Lady Stardust To You

I read this today and liked it very much so thought I'd share it with you guys. I think this is the only way I wouldn't mind being a little less orderly - although I doubt that I'd be aware of this of course.

"You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your broken-hearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly. Amen."

- Aaron Freeman.

Good Riddance

If you already read my blog and you're in another part of the World you already know my views on Margaret Thatcher and the Tory Party so I'm not going to spend any time writing on here what I think about her death as I'm sure you already know that I must be very happy about it.

I've spent a lot of time these past few days 'debating' that matter with people and I'm not going to sully my blog banging on about how much I despised her cos I'm done. I thought I should mention it though as it's quite big news I guess so to read a British person's blog and for them not to mention it might be a bit weird! 

So, the evil old despot who sold off and divided our country, called Mandela "That grubby little terrorist" covered up the Hillsborough disaster, and cosied up to the Chilean dictator Pinochet has finally carked it and I for one am pleased. I care as much about her friends and family as she cared for the countless families and communities she ruined. Good riddance to the old cow. I'm just angry that we're having to fork out millions for a funeral when it should be privatised.

And that's all the time I'm going to spend writing about that old hag..

Trajectories

I just read that Whitney Houston was found dead in a hotel bathtub yesterday aged 48. Obviously I didn't know her, but that doesn't stop me thinking how sad it is. 

When I was in my early teens I used to go round to my friend Sylvia's house and watch MTV. I remember us watching her bounce around singing 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody' and she was all bright eyes and bushy tailed. She was very young, clean and fresh - my friend and I thought she was absolutely beautiful.

I've never bought one of her records, nor have I particularly followed her career but it was clear to see that she turned into a very troubled woman, supposedly led astray by her husband. Her descent from bright young thing into deluded haggard mess did appear to correlate with her marriage but who knows.

The reason her death also resounds with me is that my step-cousin Sean was found last week frozen to death in a church doorway. I remember him from when we were little - his Dad married my aunt and he and his younger brother and sister came into our family. He was only 2 days older than me so we were in some of the same classes at school. He was very lively but we all used to pay together very happily.

Sean was always very troubled though looking back; all 3 of them were I guess. Their Mum was unfit and their Dad eventually became an alcoholic and my aunt divorced him. Sean was naughty at school and by the time I left my home town aged 23 I had no idea where he was. He had gotten into drugs (rife in our area) and once Sean became an adult, my aunt had to start thinking more about damage-limitation to her younger children.

To be honest, I rarely thought about him. We weren't close, he was a liability and he wouldn't accept any help or advice from his family. They loved him very much but over time he ostracised them all, burnt every bridge (or thought he had), and put his family through hell. I hadn't heard his name mentioned for many years until one of my cousins called my last Wednesday to say he was dead.

He'd moved to another city and had been working for the homeless charity Emmaus. He had a place to stay, a job with them, and had started to work as a counsellor for other homeless people. I hear he had been clean of drugs for a couple of years, but that he still drank. Apparently he has been described as an 'all round nice guy', which I remember was never really the problem.

There hasn't been an inquest yet, but I'm guessing he was drunkenly making his way home in the snow, sat for a while in the church doorway and hypothermia got the better of him. Not a bad way to go in terms of dying I guess, but not a good way to go in terms of living. 

So sad and needless all round really. I'm not devastated by either of their deaths, I just feel that it's all a bit of a shame when you remember how they used to be all those years ago. I know we all have to go at some point, but there's no sense in playing on the motorway.

40 In A Week, 60 The Week After

This post may seem like a whole load of nothing if you are over 40, but I am not (for exactly another week anyhow) and I'm feeling somewhat surprised and disgruntled about the situation I find myself in.

I know this sounds like a huge cliché, but I was just 14. I was just standing in the playground with my friends with back-combed hair in the shortest navy skirts we could get away with, discussing how old we would be in the year 2000 - and now the Millennium was 11 bloody years ago! How did that happen? It is unthinkable.

Then I was around 28, suddenly I was 35 and now I find myself on the brink of 40. I've mentioned before that I'm aiming to live until at least 85, so I'm nearly half way through! Half way to the end. What the fuckety fuck?! I daren't close my eyes tonight because I feel certain I'll wake up and be 47. 

Of course we all get older but I am shocked at how quickly it seems to have happened. The view of my face in the mirror bears little resemblance to how I see myself. They're the same cheeks that my Mum wiped tears from when I was a baby, the same eyes I unwisely applied blue mascara to as a teenager, the same lips that have created thousands of screams, howls, laughs and kisses, the same face that I have cleansed, plucked, moisturised, inspected and peered at for 39 years. But I somehow can't seem to accurately visualise or project myself back to see myself as I was through those eyes. I can only see me as I am now.

A lot of people are completely comfortable with the idea of getting older, but I think they're either lying or they haven't thought it through properly. Who wants to get old and die? I don't mind getting older in theory, but I don't want to wrinkle up and drift south; I want to be young and sprightly Goddamn it! They say that youth is wasted on the young and they're right. 

I suppose it comes down to the matter of control. I do not like that I will get older and older, until one day I will cease to be. I am extremely unhappy and put out that I have no say in the matter. I don't like being made to do anything and this is the ultimate in lack of control I guess. 

I've been obsessed with dying and the reality of existence since I was very small; I've never gotten my head around the fact that one day everyone will no longer be here. I'm incredulous about this - how can this be? I can't imagine that it could be so. I know that 40 is not old, but It's certainly another milestone on my journey down the road.

My birthday is a time when I get very reflective. I have a little audit and check that I'm on the right track and where I want to be. I'm truly happy that I'm where I am, but as I get older I'm more keenly aware that I'm being shoved rudely along to an ending I'm not keen on. And I'm not happy about that at all.

My Friend's Mum Died

I received a text from my friend's partner yesterday to say that her Mum had died that morning. I had taken my friend for tea and cake at a swanky seafront hotel last Thursday and she said the doctors thought her Mum had another couple of months - and yet less than a week later she is gone.

My friend is devastated as you can imagine. Well I don't know how she is as I haven't spoken to her and she hasn't replied to my text. I doubt she can think of anything at the moment. I've done the usual - told her how sorry I am and offered to look after her son or to help in any way I can. But there's little else a person can do in these situations it seems.

What has been shocking is the speed at which this happened. She was only diagnosed around 4 months ago and had been having regular cancer screening up until then. She wasn't even 70 I think and suddenly it's all over her. It's frightening to know that something can take hold of you and kill you that fast. 

Last week my friend said she was lucky in some ways. Her Mum got to see her only son married this Summer without any illness hanging over her (she was fine then with no suggestion of illness) and she got to spend a few years with her only Grandchild. In the future I imagine my friend might be glad that her Mum didn't die at Christmas too. She might be grateful that there isn't a shadow hanging over it so she can celebrate the day with her family without feeling guilty.

The whole thing is just horrible. My friend was worried that her Mum would die on her own as she could only spend 4 days of the week up in London as her husband had to work. I don't know if that happened. She said her brother was also worried he wouldn't be there as he lives in Brussels - they had no timescale to work with you see. She told me her Mum looked at her last week and said "tell me I'm going to be ok". And she simply couldn't. What a thing to go through.

My Friend's Mum is Dying

My friend's Mum is dying and I feel so sorry for her. It's all happened so quickly and my friend is completely distraught and whirling around in a nightmare which will only begin to dissipate with the death of her Mother - and then it will change into something else equally painful.

Cancer is literally devouring her, and from having nothing in her hip 3 weeks ago, she now can't even walk. It is in her head, her lungs, her hip and her ovaries. It has only just been discovered and it ravaging her at an alarming rate. My friend obviously is devastated and I desperately want to make her feel better but know it's impossible. 

My friend knows that treatment will only give her Mum a bit more time, but her Mum seems to think she will be cured and it will all go away. She's not ready to die and hasn't fully grasped the situation - or if she has then she's not admitting it. Also they're not even sure if the treatment will be worth it as it may buy her time, but at what cost?

My friend lives in Brighton, her brother lives in Brussels and her Mum lives in London. She has a 3 year old son and, although her husband is the main breadwinner, she has had to freeze the business she's only just set up to spend all her free time up in London. I've offered to look after her son when I can and I'm treating her to an afternoon out for tea and cake, but I so wish I could do more for her.

When she first told me, she had this look in her eye when she was talking about treatment. Her words were saying there could be hope, but her eyes said otherwise. They were almost imploring and searching mine for an indication that I agreed, and my heart just broke for her. Sadly, I felt both that I understood her fear and that I was lucky not to be in her position as my Dad has just been diagnosed with skin cancer and I felt guilty that he was going to be ok and her Mum was not.

Well, it looks like my Dad is going to be ok. They removed a mole on his arm, discovered it was cancerous then he went back so they could take more away. This resulted in 14 stitches so it was quite an area. He had another one removed from his back and now they have to take more from the area on his arm again. This time he'll have to have skin grafts.

He's not too worried as it hasn't spread to his lymph nodes and the success rate is very high. But part of me wonders if this is it - is this how it starts? After all, we are all going to lose our parents if we haven't already, and then one day it will be our turn. Death moves ever closer and the best we can hope for is that our family (and ourselves) will one day be afforded a 'good' death. My apologies for the morbidity but such is the subject of the post and the reality of the situation.

So while I wait and see what will happen to my Dad, my friends Mum is rapidly and reluctantly dying. Her partner has lost both his parents already so she at least has someone to talk to that understands and can maybe help her come to terms with it, but this is the first of my friends that I've seen go through this and I wish I knew how to help her more. I know all I can do is be there for her but I really wish it was more.

Last of The Hollywood Greats

I've just found out Elizabeth Taylor has died and I must admit to being utterly gutted. I didn't know her personally obviously but as a lover of old Hollywood she came very high on my radar.

Not only was she beyond a doubt one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, she was also feisty, opinionated, determined and dedicated to making a difference. I've read a few biographies on her and really admired her; in fact, I thought she was an incredible person.

I'd thought recently that she would probably go soon but I also kind of expected the old dame to last forever. Now that she's gone, I can't think of any old school Hollywood icons except Lauren Bacall - they're mostly either homogenised bland yo-yo's or technically good actresses but not great Hollywood stars like Joan Crawford, Elizabeth Taylor, Greta Garbo, Bette Davis, Rita Heyworth, Judy Garland, or Marlene Dietrich.

I've very sad to see her go. Liz, you were a bloody star.

Getting There

It's been a strange week so far; it started off with the most horrid awful thing, which I don't think I have STILL gotten my head around and has just limped on from there.

I know he was just a cat but how unfair is it that he had to be taken away so quickly? He was the one thing that made me happy really; I don't like where I live, I'm trying to get my business off the ground so am working long hours, I'm worried about money because I no longer have a regular job, and I'm single.

I've been at my parents and am coming back to Brighton today; I had been really looking forward to this visit as I desperately needed a relaxing break and wanted to have some fun with my family and friends. Instead I came here distraught, kept making my Mum cry cos she still misses her little cat, and I imposed my misery on my whole family. Seeing my Dad and Brother digging a hole in the garden in the cold and dark for Dexter was heartbreaking.

I do feel much better though - mainly because you just can't maintain that level of misery and get through a day. I bought my laptop with me as I had rescheduled 3 clients so I could go home with my parents; therefore I have needed to catch up on some work so I don't lose any more money. So it has not really been a holiday as such.

Some family have been over to visit which has been lovely, and I took my brother to the cinema last night (District 9 AGAIN if you can believe!) I also went out for a meal with an old friend and ended up laughing my arse off which was brilliant - I thought I'd never crack a smile again 3 days ago.

I know it's obvious to everyone but my pea-brain has never been able to comprehend the way things can suddenly change. I KNOW that anything can happen at any given point but I still can't get my head around it when it does - I'm not very good with change that I haven't instigated I guess.

I'm not massively looking forward to going back to the house today; it's a house of bad memories that I'd already decided to move out of. Ironically, I said to my last flatmate that I had a bad feeling about moving there before I moved out; I didn't know why but I just wasn't looking forward to it and couldn't sum up any enthusiasm. I wrote a list about my concerns and all the things on the list still stand. I didn't have anywhere else to go though so had to move - I also didn't know why I had a bad feeling about it and it looked ok on paper so there was no reason not to move there. 6 weeks later I hate it and my cat is dead. The thing I was most worried would happen to him did.

Like I said, I do feel a bit better I suppose, and I know that I will be ok - but to be honest I've also had better weeks.

The Worst Day

My worst fears came true today; I'd just gotten up and my mobile rang - it was a couple ringing to say they had found Dexter and that he had been hit by a car and killed.

I went outside in my pajamas and there he was. I still can't believe it. He was the most amiable, happiest little fella and I loved him so much. I'd only had him a year and I just can't believe he's gone already. I'm not going to get another one this time as I just can't go through this again.

My parents are on their way down now to collect him; I was actually going to visit them on Thursday but my Dad couldn't bear the thought of me having to bring my dead cat with me on the train. That's 2 cats that I've lost in a year and now both will be in my parents garden. He was only just over a year old and It's such a shock. I can't believe he's gone.

There is no doubt now that I will be moving out of here as quickly as I can - this is now just the place where Dexter was killed. His little paw prints are still on the window sill and his fur is on the bed. I can't believe that whilst I was sleeping he was probably dying outside on his own in the cold and dark.

I had a private Blog called Dexter's Diary that only I could see where I updated how he was doing and posted pictures. I didn't have many photos of my last cat so I wanted to document his life - I was so excited that we were at the beginning of our journey together, and now it's already over.

I am so gutted I can't even tell you.