3 Broken Hearts

When I took on my 2 new kitties I knew that little Lola had a grade 6 heart murmur. This means that she in unlikely to have a long life as having a grade 6 (the highest there is) at such a young age is not good. Unfortunately it now turns out that her sister Treacle also has one.

I only found this out the other day when I took them to be registered at my own vets. Treacle (the dark brown one) had been given a clean bill of health but my vet told me it sounds like she has a grade 2 murmur. She said it was quite hard to detect which is why the Cat Shelter's vet might not have picked up on it, but that it is there.

At first I was a little stoical about it; I'd read a lot about heart murmurs and know that a grade 2 isn't so bad and certainly not as bad as a grade 6 anyway. She'll probably be fine and have a long life - but there is also a chance she might not. A few hours later I have to say I was feeling pretty rotten about it. I knew before I got her that Lola would probably have a short life, but I thought that Treacle was the one I'd end up with. And to find out that they both might die suddenly was actually quite horrible.

I know you just have to go with the flow and it's all about quality of life - they'll have an amazing life here with me - but every day with them is like Christmas morning and I hate to think of that being cut short sooner that it has to be.

There's not even anything you can really do. A heart scan is £300 a pop and even then there's not a lot that you can do with the results. An operation could be pointless as it wouldn't necessarily fix the problem (it's probably congenital) they might die under the anaesthetic  and it would cost around £1000. You can't insure cats with known heart defects and I just don't have that kind of money for a non-guaranteed procedure.

All I can do I guess is just hope for the best and enjoy them while I can.

Man Up Woman!

I write this post from my new flat. I'm sitting up in bed on a grey and dreary Saturday morning in my toasty new bed that arrived yesterday. I haven't written a post in bed since before I moved in with my old bf. 

His bedroom was pretty dark and boyish so not the place I ever wanted to linger of a morning - I used to head to the living room as soon as I got up as it was a bit brighter in there. Basement flats are a bit dull like that.

My best friend is coming to visit for the weekend and later this evening up to 15 laydees are coming over for wine and cake to warm my new flat.  I still need some more furniture, the landlady has done a shonky job on painting the place (woodwork gets sanded first people!) and  work has been scant this month so I'm skint - but I am all settled and as happy as I can be in the circumstances.

my ex came over yesterday as he helped me put up the bed. Our relationship is now in the realms of tricky and grey. I don't know if he's my boyfriend or if it's over. Did we call it a day or are we seeing how things go now I've moved out? We're actually getting on very well now - no bickering because there's no point. 

I thought I'd feel free and happy once I'd moved in and I don't somehow. Maybe it's because someone else is helping pay for the flat that I know it can't last for ever and I'll have to move again. Maybe it's because I thought I'd found 'the one' then it went to shit. Maybe it's because I don't have familiar things around me so feel a bit adrift. I know I miss Dillinger - I don't feel lonely but I do feel alone. 

I don't feel completely discombobulated, but I do feel a little out of sorts - yet I don't quite know why. I'm a little sad to find myself back in this position ("hello back where you started, I remember you") yet I chose to do this cos things definitely weren't right and I wasn't happy. Tip: if you're not sleeping with someone then you're not really in a relationship, you're in 'other'.

Last night I decided that Martha Gellhorn or Bette Davis wouldn't sit around feeling glum and out of sorts; they'd tell me to man up and pull myself together. So this is what I will do. I made the decision to leave, I know it was the right decision, so now I will get on with it.

Maybe to feel more settled I just need more furniture... or a dog.

I've Found a New Home!

Good news - I have found a new place already. I know I work quickly, but damn I'm good!

It was a flat I went to look at a few days ago and it was perfect. The only problem was that there was no access for Dillinger. Yesterday however, I decided that it felt like it had my name on it, so I emailed the landlady, explained that the situation had changed and that my client would be paying for it but I would be living in it and would that be ok? I figured I had nothing to lose and I really didn't want to be worried about living in a house I shouldn't be in.

She said no worries at all and that she trusted her gut feeling which said that I was ok. I cannot tell you how happy and relieved I am. The flat has a one south-facing large bedroom, a very large lounge, a little bathroom, and a small south-facing kitchen. It is perfect. It's right by the railway station, and right by a little coffee shop. The road is quiet, and she is going to paint it white for me.

The rent is £780 per month of which my client will be paying half. With my income and the money he pays me alone, my rent should be minimal and I'll just have bills and food to think about. I emailed my client to ask if the price was ok and if he minded signing a one-year lease and he said the flat sounded great and to snap it up before someone else did. I don't think he really cares as he just needs a flat for tax purposes. How effing cool is that?

I do feel bad about my little kitty, but he is far more independent than any other cat I've ever had and I don't think he cares where he is as long as he's comfy and someone feeds him. I'd like to travel more next year and, as a friend pointed out: yes I have a responsibility to him but I can't allow the next 12 years of my life be dictated by a cat. My parents said they'll even take him and, although they have 2 large dogs, they also have a 100ft garden leading out to open fields. I think he'll be fine.

Me with short hair in Sorrento a few years ago

I haven't told my boyfriend that I've found somewhere yet - I'm meeting with the landlady again tomorrow to discuss details and deposits and I'll take it from there. We did address our relationship situation today though and have pretty much broken up. I said I'd prefer us to be good friends rather than rubbish partners. We've had a good try and it's simply not working out. He's pretty sad about it but overall it feels like a smooth transition and I think we'll stay friends.

We're also still going on holiday together in a few weeks and are both still happy to go. I said I would buy him out if he wanted, but he said no. I'm pleased that everything seems fine and we're going as friends. There's much less bickering as friends and no expectations on the other person! We're going to Sorento where I've been twice before and I'm really looking forward to eating nice food and reading my Kindle overlooking the bay of Naples with a glass of wine and some cake.

Although it feels sad that something that was once great and could have been greater has ended, I do feel like I'm about to embark on an exciting adventure... and I can't wait.

And The Housing Solution!

So as I mentioned in the previous post, I emailed the American client cheekily asking if I could find him another flat for when his lease is up on the 20th November... and he said yes!  In fact that's all he said. I opened with "would you be open to the possibility of..." and he sent that one word answer. He's not a very chatty man...

I don't think he really cares to be honest. As long as the flat is nice, not too expensive, and quite central then he's not too bothered. The routine is that I find him a place and pay the deposit from his account (I'm a signatory) the agents then email him the contract and ask for references. He scans the forms and emails them back along with a wire for 6 months rent up front (nice) I then get the keys. And this time I move in!!! Blimey.

I haven't told my boyfriend yet but I could barely sleep for thinking about it. I've basically been told I can just go and find a nice one bedroomed flat for myself and my cat then pay half the rent. When does that happen?! I think this was the thing that kept me from leaving to be honest, that and the fact that I do actually care about my boyfriend - I'm just not sure if I'm in love with him. Not how I want to be in love anyway.

I will let you know how it all pans out and at the same time will try not to bore you with my love life. I feel bad talking about him so meanly as well because he's a good bloke but I don't think he's the bloke for me any more sadly. I just have to extricate myself from this situation with as much damage limitation as possible - for both me and him. 

We're also going on holiday together to Sorento for my birthday at the beginning of November for 5 days. I will have to tell him before then obviously and the only 2 options are that we still go together, or I buy him out and go with someone else or on my own. The holiday was very cheap so I could afford to do this. 

It's all quite exciting, scary, a bit sickening, and very sad. But sometimes these things don't work out and you just have to move on. This is such a shame as my boyfriend is a really decent person who's heart is in the right place, but we don't really make each other happy any more. He's said that in the past he'd stayed in relationships even when they weren't working, but I'm not like that and I need to move on as quickly as possible. Life is too short to do anything you're not really into. I won't even carry on reading a book if it doesn't prove its worth after the first couple of chapters!

So moving time again. As always I will let you know how it all pans out. 

* I just told the boyfriend and he is ok with it. I said if I stay here then our relationship is doomed and I will need a new place to live anyway. If I move out then maybe we can salvage it. He agreed. Phew!

Trajectories

I just read that Whitney Houston was found dead in a hotel bathtub yesterday aged 48. Obviously I didn't know her, but that doesn't stop me thinking how sad it is. 

When I was in my early teens I used to go round to my friend Sylvia's house and watch MTV. I remember us watching her bounce around singing 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody' and she was all bright eyes and bushy tailed. She was very young, clean and fresh - my friend and I thought she was absolutely beautiful.

I've never bought one of her records, nor have I particularly followed her career but it was clear to see that she turned into a very troubled woman, supposedly led astray by her husband. Her descent from bright young thing into deluded haggard mess did appear to correlate with her marriage but who knows.

The reason her death also resounds with me is that my step-cousin Sean was found last week frozen to death in a church doorway. I remember him from when we were little - his Dad married my aunt and he and his younger brother and sister came into our family. He was only 2 days older than me so we were in some of the same classes at school. He was very lively but we all used to pay together very happily.

Sean was always very troubled though looking back; all 3 of them were I guess. Their Mum was unfit and their Dad eventually became an alcoholic and my aunt divorced him. Sean was naughty at school and by the time I left my home town aged 23 I had no idea where he was. He had gotten into drugs (rife in our area) and once Sean became an adult, my aunt had to start thinking more about damage-limitation to her younger children.

To be honest, I rarely thought about him. We weren't close, he was a liability and he wouldn't accept any help or advice from his family. They loved him very much but over time he ostracised them all, burnt every bridge (or thought he had), and put his family through hell. I hadn't heard his name mentioned for many years until one of my cousins called my last Wednesday to say he was dead.

He'd moved to another city and had been working for the homeless charity Emmaus. He had a place to stay, a job with them, and had started to work as a counsellor for other homeless people. I hear he had been clean of drugs for a couple of years, but that he still drank. Apparently he has been described as an 'all round nice guy', which I remember was never really the problem.

There hasn't been an inquest yet, but I'm guessing he was drunkenly making his way home in the snow, sat for a while in the church doorway and hypothermia got the better of him. Not a bad way to go in terms of dying I guess, but not a good way to go in terms of living. 

So sad and needless all round really. I'm not devastated by either of their deaths, I just feel that it's all a bit of a shame when you remember how they used to be all those years ago. I know we all have to go at some point, but there's no sense in playing on the motorway.

Fucking DVLA

I'm so frustrated I could cry - in fact I just have.

To get my driving license I need a provisional license. I have a provisional license but my surname and address have changed so I need to send off for another one. Which could take up to 3 weeks to arrive. It's already been a week and still nothing.

However, my driving instructor can teach me as long as he has proof that I already have a clean provisional license. But because I can't remember where I was living 23 years ago, the DVLA won't help me. This means I have to wait another 2 weeks until my license changes into my new name (I changed my name by deed poll 10 years ago) I'm really pissed off.

I can appreciate that they need to know that I am who I say I am, but I'm so utterly frustrated and upset that I don't care at this moment. This client wants me to have my license as soon as I can, and he will not be impressed that he now has to wait even longer for this to happen.

I'm pretty sure that I lived with my parents when I was 17 and this would be the address on the license. However it is not. I have NO idea what address would be on there and I'm only allowed 3 guesses anyway. So I will have to call every single day to find out if they have changed my license over before I can even bloody start.

To be honest it's the final thing in an utterly shitty day. Today my heavy bike fell over and the chain fell off, the lock then failed to close and I had to abandon it at a friends. It's been nothing but hassle with that bike - it's too heavy, it was overly expensive, I've paid to have the tyres replaced and now the bloody chain is off. I'm selling it as soon as I get it back to the house.

Then a client said they no longer needed me and I already have hardly any work as it is. Then I found out that I have to wait up to another 2 weeks to even start driving lessons. It'll probably be weeks until I can even get a test date and if the client waits that long for me then it will be a miracle. 

Feeling utterly depressed, despondent, and down. Why is it that everything is always such a fucking hassle for me? Throw me an effing bone for God's sake.

My Friend's Mum Died

I received a text from my friend's partner yesterday to say that her Mum had died that morning. I had taken my friend for tea and cake at a swanky seafront hotel last Thursday and she said the doctors thought her Mum had another couple of months - and yet less than a week later she is gone.

My friend is devastated as you can imagine. Well I don't know how she is as I haven't spoken to her and she hasn't replied to my text. I doubt she can think of anything at the moment. I've done the usual - told her how sorry I am and offered to look after her son or to help in any way I can. But there's little else a person can do in these situations it seems.

What has been shocking is the speed at which this happened. She was only diagnosed around 4 months ago and had been having regular cancer screening up until then. She wasn't even 70 I think and suddenly it's all over her. It's frightening to know that something can take hold of you and kill you that fast. 

Last week my friend said she was lucky in some ways. Her Mum got to see her only son married this Summer without any illness hanging over her (she was fine then with no suggestion of illness) and she got to spend a few years with her only Grandchild. In the future I imagine my friend might be glad that her Mum didn't die at Christmas too. She might be grateful that there isn't a shadow hanging over it so she can celebrate the day with her family without feeling guilty.

The whole thing is just horrible. My friend was worried that her Mum would die on her own as she could only spend 4 days of the week up in London as her husband had to work. I don't know if that happened. She said her brother was also worried he wouldn't be there as he lives in Brussels - they had no timescale to work with you see. She told me her Mum looked at her last week and said "tell me I'm going to be ok". And she simply couldn't. What a thing to go through.

My Friend's Mum is Dying

My friend's Mum is dying and I feel so sorry for her. It's all happened so quickly and my friend is completely distraught and whirling around in a nightmare which will only begin to dissipate with the death of her Mother - and then it will change into something else equally painful.

Cancer is literally devouring her, and from having nothing in her hip 3 weeks ago, she now can't even walk. It is in her head, her lungs, her hip and her ovaries. It has only just been discovered and it ravaging her at an alarming rate. My friend obviously is devastated and I desperately want to make her feel better but know it's impossible. 

My friend knows that treatment will only give her Mum a bit more time, but her Mum seems to think she will be cured and it will all go away. She's not ready to die and hasn't fully grasped the situation - or if she has then she's not admitting it. Also they're not even sure if the treatment will be worth it as it may buy her time, but at what cost?

My friend lives in Brighton, her brother lives in Brussels and her Mum lives in London. She has a 3 year old son and, although her husband is the main breadwinner, she has had to freeze the business she's only just set up to spend all her free time up in London. I've offered to look after her son when I can and I'm treating her to an afternoon out for tea and cake, but I so wish I could do more for her.

When she first told me, she had this look in her eye when she was talking about treatment. Her words were saying there could be hope, but her eyes said otherwise. They were almost imploring and searching mine for an indication that I agreed, and my heart just broke for her. Sadly, I felt both that I understood her fear and that I was lucky not to be in her position as my Dad has just been diagnosed with skin cancer and I felt guilty that he was going to be ok and her Mum was not.

Well, it looks like my Dad is going to be ok. They removed a mole on his arm, discovered it was cancerous then he went back so they could take more away. This resulted in 14 stitches so it was quite an area. He had another one removed from his back and now they have to take more from the area on his arm again. This time he'll have to have skin grafts.

He's not too worried as it hasn't spread to his lymph nodes and the success rate is very high. But part of me wonders if this is it - is this how it starts? After all, we are all going to lose our parents if we haven't already, and then one day it will be our turn. Death moves ever closer and the best we can hope for is that our family (and ourselves) will one day be afforded a 'good' death. My apologies for the morbidity but such is the subject of the post and the reality of the situation.

So while I wait and see what will happen to my Dad, my friends Mum is rapidly and reluctantly dying. Her partner has lost both his parents already so she at least has someone to talk to that understands and can maybe help her come to terms with it, but this is the first of my friends that I've seen go through this and I wish I knew how to help her more. I know all I can do is be there for her but I really wish it was more.

Last of The Hollywood Greats

I've just found out Elizabeth Taylor has died and I must admit to being utterly gutted. I didn't know her personally obviously but as a lover of old Hollywood she came very high on my radar.

Not only was she beyond a doubt one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, she was also feisty, opinionated, determined and dedicated to making a difference. I've read a few biographies on her and really admired her; in fact, I thought she was an incredible person.

I'd thought recently that she would probably go soon but I also kind of expected the old dame to last forever. Now that she's gone, I can't think of any old school Hollywood icons except Lauren Bacall - they're mostly either homogenised bland yo-yo's or technically good actresses but not great Hollywood stars like Joan Crawford, Elizabeth Taylor, Greta Garbo, Bette Davis, Rita Heyworth, Judy Garland, or Marlene Dietrich.

I've very sad to see her go. Liz, you were a bloody star.

Shitty Day

I feel so utterly depressed this evening and I've handled it really badly and taken it out on BBF. My business is not been doing very well recently even though I am working so hard to get it sorted out - I stopped putting much effort in a while back and now I am really paying the price. 

I have never earned this little money before and this evening it has reached a point where I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. I feel so completely worthless that I can't bear it; I can't contribute and I can't afford to go out and do anything with BBF - he has to go out and do things with his friends instead; he doesn't mind paying for me but it makes me feel really low.

He is also visiting a friend of his this evening that I don't care for one bit; I've tried to like them but I just don't. He hardly ever sees them and I know I'm being really unfair on him but I hate the thought of them sitting around getting drunk together and having a good time. And I KNOW this isn't how things are, I KNOW I'm being irrational but I just can't help it. I found myself being really off towards him and now I feel terrible cos he's absolutely amazing and has never been anything less than fair towards me. What a shitheel I am.

This subject of money has come up so many times before on this blog and I am so utterly SICK of my life being ruled by my finances.  I've never had any money and I am so fucking tired of it but I don't know what I can do that I haven't done over the last twenty-odd years of working - I could scream I'm so frustrated but instead I just feel like crying like a pathetic loser, but then I feel like a pathetic loser because I feel like crying. 

My entire existence feels like it's been one long financial struggle; I'm sure most people would say the same but at this minute it feels like it's only me. I feel so useless and I know it will pass and I'll be fine again later and I'll just plod on like I always do but at this minute in time I feel utterly worthless and sick of having to work so hard for everything. I've said it before: even though people say money can't buy you happiness, it would fix nearly every problem I've ever had.

I've just been nominated for a stylish blog award as well - I bet this looks bloody brilliant...

Missing Dexter

I dreamed of Dexter again last night. I've only had half a dozen dreams about him since he died (nearly 5 months ago now) but they always linger long after I wake up.

The strange thing about last night was that I was very aware that he shouldn't have been there. In the dream, I remember saying to someone "maybe there was a mistake because look: there he is and I can hear him breathing" - and I really could hear him breathing! But then as soon as I realised he shouldn't be there he disappeared and I couldn't find him even though I looked.

Usually he's just hanging around and chilling out, but once I dreamed I was trying to stop him escaping out of a car window - but he struggled free anyway and I lost him.

I don't mind dreaming about the little fella, but I just wish I didn't feel so sad when I wake up... I really miss him.

All Change

Right, quick update as I'm busier than a 1-legged man at an arse-kicking competition!

Home - Moving house on Friday. Whilst I was at my parents I got a call from a lady I know who has a little holistic therapy shop in town; I used to work for her 15 years ago and we'd kept in touch. Anyway, she never calls me (I just pop into her shop now and then) and when I asked her why she'd rung me she said she hadn't a clue! She asked what had been going on with me and when I explained she said she had a room coming up.

It's back in town and it's with 4 other people: my friend, her 12 year old daughter, a woman who works in care and another guy. The rent is only £450 per month and includes bills and food! This is unusual, and as I don't eat very well and hate cooking just for myself, this could be perfect.

They all sit down to an evening meal together and have a natter over a glass of wine - if you don't want dinner then it goes in the fridge for when you get in.... nice. My room is smaller but I have a good feeling about the place and very much need some support and happiness around me at the moment. I never usually need much support but feel a bit 'broken' lately and have been quite low.

Work - Business is very good; I do have a £900 invoice that is just about to become overdue though which I'm quite worried about. It's a new client and I have explained that I am unwilling to complete any further work once an invoice is outstanding.... scary as I need the money to move and pay 2 weeks rent on the place I'm moving out of. I have 2 new clients and am really glad that my business is slowly gaining ground each month.

Dexter - It still feels strange that he's not around; I mainly feel just sad about it all now and can barely walk down my road each day without thinking about him dying alone in the dark and cold. I have to see the place where I found his little body each day, and the blood stain on the pavement won't go away. I've had cats for 15 years so it feels really strange - I keep thinking I can hear him, I go down the petfood aisle in the supermarket and I look for him each morning. My new house has 2 cats though which will be lovely.

The Present - I have a hugely manic week which has pulled me out of my slump; I am working tomorrow and Thursday, Have to take a case of books each night to the new house on the bus as I don't have a car or enough boxes (or time to get enough boxes) to carry them. I have a freelancers meeting tomorrow night which I enjoy so will go; I also have to pack.

Friday night is my closest friend's leaving party as she's being posted to Jordan for 10 months, I have to unpack, do a client's accounts, meet a couple of friends, and then Saturday night is 'White Night' where the town comes alive and brilliant and creative (mostly free) events happen all night long.

So my friends, I would like to say how unbelievably grateful I've been for your support and kind words over the last week; sadness is relative and I'm very lucky that I have some good friends. (some of whom I've never met) I do feel much better and I'm actually very happy to be moving for once! I currently live in a beautiful house but it has no heart, happiness or soul to it and I've only been unhappy here.

I've been to see 2 films over the weekend and 1 film just before 'the incident' which I didn't feel like writing about: Surrogates, Up, and The Imaginarium of Dr Pernassus. I will of course, be writing a full and comprehensive review of them all in the upcoming week; along with an update of the move and new house.

I thought this would be a quick update but I was evidently mistaken...

Getting There

It's been a strange week so far; it started off with the most horrid awful thing, which I don't think I have STILL gotten my head around and has just limped on from there.

I know he was just a cat but how unfair is it that he had to be taken away so quickly? He was the one thing that made me happy really; I don't like where I live, I'm trying to get my business off the ground so am working long hours, I'm worried about money because I no longer have a regular job, and I'm single.

I've been at my parents and am coming back to Brighton today; I had been really looking forward to this visit as I desperately needed a relaxing break and wanted to have some fun with my family and friends. Instead I came here distraught, kept making my Mum cry cos she still misses her little cat, and I imposed my misery on my whole family. Seeing my Dad and Brother digging a hole in the garden in the cold and dark for Dexter was heartbreaking.

I do feel much better though - mainly because you just can't maintain that level of misery and get through a day. I bought my laptop with me as I had rescheduled 3 clients so I could go home with my parents; therefore I have needed to catch up on some work so I don't lose any more money. So it has not really been a holiday as such.

Some family have been over to visit which has been lovely, and I took my brother to the cinema last night (District 9 AGAIN if you can believe!) I also went out for a meal with an old friend and ended up laughing my arse off which was brilliant - I thought I'd never crack a smile again 3 days ago.

I know it's obvious to everyone but my pea-brain has never been able to comprehend the way things can suddenly change. I KNOW that anything can happen at any given point but I still can't get my head around it when it does - I'm not very good with change that I haven't instigated I guess.

I'm not massively looking forward to going back to the house today; it's a house of bad memories that I'd already decided to move out of. Ironically, I said to my last flatmate that I had a bad feeling about moving there before I moved out; I didn't know why but I just wasn't looking forward to it and couldn't sum up any enthusiasm. I wrote a list about my concerns and all the things on the list still stand. I didn't have anywhere else to go though so had to move - I also didn't know why I had a bad feeling about it and it looked ok on paper so there was no reason not to move there. 6 weeks later I hate it and my cat is dead. The thing I was most worried would happen to him did.

Like I said, I do feel a bit better I suppose, and I know that I will be ok - but to be honest I've also had better weeks.

Lost in Transition

So as you know, I also moved house 2 days ago. I arrived back in Brighton around 5pm and decided to go straight to the hairdressers - I was not looking my best and knew I wouldn't have the chance to go for a while... I then went to the pub! 

The next morning I packed up my 2 rooms and moved to Hove (or Hove actually as it's called round here) The house I'm in is lovely, my new flatmate is also very nice (to me but never has a nice word to say about anyone else - including her clients), I'm now right by the sea and I also have a garden; there's no dogs running around all over the house and no poo in the yard - yet I can't quite say that I'm altogether happy.

Because there are other people living here (long story but there's 4 and then soon to be just 3) I feel a bit cramped; I know I'll have to move again as I would like to live on my own at some point. I'm really really tired of moving and know that the only chance I'll ever get to stay in one place for any length of time will be by living on my own. There's nothing wrong with it here, but I know I'll have to move on again at some point.

I also have hardly any phone reception (no change there then) I can't get the Internet in the living room and I also live a bit of a way from town so need to get my bike fixed or spend £50 per month on a bus pass. I'm already watching every penny so I can't really afford this. It's hardly the end of the World but I'm tired of everything being a hassle all the time; everywhere now is a bit of a trek.

Also, I have very little money; I've moved in here without a deposit so I know that I don't have a leg to stand on if it doesn't work out and I'm feeling quite vulnerable about it. I know things usually work out and things turn out ok in the end, but I feel pretty insecure about my future. I know it's probably unfounded but I don't feel I have any grounding - I don't feel in a safe position.

Dexter isn't really settling in very well either; it's only been 2 days so to be expected I guess - it's his first move and he's a bit freaked out by the strange noises going on. I have to go away to the last festival in 10 days and leave him with a stranger so I'm a bit worried. There's also loads of cats round here and I'm scared he'll get beaten up or run over. He's been spending a lot of time hiding under my duvet, so now I have a double-sided furry bedspread!

I guess I just want the quiet life; I long for a nice little 1-bed flat with some outside space for Dexter, a place that is safe and away from the bustle where we can just get on with it and settle down. People say that money doesn't buy you happiness, but I can tell you that money would solve pretty much every problem I've ever had. 

I feel a bit lost.