My Double Edged Sword

I must say that looking back I have had a bit of a wibble these last few months; I've come across a few articles lately that define what seems have been the problem.

Basically, if a woman has found herself in her late 30's without children, a husband, and a mortgage then what is her role and how does she define herself? What has she achieved and how do these achievements rate against the scale of the more traditional path? If she insists she is happy, should she be believed or pitied?

In the book Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert asks: "..what if either by choice or by reluctant necessity, you end up not participating in this comforting cycle of family and continuity, how do you mark time's passage without the fear that you've just frittered away your time on Earth without being relevant? You'll need to find another purpose, another measure by which to judge whether or not you've been a successful human being. I love children, but what if I don't have any? What kind of person does that make me?"

In my opinion it depends on how a woman feels about the other path; has she always wanted a family, a house and to be a wife? has she never been interested in these things, or has she just found herself without them? When I've been worrying lately that I 'don't have anything', a young cousin of mine pointed out that it wasn't surprising that I hadn't settled down to family life because I've never liked responsibility and never desired to have a family in the first place!

A couple of days ago I read a post by another blogger that confirmed to me that I wouldn't like to be someones mum; that my fears about losing myself were founded in truth, and that I'm lucky to be able to do all the things DAILY that she wishes she could do just occasionally - like take myself for coffee, sit up all night and read, lie-in, take long quiet baths, pamper myself and countless other things that I take for granted. Although she was just having an off-day, it reminded me why I'd never wanted to take that route myself.

Then last night I read a piece in a magazine about the way people see food. One of the entries was by a woman who said she was tired of always being the one slaving away whilst her family hung around waiting to be fed; that eating alone would be a luxury but cooking alone was a daily reality. She wanted to have a meal where she made what she alone wanted to eat, without anyone gabbing on about their day or arguing, and to sit quietly savouring this meal she had made for herself. I only appreciated the luxury of this simple thing that was routine to me when somebody else yearned to have this just once in a while.

These writings made me realise that I'd been having a bit of an identity crisis; if you don't go down the traditional route then there's no way of measuring how you're doing - there's no one to compare yourself to to see 'if you're happy'. It's a strange concept but a natural one I think. It's hard not to define yourself by what your peers are doing and what you think you 'should' be doing - because that's just what people do.

I then read an article in The Times Online today about what were the rites of passage for women who didn't get married or choose to have a family; and incredibly they suggested that alternative ways to know whether you'd 'grown up' or not were to get a younger boyfriend, travel to India, write a book, find religion, have a sporting achievement, deprive yourself of something or (my favourite) GO GAY!! 

Of course, I don't have a family so I should turn into a christian or a lezza in order to feel like I've achieved something - unfuckingbelievable. Notably missing from this article were the options of starting a business or just not to need a rite of passage to feel personally successful.

So After reading these stories, I've had a new realisation of how fortunate and happy I am to be as free as I find myself to be. Although I peer occasionally into more traditional windows and wish for some of those aspects in my life; I also know I'd hate to have the constrictions that family life would inevitably bring - which is why I've never fancied it before and hence don't have it now... Duuuh; I do wonder about myself sometimes!

Elizabeth Gilbert quoting Virginia Woolf wrote "Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword." On one side of the sword there lies convention and tradition and order where "all is correct." But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, "all is confusion. Nothing follows a regular course." Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will also be more perilous.

I liked this very much; I'm not really a conventional girl and I'm lucky that I'm not afraid of anything (except spiders and zombies) I remember joking to my Mum once that I bet in my previous life I had lots of ungrateful children, a useless husband and a life of drugery so I said: "next time around please let it just be all about me" - so I'll be taking the other side of the sword then please Ms Woolf!