So I guess I haven't posted anything for a while - this is because I have been doing nothing but driving. Driving, thinking about driving, dreaming about driving, worrying about driving and worrying about my business.
Not only has learning to drive been harder than I thought (scary right turns across junctions and navigating roundabouts - apparently thickies learn to drive quicker than intelligent people as they don't over-think everything) but being in limbo for a month has been even harder.
My business is hanging by a thread until I can pass my test and get a job with the client, so it's a bit of a worry that I haven't even put in for my test yet. I'm just ticking over so I can dedicate 20-odd hours a week to driving and now I don't know if I'm coming or going. Nothing is stable and I have wild moments of insecurity and fear which are totally new sensations to me.
Not being able to do something correctly every day for a month has made me doubt other things in my life which is something that I also didn't predict happening. I sometimes even second-guess myself when I walk across the road and I often make silly mistakes driving when I know what I'm supposed to do. It's disconcerting, frustrating, and brings out emotions that I don't like and didn't even know existed. It's been quite horrible in that way actually.
I have 2 driving instructors as well. One who has the better car (smooth, with power behind it) but spends 20 minutes explaining everything in frustratingly pointless analogies when he could just tell me. He also seems to want me to be the best driver on the planet before I even think about taking a test. The other one is more test-geared but has a shonky car. I've done over 50 driving hours in 4 weeks and I want to be done with it but the thought of doing a test scares me as well which is also an alien emotion... grrrrrrrr!
I cannot wait to have something certain in my life again. I need to know if I have a new job or not, if I have a business or not, if I'm leaving the country of not, if I'm leaving my friends and boyfriend or not, and where my next pay cheque is coming from. It may all sound like a pathetic first-world whinge, but my life has been in limbo for a month and it's very tiring.
I shall sincerely endeavour to write something more interesting on here soon!
Keep going, girl! It will be worth it. x
ReplyDeleteNot a boring post at all hon - this is one of the things blogs are good for, getting it out and down on paper. I think I know exactly how you feel, that time in life when things are up in the air can feel a bit like vertigo, but let me tell you, when it falls into place, however things turn out, it'll feel great! My advice? Get the test booked - even if you fail it first time, you'll have done it once and it's MUCH easier the second time. Plus, no-one is going to beat you with a stick for failing (and anyone who gets sarky about having passed first time is a cocky and unsympathetic F*!$er, it took me 3 goes) And if you pass first time, all the better!
ReplyDelete