfish or not, it just has never appealed to me; when I've been asked to justify my reasons for not wanting children (for yes, some people find it hard to believe that I don't want one!) it truthfully comes down to the fact that I want my life to be about me and to never lose my sense of self. 

I have nothing but admiration for my Mum; she has spent her whole life sacrificing things so that I now have the choice to live the way I do - she has said before that she envies my freedom and that, although she is grateful to have me, if she could go back then she might not have done; she would have had a life for herself first.

When I look at her life, I can see that it was all spent looking after my Dad, my brother and I, she hasn't had a life of her own as she was only 16 when I was born. I know she could have done the things she wanted to as well, but there was never really the time, the money and I believe the support to do so. Her whole life has been about other people and I've never envied her for it - in fact, I've held it up as a life I most certainly wouldn't want for myself.

As far as I can see it is mainly women that hold families together and do the lions share of the work; they cook, clean, do the shopping, make sure that the kids eat well and have everything they need for school, they remember birthdays, sort Christmas, arrange family holidays, and do a million other small things that nobody ever notices - they basically make sure that everyone's lives run smoothly and that everyone is happy. I'm sure there's pleasure in it, but this does not look like fun to me and has never been something I've aspired to.

So hats off to all you Mothers out there who hold the World together... especially mine.