Loser in Love

And three months later I'm single again. Who'd have thought it? 

Everyone who knows me I suspect.

I'm surprised you guys are still even here and bother to read this to be honest. I fuck off for three months in a swirl of hope and happiness then reappear all forlorn and sad expecting you to still be here. 

It did not work out. I feel sad even writing that because I did actually like him. I liked the way he made me feel, I liked that we had a connection... I liked so many things about him. But, like many men before him, he lost interest. It went from "it's you and me now doll" to being dumped by email cos he just wasn't feeling it. "He couldn't muster it" were his exact words in fact.

How shit is that. I'm the kind of person that gets dumped by email. I'm that woman.

There's a scared part of me that wonders if I'll always be single. I don't mind being by myself but I hope to not be forever. I'd prefer nothing to nothing special but I'm kinda ready to meet that something special if I'm honest. It's been long enough.

Each time someone hurts you, you have to pick yourself and be all cheery and happy for the next person. You can't take any kind of damage with you because it's not fair on the next person - but that really is hard. If you were kicked in the face time and time again then there would be some kind of physical damage. It'd be expected. But to keep brushing off hurt and disappointment time and time again is really really hard.

I know it's silly and I know what things everyone says to cheer you up because I've heard them time and time again. But there is a little part of me who doesn't want to admit it but truly wonders if anyone will ever be in love with me - and stay in love with me. 

I don't think I have unrealistic or massively high expectations either.... just the usual ones. I want what most people (men and women) want. I'm not looking for perfection.

So here I am again. I'm just fortunate that the rest of my life is pretty good because my love life is, and has always been a bit of a joke. 

Anyway, enough about loveless little me - how have you guys been? So sorry I've neglected you. x

I Think I Met Someone...

If you look at my last post you'll see that I was about to go out with three more people through the dating site. I went out with Steve and I also went out with Frank... but just once.

Because Steve was taking up all my time, was free very soon after our first date, emailed or texted me every day and seemed very interested, I decided to cancel my second date with Frank as I'd been out with Steve three times at that point and I felt quite uncomfortable dating two people. I could foresee complications if I ended up liking Frank too. Frank was good about it and said he appreciated my honesty and not messing him about.

Three weeks and loads of dates later Steve admitted to not being entirely sure what the hell he wanted. Because I'd felt this I hadn't invested any emotion into him so decided to be cheeky and contact Frank. I'd wondered what he'd been up to and thought what the hell, he can just tell me to fuck off.

He didn't. 

I asked if he'd like to go out for a drink with me and so last Sunday we met up again. We had a brilliant time and, at the end what I guess was our second date, he told me I was "proper beautiful" and asked to see me again. We've been out to see films and dinner (quick work!) and last night he asked if we can "do this thing properly?" which turned out to mean "will you be my girlfriend?". I happily agreed.

Despite not being my usual type (he's like Ray Winstone) Frank is fucking amazing. He's big and blokey and lovely and sweary and honest and he seems to adore me (he doesn't know that I'm really annoying yet!). He tells me how beautiful and lovely I am all the time and just says what he wants, plans ahead, gives me attention (and is attentive) and has made it very clear how much he likes me. 

I've only been seeing him for a week but it feels like forever. I've been around long enough to know not to count my chickens yet, but I also know what someone being honest and not messing you around looks like. It feels like the real thing and I would be truly surprised, gutted and would have egg all over my face if he turned out to be playing me.

He's a playwright for a living but speaks like a right geezer. He's really easy company, funny, intelligent, open, warm and makes me feel like a princess. I think I've finally met someone who is going to make me very happy. I already kinda adore him and am really looking forward to seeing what happens.

Man, I hope this works out... 

Well Hello There - It's Been AGES!

Blimey, I haven't posted for ages. On one hand there's been nothing to tell you and on the other there's been loads. Now it's all build up so I'll  bring you up to speed by doing a round-up kinda post then I can get back on track and you might actually know what the fuck I'm talking about!

Love life - my love life is rubbish. There's no two ways about this one. I've started doing some Internet dating again... I'm sure a few of you may recall how THAT one turned out but if you weren't a reader, it was both funny and a shambles at the same time. These are my dates so far:

Two dates with Terry who was lovely despite the awful name but there was no chemistry. We are going to be friends though because he's interesting and local.

Two dates with Geoff who told me after our second date that he'd been on another second date with someone a few days before and they'd decided to start seeing each other. I was pretty annoyed that he didn't cancel his date with me thus wasting my Sunday and his. I may have had a lucky swerve though as he told me on the date that he felt no passion or drive for anything which made me wonder if that extended to people. Also he couldn't see a face in the grass I was trying to point out in a field (we were up on a hill) which possibly meant he had no imagination. Plus his name is truly dreadful.

One date with Shailen who, despite saying he had a great time and asking to see me the next week, never contacted me again. Pretty fucking rude.

Even though I'm good at being single and love most aspects of it, this doesn't mean that I want to be single forever and spend the next 40 years by myself. It's really hard to meet people though - especially someone who is interested in me in return it seems.

Social Life - excellent. I've joined a few Meet-up groups and can go out every night of the week if I like. I love the gaming group I go to and really like a guy there but he's 9 years younger than me. We get on really well and it's a shame about the age as I'd ask him out otherwise. I also have some amazing friends who have been brilliant recently as I've been feeling a bit down this week. One even came round with cake and took me out for coffee to cheer me up.

Emotional Status - rubbish. This week has been utter pants and I've been feeling quite sorry for myself. There's a few reasons for this:

1. I've hurt my back and can't get comfy
2. My business has been quiet (which never happens) which has made me start to worry a bit about money
3. My ex has a new girlfriend which he met because she lives in his road and just went and knocked on his fucking door. I'm annoyed about this one as, although I don't want him back, I feel that he was responsible for the breakdown of our relationship, my resulting unhappiness, and that he doesn't deserve the ease at which he's found someone new when I'm much more deserving and nobody wants me. It's hard to admit that I'm bitter and angry about it but that is the truth of the matter. I don't want him to be unhappy but I'm annoyed that he met someone so easily when I can't.
4. Feeling rejected emotionally. Even though I don't care what strangers think about me, I guess it's only natural to feel rejected and confused and all sorts of other horribly damaging emotions when someone rejects you (Geoff & Shailen). Even though they were clearly dicks, it's still quite hurtful and has knocked my self-esteem more than I expected.
5. I fell off my new way of eating when my best friend came to visit. Thisnot only made me physically sick (my body actually immediately rejected what I'd just eaten) and ropey, it made me feel weak for going off track so easily once I had company.

Work - mixed. My main line of work has been really quiet (but looks like it might be picking up from today) and I'm in the process of setting up a new online business which I'm pretty excited about. I'd shelved it for a year as I'd been too busy so, whilst it was quiet, I took the opportunity to finish writing the new website and get the logo designed etc. 

Health - I leant over to readjust the sofa cushions last Saturday and twinged my back. It often just sorts itself out in a day or two but hasn't this time - so I feel about 80. I've also started a new way of eating which seems to agree with me. I've been eating a paleo diet for a couple of months and have never felt healthier. It's stopped my sugar cravings and apparently I even look leaner which is a bonus. 

I've never craved pasta and bread (although I like them) but when I fell off the wagon and ate bread and cake recently, I felt like I'd been poisoned and felt shaky and just dreadful really. It's also made me start cooking, which is something I've never been a big fan of. 

Summary - actually overall things are fine but this week has definitely knocked me sideways and I've been surprised at how being rejected by a couple of men has made me feel. I'm not getting any younger and it would be nice to have someone to share things with and I would like to be in love again one day soon. I have my friends but I mean romantically of course. Being rejected makes you question your personality and your appearance - I know you shouldn't feel that way but you can't help it. Your brain just doesn't play ball sometimes!

I've still been reading your blog updates of course and I so hope you haven't all forgotten me just because I dropped off the radar for a bit. x

"The Woman Who Walks Alone..."

I was reading some business blog post the other day and I came across this quote by Einstein: 

”The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before."

I've always liked walking alone and, although I'm not sure if I've found myself in places that no one has ever been before, I certainly live a life that none of my female ancestors - including my mother - has ever been able to live.

A while back I did some extensive research on the maternal line of my family tree and I think about these women often. I think about the limited choices they had regarding who they married and when, how many children they had and even if they would survive each birth, and how a great part of their lives was already scripted based on the limitations society placed on them just because they were women. And those limitations just don't apply to me.

My Mum had me at 16, her Mum had her at 18, and her Mum had her at 20. They all married men who were violent and an utter waste of space if truth be told - and sadly they all had to get married because they were pregnant. They cooked, cleaned, raised children, and basically made sure that every single other person in the family had what they needed. All at the expense of their own ambitions and happiness. Men may help out a bit around the house and with the kids (now at least) but statistically it's women who do the lion's share of the work.

But I don't have to do any of that. I can travel freely, go to exhibitions and the cinema by myself without comment, make my own money and don't have to ask for 'housekeeping' like my Mum did, I don't have to spend my life on my knees scrubbing floors as a maid (which most women would've done until their back gave out and they were unemployable and broken at the age of 40), and I can choose if I want to have children or even be in a relationship. I answer to no-one.

Plus I was given a free education - and even with only five measly GCSEs and no degree I now run TWO businesses. I had the opportunity to make whatever life I wanted for myself and this is something that none of my female ancestors had because of the time they were born in. How fucking lucky am I?!

I often wonder though if I have this life because I walk alone or despite it. Could I have achieved this much freedom if I'd been married or in a long-term relationship? I think I could've achieved some of it but if I'd had kids or a joint mortgage for example then I might not have had the money to travel or time to set up my business as I'd have other responsibilities to meet. I can sit and read all day if I like which is a luxury many women don't have. In fact, It's nearly noon on a Sunday and I'm not even dressed - and I might not even bother!

My personal in-my-heart feeling on the matter though is that I've achieved this level of happiness and freedom because I have no ties. I miss out on all the great things that come with a relationship but I'm also spared all the shit as well. I think women (in particular) are bound by relationships - whether of their own making or not - it just happens. And, weighing up the two, I think I prefer the relationship I have with the world when I meet it head on by myself. The things I lack by being in a relationship (on balance) don't make up for the joy I experience being by myself.

But I also appreciate that that's just me and I how I feel. Maybe I could be in a relationship and not feel hindered by the compromise that seems to come with it. I have a feeling I might find this situation a bit later in life because God knows I've been in a TON of relationships and have never been able to figure out how you make them work and still be true to yourself. I seem to be allergic to them yet keep going back to see if I can find a balance. And although I haven't managed it so far, that's not to say that one day I won't.

I also like looking at Einstein's statement differently. I read it with the emphasis on 'the finding herself' bit. I seem to lose myself in relationships and I don't like that at all. I live a very liberated and charmed life in a time where I have the option of being able to 'find myself' which is a luxury that none of my ancestors had. I think that whichever path women choose, the most important thing is that we can choose - which is something that a lot of women on the planet still don't have.

I've also never been good at physically following crowds which is something that might even save my life one day. I've noticed that most people seem to become like cattle in crowds and just switch into auto-pilot. I saw a programme once where a man escaped a place crash because he used his initiative and jumped over seats when evacuating when everyone else just queued in the aisle until they were overcome by smoke.

The other day too, I was waiting for a train when a platform change announcement was made. Out of around 30 people, only me and one other person moved to the new platform - the others just stood there. They had to make the announcement twice more before the others joined us. So I'm hoping that come the zombie apocalypse my unwillingness to follow a crowd might even increase my chances of survival!

Utterly Relieved To Be Single Again

Since Tuesday I find myself back to being a single woman again and I have to admit to being absolutely ecstatic about it. On Tuesday I gave the guy I was seeing the old heave-ho - actually I couldn't get him out of the bloody door fast enough!

On paper we seem quite suited but in reality? Man that guy had some annoying habits. I'm not the most tolerant of people at the best of times but I think he must have ADD. By Tuesday I just wanted to punch him in the face.

I can talk a lot, but he seemed to have no pause button between his brain and his mouth  and constantly whittered on about nothing - the same boring things over and over again. He also never asked me about my day and talked about himself constantly. He would be round for about half an hour before I'd think "Yeah, I'm fine actually - thank's for (not) asking". 

He also had a ton of addictions - it was everything in excess. I think I just exchanged one alcoholic for another yet he always had an excuse: "it's the end of a long day/working week/football match/whatever" it got that I would hide my wine when he came over cos he'd just gulp it down. He'd see it in the kitchen, ask if he could have a glass, and before I knew it he'd finished the bottle. 

He never savoured anything either, he'd just eat and drink everything as fast as he could then immediately draw long and hard on his 'death flute' (as he called) it. This was an e-cigarette that smelt of vanilla or coffee that he pulled on really hard constantly and I mean ALL. THE. TIME. He'd have it clutched tightly in his hand for half an hour at a time and drag on it so hard he'd be coughing and hacking away. It was incredibly unattractive. 

So I'd sit there watching him wolf his food down (massive portions) then scrape his plate, gulp down my expensive wine then start sucking on the e-cigarette like it was a dummy - and all before I was even half way through my own dinner. He just seemed to want everything in excess all the time and immediately too - the second he felt even a slight hunger pang he'd have to stuff his face straight away. He had no self control or regulation whatsoever.

He didn't like cats so would push mine away when they came near him. He said he was allergic to them which meant he'd sniff constantly then snore all damned night. As you know I paid (I paid remember, he did nothing to help me out with this one) for some nasal strips. But if they came off in the night I was the one who'd be left lying awake and then end up sleeping on my own bloody sofa. 

He was also really manic. He'd come round my flat, chuck his stuff all over the place, talk constantly about himself and his dull uneventful week, ram his face with food, drink all my wine (he never once replaced it), talk all the way through every film we ever watched (except Gladiator - he sat quietly absorbed all the way through that 3 hour film but only after I gave him 3 Valium!), then we'd go to bed where there was NEVER any foreplay, where he'd snore all night. He'd then out of my bed in the morning and not even straighten up the covers, then repeat. And every waking moment was spent dragging as hard as he could on his e-cigarette and obsessing over the battery. 

MY GOD!!! And that's just the stuff off the top of my head. I cannot tell you the utter relief I felt when I told him I didn't want to see him any more. I so do not want to be in a relationship at the moment -  least of all with that boring man. 

I was telling my best friend last night that when you've created a life for yourself that's running at such a high level of happiness it's very hard to adapt to a person coming in and lowering it. I have an absolutely amazing life and have so many things in it that make me happy that a boyfriend really does have to make my life that little bit better - not make me unhappy! Why would anyone want to be unhappier?

I don't work well in a couple and I hate compromising so I might never be in a happy relationship - but I really don't mind. I'm having a great time: both my businesses are going swimmingly, I have some absolutely wonderful friends, 2 darling little kitties, a lovely quiet and sunny flat, and I live in a town by the sea that makes me deliriously happy. I have a great relationship with the world and I seem to interact much better with it by myself. I like my own company a hell of a lot and I'm just not up for dealing with habits of that kind of level.

This gal rolls better alone!

A Problem

It's 6am as I write this and I have to say I'm a little bit grumpy. I've been up since half 5 and the choice was not mine.

My new boyfriend snores. He snores like a fucking percolator in fact and I must have had around 3 hours sleep last night if that - well I know I was awake at half 2 because I was here in the kitchen staring out into the darkness teary-eyed and a bit despairing. And this happens every time he stays over.

I've also got a friend staying and, as she's a doctor in the middle of 24 straight 14-hour days, I offered her my bedroom which means the cats were shut out into the hall and have managed to rip up most of the carpet trying to get in. My friend is staying for a month or so as I'm about to leave for the Festival I work at each August and she's going to flat-sit as she's relocating back to Brighton but can't find anywhere to live because she's being worked to death and has no time to look. The poor cow worked nearly 100 hours last week.

This wouldn't usually be a problem but, because I leave on Saturday, my new fella stayed over as we're not going to be able to see each other again before I go. What do you do about someone who snores apart from shouting "for the love of God, I'm begging you... begging you to shut up!" right in their ear? I try to get him on his side but of course I have to be awake to do this and once I'm awake... well you know how that works.

I think he's allergic to the cats so I hoover the flat and the bed before he comes over, I change the sheets, I use a rubber brush on the carpet to get more fur out, I open all the windows and I've also started using some cat lotion that you rub on them once a week to help allergy sufferers. I've only used it once so far and you have to apply it to them weekly. It wasn't cheap either. 

So now I'm in the same situation as Sunday where I slept so badly the night before that I had to try and sleep in the afternoon so I could feel half human. I've also got so much work on with the festival that I could despair - I so don't need to be tired today. I tried ear plugs when he last stayed over (attractive) but he rolled over and snored right into my head.

I'm a really good sleeper as well. I'm quite a light sleeper but I never have problems getting to sleep on my own and I would even go as far as to say it's something I do really well. I'm just not used to this 'being awake in the middle of the night and crack of dawn' shit and could really do without it frankly.

Any suggestions?

I'm Sizzling Baby!

Things are going really great in my life at the moment. Loads of brilliant things are going on, or are in progress and I have to say that I'm pretty excited for my future.

* Both my businesses are stellar and, although I nearly had a burn-out breakdown yesterday, I can see the light. I'm just about to start selling paid downloads on one site as the traffic has just peaked at 14K hits for the last 30 days. You heard right - effing amazing huh? Basically I wrote a couple of helpful blog posts and they score so high for certain search terms that I had to expand my band width. I didn't even do it on purpose!

So the paid products I've spent ages developing (well 2 weeks but intensely) should be live in the next day or 2 and if all goes well then I hope to be making money while I sleep baby! With that cash I'm going to hire a business developer to help me see how to make even more money by expanding all my businesses. I know I'm doing something right cos people contact me all the time to say how impressed they are with my business models.

* I've seen that the guy who pays for my flat (if you're new here it's a long story but he's an American client who needs a place in the UK but I live in it cos he's never here - nothing dodgy or saucy, just business) has sorted out some post that was being redirected from an old address to this address - which is not something you'd do if you were not about to renew the lease in 3 months... I hope. So it looks like I'll be staying here another year which makes me very happy.

* The weather in the UK is marvellous at the moment. After the longest Winter known to man, Britain is sweltering. I'm not one for really hot weather (really hot weather here is about 30 degrees max by the way) but I do like it to be warm at least. My favourite time of the year by far is Autumn actually but the Winter we've just had was a right malingerer.

When it's too hot though it can be a bit uncomfortable. I work from home so I'm indoors or in a cafe anyway, and I get a heat headache if I'm out in the sun too long. Plus you get a bit sticky and uncomfortable as the UK has no systems in place for extremes of weather. We have hardly any air conditioning for the heat, we can't handle snow, if it rains too much we flood, and the trains will stop running whatever the weather.

* My love life has picked up a bit and I've been getting some rumpy pumpy for the first time since last August. A guy I've dated twice before (another long story but we decided to leave it both times as he was going through a messy divorce instigated by him) so he could focus on his main priorities. Anyway, he's been asking me to hang out for 7 months now and I hadn't really even noticed.

Turns out that he thinks we're right for each other so has been persevering each week to see me again and again. Who knows what will happen there but I'm so glad to be getting some that I'm not thinking too hard about it - that's what kind of a tramp I am.

Bizarrely he said he wanted to be with me 2 days after my best friend and I made a list of the kinds of attributes the kind of man I need should have in order for it to work. And he has all of them so the cosmos was sure paying attention that day. His main fault is that he does talk a hell of a lot (and I can really go on) but he shuts up between the sheets, so if I keep him busy we're both happy.

Overall the thing I'm most pleased about is my business. I get a great deal of pleasure from work but I've never been very good at sniffing out the money. Helping people and doing the work yes, earning a load of money - not so much. But if I get it right then I might finally start to reap the rewards of my hard labour. Eeeeeek! 

It's Not Just About a Beanbag

I've just returned from my ex boyfriend's house after what was a lovely evening ended in a row and me storming off. I think the argument started being about one thing and ended up being about another.

A while back we took a rocking chair and a lovely soft cream beanbag that I owned over to his Mum's for safekeeping as the flat was getting a bit cramped. Now that I have moved out and asked for the beanbag back it seems to have disappeared. It's not so much that it's gone, it's the lack of concern that has angered me.

His Mum has had a vague look and can't find it, she says she doesn't know where it is and hasn't given it to anyone. And that appears to be it. It seems to be a case of "oh we've lost your stuff but never mind". Nobody has apologised or has even given me the opportunity to graciously say "oh, that's ok,  don't worry, these things happen". 

My ex said it was just a beanbag and that "sometimes things just get lost". But things don't just get lost - it must be bloody somewhere. I don't have many possessions and I'm the only person who's even tried to locate the damned thing (I emailed his family to find out if anyone had seen it). Surely his Mum should have done that? I pointed out to my ex that if "someone must have it" then perhaps 'someone' should email all his Mums's friends to find out who. It's the lack of concern or ownership of the problem that I'm annoyed about.

I know it's just a stupid replaceable beanbag but it was mine and I don't lose my things because I take care of them. I rarely lend things and I don't surround myself with tonnes of possessions either. It wasn't expensive but I liked it and wanted to keep it. Whether someone else thinks I should care about it isn't up for debate.

As I walked home I realised I was annoyed about other things I'd lost. I'd also lost my favourite ring while I lived there - I'd had this ring since I was 18 years old and I bought it with my own money. It was the first piece of jewellery I bought and it was quite expensive for an 18 year old. It span round and was so unusual that strangers used to remark on it. I'd had this ring for over 23 years and I loved it dearly. The last time we both saw it, it was on the shelf in the kitchen. My suspicion was that his 16 year old daughter had taken it (all teenagers nick things, I didn't care if she'd taken it I just wanted it back) but when asked she said she hadn't. 

I kind of hoped she had as at least I would have gotten it back. But now it's gone and I'm gutted. I feel bare without it and it sounds silly but I had it so long that I felt it reflected who I was. I had debated long and hard about buying it and it was so expensive (for me) that I kept putting it back but always came back to try it on week after week. One day I asked the seller why nobody else had bought it; she said that lots of people tried it on but that it only seemed to fit me.

I realised that lately I have not only lost my ring, I have also lost my home, my relationship and my cat. And on the walk home I realised that I felt furious about it. I feel from the bottom of my heart that I truly put everything in to that relationship and he was the one who let it slide into ruin. I finally found someone I wanted to make it work with and I put in the effort and he didn't. He was the one who went out drinking the night I moved in, he was the one who had problems and wouldn't see anyone about them, he was the one who pushed me away so he could see the TV, he was the one who stopped trying. And I ended up losing everything I wanted because you can't make a relationship work on your own.

I'd never understood or wanted to try hard to make things work in a relationship before, and I finally did and he didn't bother. I saw it sliding at so many points and tried to talk to him about it but to no avail. I tried to point out that all these little things would add up to it going to shit and he did nothing to stop it happening. I spoke to him about my concerns and he didn't care. He even has form for this - this is how all his relationships end and he's such a dick that he doesn't ever learn and change.

So I think the stupid beanbag represents just one more thing that I've lost without anyone caring that it has gone or taking any care to prevent it. And that's why I'm pissed off.

Man Up Woman!

I write this post from my new flat. I'm sitting up in bed on a grey and dreary Saturday morning in my toasty new bed that arrived yesterday. I haven't written a post in bed since before I moved in with my old bf. 

His bedroom was pretty dark and boyish so not the place I ever wanted to linger of a morning - I used to head to the living room as soon as I got up as it was a bit brighter in there. Basement flats are a bit dull like that.

My best friend is coming to visit for the weekend and later this evening up to 15 laydees are coming over for wine and cake to warm my new flat.  I still need some more furniture, the landlady has done a shonky job on painting the place (woodwork gets sanded first people!) and  work has been scant this month so I'm skint - but I am all settled and as happy as I can be in the circumstances.

my ex came over yesterday as he helped me put up the bed. Our relationship is now in the realms of tricky and grey. I don't know if he's my boyfriend or if it's over. Did we call it a day or are we seeing how things go now I've moved out? We're actually getting on very well now - no bickering because there's no point. 

I thought I'd feel free and happy once I'd moved in and I don't somehow. Maybe it's because someone else is helping pay for the flat that I know it can't last for ever and I'll have to move again. Maybe it's because I thought I'd found 'the one' then it went to shit. Maybe it's because I don't have familiar things around me so feel a bit adrift. I know I miss Dillinger - I don't feel lonely but I do feel alone. 

I don't feel completely discombobulated, but I do feel a little out of sorts - yet I don't quite know why. I'm a little sad to find myself back in this position ("hello back where you started, I remember you") yet I chose to do this cos things definitely weren't right and I wasn't happy. Tip: if you're not sleeping with someone then you're not really in a relationship, you're in 'other'.

Last night I decided that Martha Gellhorn or Bette Davis wouldn't sit around feeling glum and out of sorts; they'd tell me to man up and pull myself together. So this is what I will do. I made the decision to leave, I know it was the right decision, so now I will get on with it.

Maybe to feel more settled I just need more furniture... or a dog.

50 Shades of Awkwardness

My boyfriend and I had 'the chat' about our relationship being arse - this was after he took his fingers from his ears and stopped repeating "lalalalalalalala" so he couldn't hear me spell out the obvious of course. 

It amazes me how a lot of people are happy to just plod on when something isn't right instead of sorting it out or moving on. I can't bear to waste time on nonsense and probably move on too quickly - I won't even stick with a book if the first couple of chapters are crap. 

I explained how I'd prefer us to be great friends rather than a shit couple and that we were pretty much living like brother and sister so what was the point. You're not really having a proper relationship if you're not doing the saucy stuff and, if you're not even that affectionate with each other any more, then it's time to rethink the situation. He said he wasn't very good at coming to terms with things and moving on which was a shame as that's my speciality! I am so good at moving on it's embarrassing. I didn't tell him this of course.

The slightly awkward thing is that we're not really sure what we are any more. Until I move out we're 2 people that sleep in the same bed and kiss and hug sometimes but never snog. It's only after I go that we'll get to see if we can make it into a proper relationship I guess. We're not even sure if we've broken up or not or if we should even be toughing each other. This is why I am very anxious that my client signs the damned tenancy agreement and pays the lease for the new flat asap. I'm not the most patient of people but hopefully it'll all be finalised soon and I can move into my own fabulous flat.

It's been very hard being with someone who says they're depressed. I don't understand when he's depressed or when he's using it as an excuse to be crap to be honest. Apparently there're nothing you can do to help a depressive unless you're an expert, so where does that leave me? Having to put up with it for ever? I think not. 

I'm not one of the world's most sympathetic people and I'm not suited to the role of carer either. Too selfish perhaps, but I'm not going to spend my time helping someone who does nothing to help himself. 

We're still going on holiday together in a few weeks which I also hope won't be awkward, but in a way we're actually getting on better than we ever have because there's nothing at stake any more. We're not arguing because we're not sure if we're together, so it's all a bit odd really but not on a bad way. Hard to explain...

I'm off to my folks tomorrow for a joint birthday party thing. This should be interesting as it's my aunt's 50th birthday and her son's 30th - and she just told me that her son's 'girlfriend' is in her 60's... Now that probably will be awkward.

I've Found a New Home!

Good news - I have found a new place already. I know I work quickly, but damn I'm good!

It was a flat I went to look at a few days ago and it was perfect. The only problem was that there was no access for Dillinger. Yesterday however, I decided that it felt like it had my name on it, so I emailed the landlady, explained that the situation had changed and that my client would be paying for it but I would be living in it and would that be ok? I figured I had nothing to lose and I really didn't want to be worried about living in a house I shouldn't be in.

She said no worries at all and that she trusted her gut feeling which said that I was ok. I cannot tell you how happy and relieved I am. The flat has a one south-facing large bedroom, a very large lounge, a little bathroom, and a small south-facing kitchen. It is perfect. It's right by the railway station, and right by a little coffee shop. The road is quiet, and she is going to paint it white for me.

The rent is £780 per month of which my client will be paying half. With my income and the money he pays me alone, my rent should be minimal and I'll just have bills and food to think about. I emailed my client to ask if the price was ok and if he minded signing a one-year lease and he said the flat sounded great and to snap it up before someone else did. I don't think he really cares as he just needs a flat for tax purposes. How effing cool is that?

I do feel bad about my little kitty, but he is far more independent than any other cat I've ever had and I don't think he cares where he is as long as he's comfy and someone feeds him. I'd like to travel more next year and, as a friend pointed out: yes I have a responsibility to him but I can't allow the next 12 years of my life be dictated by a cat. My parents said they'll even take him and, although they have 2 large dogs, they also have a 100ft garden leading out to open fields. I think he'll be fine.

Me with short hair in Sorrento a few years ago

I haven't told my boyfriend that I've found somewhere yet - I'm meeting with the landlady again tomorrow to discuss details and deposits and I'll take it from there. We did address our relationship situation today though and have pretty much broken up. I said I'd prefer us to be good friends rather than rubbish partners. We've had a good try and it's simply not working out. He's pretty sad about it but overall it feels like a smooth transition and I think we'll stay friends.

We're also still going on holiday together in a few weeks and are both still happy to go. I said I would buy him out if he wanted, but he said no. I'm pleased that everything seems fine and we're going as friends. There's much less bickering as friends and no expectations on the other person! We're going to Sorento where I've been twice before and I'm really looking forward to eating nice food and reading my Kindle overlooking the bay of Naples with a glass of wine and some cake.

Although it feels sad that something that was once great and could have been greater has ended, I do feel like I'm about to embark on an exciting adventure... and I can't wait.

Unsaid Certainties

Thank you for all the lovely comments about my situation - I thought that with such an absence you'd have all forgotten about me. It's so nice to have this secret support network over here. And it's really, really appreciated.

This morning my boyfriend had a bit of a go about me filling the kettle up, I explained that I was going to use it for a hot water bottle and then a cup of coffee and "was that alright?". 

I know it was only a small thing but I'm tired of someone questioning my decisions and telling me that I'm wrong if I have a differing viewpoint. I'm bored of explaining, justifying, and defending my opinions, I don't want to be told how I shouldn't think or feel a certain way and should think or feel something else instead - because I just don't. And I know I've passed the point where anything can be done to salvage the situation because I've tried everything and I'm exhausted.

This is such a shame as I'd always been sceptical about love and thought I had been wrong when I believed I'd finally found it, and now it seems I was perhaps right in the first place. Maybe moving in with someone is the kiss of death, maybe I'm not the relationship type, or maybe he simply wasn't the right person. Or Maybe all three? We've left it that I'll move out and we'll then see how our relationship goes, but I think we both know what will really happen. 

Well I know I do.

And The Housing Solution!

So as I mentioned in the previous post, I emailed the American client cheekily asking if I could find him another flat for when his lease is up on the 20th November... and he said yes!  In fact that's all he said. I opened with "would you be open to the possibility of..." and he sent that one word answer. He's not a very chatty man...

I don't think he really cares to be honest. As long as the flat is nice, not too expensive, and quite central then he's not too bothered. The routine is that I find him a place and pay the deposit from his account (I'm a signatory) the agents then email him the contract and ask for references. He scans the forms and emails them back along with a wire for 6 months rent up front (nice) I then get the keys. And this time I move in!!! Blimey.

I haven't told my boyfriend yet but I could barely sleep for thinking about it. I've basically been told I can just go and find a nice one bedroomed flat for myself and my cat then pay half the rent. When does that happen?! I think this was the thing that kept me from leaving to be honest, that and the fact that I do actually care about my boyfriend - I'm just not sure if I'm in love with him. Not how I want to be in love anyway.

I will let you know how it all pans out and at the same time will try not to bore you with my love life. I feel bad talking about him so meanly as well because he's a good bloke but I don't think he's the bloke for me any more sadly. I just have to extricate myself from this situation with as much damage limitation as possible - for both me and him. 

We're also going on holiday together to Sorento for my birthday at the beginning of November for 5 days. I will have to tell him before then obviously and the only 2 options are that we still go together, or I buy him out and go with someone else or on my own. The holiday was very cheap so I could afford to do this. 

It's all quite exciting, scary, a bit sickening, and very sad. But sometimes these things don't work out and you just have to move on. This is such a shame as my boyfriend is a really decent person who's heart is in the right place, but we don't really make each other happy any more. He's said that in the past he'd stayed in relationships even when they weren't working, but I'm not like that and I need to move on as quickly as possible. Life is too short to do anything you're not really into. I won't even carry on reading a book if it doesn't prove its worth after the first couple of chapters!

So moving time again. As always I will let you know how it all pans out. 

* I just told the boyfriend and he is ok with it. I said if I stay here then our relationship is doomed and I will need a new place to live anyway. If I move out then maybe we can salvage it. He agreed. Phew!

Housing Dilemma - AGAIN!

If you know me or have been reading this blog a while, you'll know that I have moved house about a billion times. For some reason I've found it impossible to find a home for myself. Not just a house but an actual home where I can stay for a while and relax in with all my things around me and no nightmare flatmates or noisy neighbours.

Brighton is a nightmare for housing. I'm 40 and cannot afford to live on my own - hardly anyone can. A tiny one-bed flat here is at least £700+ per month and a bedsit is about £600+. Bedsits are tiny, they are diddy, usually horrid places that you'd go mad in. I don't want one of those. 

At the mo I live with my boyfriend in his flat. I've had issues with this as mentioned in a previous blog post. His basement flat is dusty, spidery and really dark. You have to put the lights on in the back of the house to see even in the Summertime. It's rammed full of his stuff that he won't get rid of, and the flat in no way reflects my taste or personality. We're also having relationship problems...

Things have changed in the 2 years since I met him and I'm not very happy. Without over-sharing we are more like flatmates who just sleep in the same bed, or like friends who aren't always very friendly towards each other. He has changed from a brilliant find into someone I don't think I want to be with any more. I think he's always been like this but I didn't realise how much it would effect me over time.

He sometimes suffers from depression yet refuses to do anything about it; he's really lazy, incredibly unmotivated, and all he likes to do is to go out and drink for hours. That's his one and only hobby and he has nothing else in his life that makes him happy. He's not an alcoholic but I don't like it when he goes out and comes home stinking of booze between 4 and 5 in the morning (5 o clock last night and 4 o clock on Friday) I'm not impressed by his lack of ambition and I don't really respect or admire his lifestyle either. My real father was (is) a complete drunk and it's not something I like being around. My boyfriend is never violent or anything - it's just very boring!

This sounds really harsh I know, but when you're quite a positive and motivated person (or trying your hardest to be) being with someone who is so negative about everything can really bring you down. 

I didn't know he was going to be like this as we got together very quickly and I moved  in after 3 months. He even went out drinking with his mates the night I moved in. This man is 41 and I don't think I really want a boyfriend like this. It's been like this for so long now that I've been thinking of moving out.

You may remember that I have a very wealthy American client who paid for me to learn to drive as well as flying me out to Vegas for a week for his son's birthday. He has a one-bed flat here by the Marina that I found for him that he hasn't even stayed one night in. The 6 month lease is up in November and I emailed him to remind him of this - I also mentioned that I was thinking of moving but would make sure there was no change to his service.

He suggested that I move into his flat and then pay him half the rent - when he comes to town he would simply stay in a hotel and use the flat to store bits and bobs. I think he just needs a UK residence as he has a company here. On one hand this would be an amazing opportunity for me; to get a one-bed flat for under £400 a month would be remarkable.  I'd need to put some of his stuff in storage to get all my stuff in, but the problem is that it is a bit small (I chose the flat for his needs not mine) but there is no outside space for my cat Dillinger.

I love my little cat and I really don't want to leave him, so I cheekily emailed the client today suggesting that I find him another property of the same value with outside space so that I could move into it. What a nerve I know! I just figured that it wouldn't hurt to ask and he doesn't really care one way or another. He's hardly here and if I pick a place I can also live in, then it costs him even less. You never know.

So all in all a bit grim at the moment. The words "I don't want to be your girlfriend any more" have been on the tip of my tongue for months and months. we've only been going out together for 2 years and things have been a bit rubbish for most of this year. Surely relationships shouldn't be this hard? You shouldn't have to work at them this hard! The thing is I haven't split up with him. A friend of mine remarked that this was a very strange thing for me - she said I was usually very decisive and she'd never seen me faff around like this.

I don't know why this is, but I don't think this is the type of relationship I want and I'm tired and bored of trying to make it better. But I really don't know why I haven't given up already when I feel like I've tried everything. You can't make a relationship work on  your own..

I'll let you know how it all turns out.

Did You Miss Me?

Hello everyone again. I bet you thought you'd seen the back of me eh? I'm so sorry that I left you. I didn't mean to disappear but it just happened. Part of me thinks that it's only the non-busy that can blog y'know - I have 2 other blogs that I write as I have 2 businesses but I'm going to try and put a stop to that. I have an overwhelming desire to simplify everything. I desperately crave a more balanced life again.

So I'm starting that by making time to come on here and not to leave when I'm busy. So here's a massive brain-dump summary of what I've been doing to get you up to speed:

I'd been trying to sort out my work life for a while now. I have 2 businesses but I like doing one more than the other (which I'm more known for annoyingly) so I've decided to focus just on that and put all my marketing and mental efforts into just one instead of both so I can get my life back. Strangely, once I'd made that decision in my head (which was a coupla days ago) I felt so much lighter. The world seemed simpler and I even started to walk slower and take my surroundings in instead of hurrying around with my head in the future.

I also had the Green Man Festival going on that long-term readers will know that I work at each August. So for 2 months before the event I'd been doing pre-event work plus some extra work the organisers asked me to sort out this year, plus running both my other businesses, plus having a personal life. So there was just no room for writing this blog. Or maybe I just didn't have enough to say to make the room I'm not sure.

Things are still up and down with my boyfriend. Sometimes things are great and some days I want to throttle him. I'm not sure I work well in a relationship. I'm not good with putting up with someone else's shit, and I like living alone with everything how I like it. Here I live in a small, dark one-bed basement flat with someone who also works from home. The flat gets dirty really quickly and is a haven for spiders which, as you know, I'm terrified of. I can't afford to move out, although that's not the reason I stay. 

I think relationships are hard work in general. When you're used to having your own way all the time and not having to take into consideration... well, anyone, it can be hard to suddenly have to do that. I know the things he liked about me at first also drive him mad (my independence, and endearing selfishness to name but 2 things.) He in turn goes in and out of depression (not because of me) which as you can imagine is a right barrel of laughs. 

You can't fix a depressed person it turns out. And I'm not the most sympathetic of people either "cheer the fuck up and sort yourself out" isn't the thing to say apparently. We'll get there I guess - either that or I'll smother him in his sleep. I do love him so we're trying to work it all out - living on top of each other like this isn't helping that's for sure.

Last night a really horrific thing happened. To be fair, it wasn't as horrific as when I opened the back door a few weeks ago on my way to peg the white wash out and a medium-sized garden spider fell straight down my top. That was pretty bad. I let out a rather piercing shriek and hurled the washing to the floor as I panicked and jumped up and down hysterically. No it wasn't as horrific as that, but it did come close.

I was in the kitchen making some toast. I made the snack and went back into the living room. A while later I wandered back with my plate to see one of the biggest effing spiders I have ever seen crumpled up on the floor half squashed but very dead. I realised that I must have accidentally stepped on it while making the toast... in my bare feet.... IN MY BARE FUCKING FEET!!!!

Moving on from that harrowing story (you need to know these things and I need to get it out of my soul), I'm currently watching the closing ceremony of the Paralympics which is amusing really as I believe I was the only person in the UK not to watch any of the Olympics or Paralympics - I do like a good show though and there's nothing us Brits do better than put on a really weird, surreal show for the rest of the planet to puzzle over. My hairdresser said I was the only person she's asked who didn't watch any. I feel a little proud of that for some reason.

So I think that's it for now. I don't want to overwhelm you with so much riveting information that you can't sleep tonight from too much excitement. I intend to come back shortly and tell you more about the festival and other things that I've been doing. This is what I intend on doing anyway...