Well Hello There - It's Been AGES!

Blimey, I haven't posted for ages. On one hand there's been nothing to tell you and on the other there's been loads. Now it's all build up so I'll  bring you up to speed by doing a round-up kinda post then I can get back on track and you might actually know what the fuck I'm talking about!

Love life - my love life is rubbish. There's no two ways about this one. I've started doing some Internet dating again... I'm sure a few of you may recall how THAT one turned out but if you weren't a reader, it was both funny and a shambles at the same time. These are my dates so far:

Two dates with Terry who was lovely despite the awful name but there was no chemistry. We are going to be friends though because he's interesting and local.

Two dates with Geoff who told me after our second date that he'd been on another second date with someone a few days before and they'd decided to start seeing each other. I was pretty annoyed that he didn't cancel his date with me thus wasting my Sunday and his. I may have had a lucky swerve though as he told me on the date that he felt no passion or drive for anything which made me wonder if that extended to people. Also he couldn't see a face in the grass I was trying to point out in a field (we were up on a hill) which possibly meant he had no imagination. Plus his name is truly dreadful.

One date with Shailen who, despite saying he had a great time and asking to see me the next week, never contacted me again. Pretty fucking rude.

Even though I'm good at being single and love most aspects of it, this doesn't mean that I want to be single forever and spend the next 40 years by myself. It's really hard to meet people though - especially someone who is interested in me in return it seems.

Social Life - excellent. I've joined a few Meet-up groups and can go out every night of the week if I like. I love the gaming group I go to and really like a guy there but he's 9 years younger than me. We get on really well and it's a shame about the age as I'd ask him out otherwise. I also have some amazing friends who have been brilliant recently as I've been feeling a bit down this week. One even came round with cake and took me out for coffee to cheer me up.

Emotional Status - rubbish. This week has been utter pants and I've been feeling quite sorry for myself. There's a few reasons for this:

1. I've hurt my back and can't get comfy
2. My business has been quiet (which never happens) which has made me start to worry a bit about money
3. My ex has a new girlfriend which he met because she lives in his road and just went and knocked on his fucking door. I'm annoyed about this one as, although I don't want him back, I feel that he was responsible for the breakdown of our relationship, my resulting unhappiness, and that he doesn't deserve the ease at which he's found someone new when I'm much more deserving and nobody wants me. It's hard to admit that I'm bitter and angry about it but that is the truth of the matter. I don't want him to be unhappy but I'm annoyed that he met someone so easily when I can't.
4. Feeling rejected emotionally. Even though I don't care what strangers think about me, I guess it's only natural to feel rejected and confused and all sorts of other horribly damaging emotions when someone rejects you (Geoff & Shailen). Even though they were clearly dicks, it's still quite hurtful and has knocked my self-esteem more than I expected.
5. I fell off my new way of eating when my best friend came to visit. Thisnot only made me physically sick (my body actually immediately rejected what I'd just eaten) and ropey, it made me feel weak for going off track so easily once I had company.

Work - mixed. My main line of work has been really quiet (but looks like it might be picking up from today) and I'm in the process of setting up a new online business which I'm pretty excited about. I'd shelved it for a year as I'd been too busy so, whilst it was quiet, I took the opportunity to finish writing the new website and get the logo designed etc. 

Health - I leant over to readjust the sofa cushions last Saturday and twinged my back. It often just sorts itself out in a day or two but hasn't this time - so I feel about 80. I've also started a new way of eating which seems to agree with me. I've been eating a paleo diet for a couple of months and have never felt healthier. It's stopped my sugar cravings and apparently I even look leaner which is a bonus. 

I've never craved pasta and bread (although I like them) but when I fell off the wagon and ate bread and cake recently, I felt like I'd been poisoned and felt shaky and just dreadful really. It's also made me start cooking, which is something I've never been a big fan of. 

Summary - actually overall things are fine but this week has definitely knocked me sideways and I've been surprised at how being rejected by a couple of men has made me feel. I'm not getting any younger and it would be nice to have someone to share things with and I would like to be in love again one day soon. I have my friends but I mean romantically of course. Being rejected makes you question your personality and your appearance - I know you shouldn't feel that way but you can't help it. Your brain just doesn't play ball sometimes!

I've still been reading your blog updates of course and I so hope you haven't all forgotten me just because I dropped off the radar for a bit. x

Glad to be Home From Austin

I returned from Austin four days ago now and I feel I've only just recovered some sense of normality. I'm really glad I did the event but it was incredibly hard work and I felt like I earned every single penny. Working 12-15 hour days in a windowless, wood-panelled room mainly by myself and only eating when someone bought me food, I was so busy that it took me hours to eat that food and I didn't stop all day. It was completely exhausting.

When I finished work I would call a taxi and hope one turned up as not one knew where the University was even after I gave them the address (in fact not one taxi driver knew the way to anywhere I ever asked him to go in 2 weeks). I would then give them directions every step of the way and fume when they asked how much change I wanted back) I would then occasionally flick through 40 channels of banality before I crashed out so I could get up at 6.30 to do it all again. Thank God the hotel served Illy coffee cos I would have gone postal otherwise.

I did get 2 days out of the 18 to explore and I can tell you that I wasn't impressed with Austin much. Like most US cities it was sprawling and I think people generally drove to the mall to do their shopping. Nearly every place sold food in some way (takeout, fast food, restaurant, 7-11) and most of the food I had was horrible. Nearly everything had fake cheese on it and lost weight when I was there as I could barely look at some of it. I was offered deep-fried ice cream one evening ("hey, it comes with cream on the side!"). Those poor people didn't have a chance - you would have to have a will of steel to live there!

It was a complete culture-shock for me actually. The ineptitude of the US team was staggering but they whooped, high-fived and congratulated themselves when they did anything remotely resembling competence. The red tape we had to navigate so that nobody got sued was jaw-dropping. The taxi driver at the airport refused to lift our suitcases because he didn't have any medical insurance and the competitors had to sign waivers for 100 things before they could do anything. It was most odd. 

We did find a few gems on the faculty though. People we hadn't even known about suddenly appeared and went over and above board to save the day. They were amazing and, whilst the rest were completely out of their depth running an international event of that size, without these gems, the event would have failed in my opinion. They were completely undervalued and underused at the university and were thrilled to get to get to use some skills for once. 

There were a few good moments though. The people were at least friendly, the weather was nice most of the time, I had a laugh buying my cowboy hat and watching people dancing to live music, the margaritas were amazing (they free-pour over there!), the Four Seasons was obviously fantastic and my bed was like a huge marshmallow with clouds for pillows, I liked seeing squirrels clambering everywhere and the buses were cheap.

I'm truly glad I had the experience, and I'd do the next one in London if asked, but I didn't really like Austin much. From being made to stand in a booth with my hands behind my head and then fingerprinted and photographed like a criminal at customs, to the ineptitude and greed of the taxi drivers, half and half, and the lardy food, I'm glad to see the back of it to be honest. I'd still like to see some more of America, but Texas wasn't for me I'm afraid - maybe I'm more European than I realised.

My home for 2 weeks

I'm back to work tomorrow and, having made some big changes to my business just before the event, I'm looking forward to seeing how that pans out. Spring also seems to have finally arrived in Blighty and next week is predicted to be fine and sunny which is something to look forward to. I'm very happy to be back to my cats, Italian coffee pot, TiVo, the cinema and my darling seaside town though.

PS: to my American blogger friends, please don't take this post as a criticism of you. I've only been to two places in the US and am just saying how I personally found the experience. We have plenty to moan about here and, if you'd love to come and visit, I would be delighted to show you around and see what you hate too! 

Open Wiiiiiiiide

The other week I bit on something (alright, it was a wafer thin piece of dark chocolate) and half my upper wisdom tooth just broke in half. I was quite pragmatic about it at the time. It didn't hurt, wasn't sharp, and I wasn't too concerned. But in the back of my mind I knew it was going to lead to costly and painful things.

Well that painful thing was yesterday when I went to have the damned thing taken out. I was already anxious but had been trying not to think about it. But as the time drew near I started to feel quite scared. I tried to talk myself around - after all, I like to think of myself as quite a brave person - but it seems I'm only brave when it doesn't involve someone hurting me.

It didn't help that they kept me waiting terrified in the waiting room for 25 minutes... with a nun and a teenage lad drinking a bottle of coke. Both of them looked very unbothered and I suspected the kid wasn't there for something painful (yet) and imagined the nun was trained to look zen-like. I tried to emulate her calmness but it didn't work. I was petrified.

The dentist was very jovial and friendly which was good but I had to have THREE injections overall - one to numb my gum, one which he said "would sting quite a bit" which we all know is code for "this is going to hurt you somewhat", then another one because my gum wasn't numb enough. By the time they came to wrestle my tooth out my heart was beating like the clappers - which they said was a good thing, adrenalin and all that I suppose.

It was awful.

I had talked myself into believing that it wasn't going to be as bad as I imagined because nothing really is - but it was worse!! It was very traumatic and I was actually shaking when I came out.

So I'm sitting up in bed on my laptop as I type this and I must say that I am feeling a little bit sorry for myself. it doesn't hurt very much but it bled all night and of course I keep poking it with my tongue which feels horrible. I'm not allowed to have any hot drinks for 24 hours and I want a coffee really badly. I'm not a caffeine fiend but it's the morning and I do like a nice hot sweet latte of a morning.

Sorry to share all the hideous details with you but it had to be done. I go to Italy on the 4th so hopefully it'll be healed up by then. And then I'm having four little fillings when I get back. My teeth aren't actually that bad overall (they're straight and even and I've never needed much done to them) but nobody's teeth get better with age I guess.

I'm so going shopping later...

Aaaaaand Stretch!

I went to my first pilates lesson last night and actually quite enjoyed it. I'd asked for vouchers for the Natural Health Centre for my birthday and had received £80 worth from my Mum and my Brother. I then used them to sign up to a 6 week beginners course because I'm starting to feel like one of those wooden collapsible toys!

I'm not massively sporty and I shrink away from any hippy-type things - I won't even go near herbal teas, and if I've got a cold I want cold hard drugs not some bloody echinacea.  Anyway, I knew my back wouldn't strengthen itself on its own, so after years of procrastinating, I finally bit the bullet and signed up for a course.

It wasn't actually too bad and, after a short while of having absolutely no idea what I was doing, and once I'd worked out if I was breathing from my ribs, chest or stomach and which bit of my pelvic floor I was supposed to be engaging on which breath, I think I got sort of got the hang of it.  It was only an hour but I felt some benefit and am happy I signed up.

Some people had done the course before so they immediately grabbed the top mats, the best bands and 2 spikey balls that you put under your arse to balance on; and they maintained a serene smug expression throughout the lesson. You could keep your socks on as well which I liked as I'm a bit funny about people's feet and I don't like being cold either. It was raining all evening so I didn't really want to leave the house, but I was glad I went afterwards.

What made me feel really pleased with myself is that this morning I got up and tried to replicate the moves on the front room floor. I figured that there was no point only doing it when I go each week, plus I'd find it easier each time if I'd practised in between lessons. I'm intending on doing the intermediate course with the remainder of my vouchers, so I should make an effort to keep up the daily practice really.

It's been good learning something new, especially something that I'd not normally have a go at. I've only signed up cos my back is weak, but I also don't want to go into my 40's like a creaky clapped-out old banger! Have any of your guys had a go at yoga or pilates or are you all a bit less exercise-shy?

Jinxed Myself!

Why is it that as soon as you say you've not had a cold for ages you get one? Every bloody time.

Summer colds are the worse because all the sneezing and coughing makes you hot and uncomfortable, and night times are fraught and sweaty. I can tell I'm ill as I went to bed before 10.30 last night and that NEVER happens. In fact, I'm usually like a Duracell bunny in that I always want to stay up and not go to sleep - I seldom flag or feel tired unless I've been up 17 hours or more.

Last night I felt like I'd been put thorough a mangle; my whole body ached and my head felt like a mule had kicked it. I had one of those hot restless nights where it feels like you went 10 rounds with the devil - you have all sorts of bizarre thoughts and nothing makes sense. And it's not like I've even got the flu; I've ONLY got a damned cold!

Today I'm sneezy, snotty and red-eyed. I look so attractive you couldn't imagine. I'm refusing to succumb any further however, and have dosed myself up on Sudafed and got myself a stash of ultra balm tissues for my delicate little nosey. I'm not getting a scabby red honker as well!

Why didn't I just keep my big mouth shut?

Ice Pick up The La-La Anyone?

The other day I was in the doctors office and I thought I'd also ask about a few little unimportant saved items whilst I was there. I mentioned that I had some unwanted melasma marks on my forehead and that, when I Googled them, they seemed to be related to the hormones in my pill.

She confirmed this and we discussed some other forms of contraception that I could consider - if I stopped taking the pill you see, the marks might go away but certainly wouldn't get any worse. I hide them with make-up but frankly I'd prefer them not to be there! We ran through a couple of options, and she gave me a booklet of my choices.

Because I don't want kids we discussed sterilisation; she told me that unofficially, this had been hit by health cuts and she didn't know of anyone on the waiting list who has had one - they're basically not doing them any more but not announcing it. So this option was out unless I wanted to pay £500 and go private.

Another option was an implant (injections won't have the desired effect) this is a 4cm rod that they insert in your upper inner arm, it lasts 3 years and they have to cut it out of you afterwards. I did some online research and found countless forums with hideous stories of women saying they put on masses of weight, got really spotty and cried all the time. None of which was in the promotional booklet!

I didn't even bother to look up the IUD as the leaflet says it can make your periods heavier, longer and more painful... No thanks.

So the last option was the IUS, (brand name Mirena) this looks like a pickaxe that you have inserted into you during a 'procedure'. I again researched this online only to find entire forums devoted to stories of horrendous side-effects, which included crushing depression, swollen hands, nausea, dizziness, lethargy, intense stomach pain, 3-month periods, incontinence, weight gain and massive hair loss. Yeah, sign me up to one of those please!

What was worrying is that the medical profession were not advising any of these symptoms and even refusing to believe it was these contraceptives that were causing the problems reported by these women; many of which were desperate for help. 

So I guess I've run out of options. I've been on the pill for over half my life and sometimes wonder if my personality is even my own as I've had fake hormones in my body for 21 years. I'd stuck with the same pill as I'd seen friends prescribed brand after brand because the side effects made their life hell until they found one which 'suited' them. I even know 3 women who suffered abortions after becoming pregnant on the mini-pill in their early 20's. This is a pretty poor show don't you think?

Basically then, apart from 98% effective condoms, or 92% effective diaphragms, birth control for women either consists of having drugs pumped into you for most of your adult life, an implant under your skin that has to be cut out every 3 years, or getting a hook in the uterus - which all come with a risk of pregnancy and side-effects we wouldn't wish on our worst enemy. And we accept all this without much question because there just aren't any other options.

Although I'd much prefer to be in charge of my own birth control, it's quite disgraceful that the options available to us are so damaging to our health. It's also sad that we should remind ourselves that we're lucky to even have these limited options at all...

STG's Post - Celebs, Chiropractors And Cats

Hey girly; been pretty manic this week so my apologies for the overdue post.

You haven't really missed anything, it's been raining and a bit windy so obviously we're on panic storm alert as Britain is unable to cope with any variables in weather - even though we're a country that is and has always been home to various assorted types of weather. 2 guys did take the opportunity to use the tad breezy conditions to kite surf over Worthing Pier however!

The main topics of conversation in the media this week, have been Jordan on 'I'm a Celebrity...' (frankly I've barely taken notice as she's a fame-hungry, high-maintenance, waste-of-space publicity whore who can't fart without having to ring the press) and whether Jedward on the X-Factor are rubbish; I don't watch it any more as I decided that even I had to draw the line somewhere as that by watching such lowbrow, tat I was contributing to the homogenisation and lowering of standards - even though I like watching ANTM, Worlds Most Amazing Videos and Ghost Hunters! The consensus in case you're remotely interested is that yes, they're talentless wankers - so will probably win it.

Work is fine; I need a few more clients so will be doing some marketing this weekend, I'm going to see the new Coen Bros film on Saturday and that's about it really. I fucked my back again so had to see the chiropractor twice in one week (painful both in wallet and reality) but It's kinda ok again now. I still firmly believe that you have to be fantastically good-looking to become a chiropractor as mine is deeelicious - In fact I recommend everyone throws themselves down the stairs just so he can give them the once over!

I've been missing Dexter a lot. Sometimes it feels like he never existed; I keep dreaming about him and then wake up upset as it feels like I get him back only to have him taken away again each morning; that feeling hangs over me for most of the day like bad dreams do. Because he replaced Fraidy, it's like they've both died again - I'm very much a pet person and feel like I have no purpose to be honest. I can't have a pet here so I'll have to wait, but I'm finding it hard if I'm truthful.

I'm enjoying reading your Blog; sounds like Amman is an amazing place and I really wish I was there with you; I miss you loads but hope you are enjoying yourself. I can't believe that things are so cheap there - more photos of everything please!

So until next week my Star Trek friend... x

Don't Look Down!

I'm on the countdown to freelance at the moment and my thought have been turning to how I'll spend my time after I leave my regular routine. I want to make sure I get into good habits so it'll be easier to keep them going.

There's a few lifestyle changes I'd like to make as well as getting my business off the ground, so my plan of action so far is: 

1. Getting fitter. I've been very sedimentary these last few years; I used to waitress so ran around all day without worrying what I ate - this is not the case any more and I could do with dropping some weight. Therefore I intend to go for a 45 minute jog-walk most mornings down to the beach and back to both clear my head and gear myself up for the day.

2. Getting up later and going to bed later where possible. I'm not an early-morning kinda gal, and my job has meant an 8am start each day - I'm looking forward to knocking that on the head and only getting up before 7 if I feel like it!

3. Moving my head into a better place. Over the last few weeks I have been spending all my spare time reading business advice and gearing up for the change; I read a book last year called 'how to get from where you are to where you want to be' and it was brilliant - it really encourages positive thinking and I had the idea for my business just after I finished it. I've recently picked it up again and have found it's been good at keeping the momentum; I now read some every night as I know that if I lose my courage then I could fail at this.

4. Live in the now a bit more. People are always looking back at what has happened or forward to what they want to happen; it's important to appreciate the now and enjoy the journey. I'm usually quite good at this but can sometimes lose track of life and miss what's happening. It's good to be in the present and appreciate it.

I think that each point is manageable and should hopefully keep me moving in the right direction; it's a very exciting time but a bit scary if I think about it too hard - so my plan is to keep looking ahead and not to look down!

It's a Headache Jim, But Not as We Know it

I just discovered I am a sufferer of 'Silent Migraines' - oh, yes; because I have to be different (you are a unique and special snowflake) I have to be the freaky person who gets a headache without the... urm, headache!

A coupla months ago I started to see a jaggedy white shape in my peripheral vision; it starts really small like a cog and then gets bigger and opens up - I thought it might be because of light coming in through my window at work and hitting the side of my eye but when I had it a couple of times at home I went to see the doctor - who actually didn't have a clue what it could be.

Luckily before I panicked and thought I was going blind, my flatmate described it perfectly to me as what she gets when she has a blinding migraine - unfortunately for her, she also gets a banging headache and feels sick. Lucky old me I only gets them for about 20 minutes; but in that time I can't focus properly and get a kind of blind spot like when you accidentally look at the sun. It's not painful but just a bit unnerving.

From looking on the Internet it seems that there's not really a lot I can do about it; I could take headache tablets, but as it only lasts for about 20 minutes there's not really much point - I'd quite like it to go away again though!

Run Fowrest Run!

I had a bit of a run yesterday. I'll not lie, I'm not really one for exercising as I don't actually like it; but I'm a bit squidgy and there is some muffin overspill on occasion - plus frankly I used to look hotter. I'm not 'fat' but I'm drawing a line in the sand right here.

Now I know that a diet of Cadbury's Creme Eggs and Curly Wurleys is not the best idea, but I like sweet things and I'm just not going to deprive myself of meringues, biscuits and cakes, I'm just not. So I decided that I should perhaps try to cut down somewhat on the sugar (gone are the days when I could literally exist on toffee popcorn and biscuits) and maybe do some exercise now and then.

Some (freaks) people love exercise; the very same people that like cooking I imagine, but I am not one of those people. So when I set off in my new trainers I knew it wasn't going to be fun in any way and by the time I had gotten to the top of the road I was already regretting the decision. I ran to the park then down to the beach for some 'pebble resistance' training; I incorporated a quick lie-down and listen to the waves because it seemed a shame to waste the moment; I then carried on to the pier, up past the Pavilion then staggered up the steepest hill in Brighton to my house. (I say 'ran', it was a small bit of running then lots of fast walking to be fair)

I was not a pretty sight upon arrival; I was flushed, had a banging headache, a bit of a backache and was knackered. I did not have a healthy post-exercise glow about me, nor did I feel particularly exhilarated, full of vigour or raring to take on the World. I hope I get used to it because podgy and I are going to be strangers to one another from now on!