I've been thinking about Mothers Day today. I've never felt the pull towards having children; my clock just doesn't tick in that way and although I don't mind their company, I have to admit that I often find children noisy, irritating and boring... So it's best all round that I haven't got any then!
Although I know that motherhood is different for each woman, I can see that it is mainly about sacrifice and selfless giving - it can't be any other way and neither should it. Selfish or not, it just has never appealed to me; when I've been asked to justify my reasons for not wanting children (for yes, some people find it hard to believe that I don't want one!) it truthfully comes down to the fact that I want my life to be about me and to never lose my sense of self.
I have nothing but admiration for my Mum; she has spent her whole life sacrificing things so that I now have the choice to live the way I do - she has said before that she envies my freedom and that, although she is grateful to have me, if she could go back then she might not have done; she would have had a life for herself first.
When I look at her life, I can see that it was all spent looking after my Dad, my brother and I, she hasn't had a life of her own as she was only 16 when I was born. I know she could have done the things she wanted to as well, but there was never really the time, the money and I believe the support to do so. Her whole life has been about other people and I've never envied her for it - in fact, I've held it up as a life I most certainly wouldn't want for myself.
As far as I can see it is mainly women that hold families together and do the lions share of the work; they cook, clean, do the shopping, make sure that the kids eat well and have everything they need for school, they remember birthdays, sort Christmas, arrange family holidays, and do a million other small things that nobody ever notices - they basically make sure that everyone's lives run smoothly and that everyone is happy. I'm sure there's pleasure in it, but this does not look like fun to me and has never been something I've aspired to.
So hats off to all you Mothers out there who hold the World together... especially mine.
You've described it perfectly. My mother once said the "if I had it to do over, I wouldn't" thing, and at the time it hurt my feelings a little, but now I understand what she meant. I wonder how many writers, artists, scientists the world has lost to motherhood.
ReplyDeleteOh my God... you have it down perfectly.Children are noisy, irritating and boring.. and that's just mine.As a mum you are in a catch 22 situation. With them you are unfulfilled and miserable a lot of the time... without them you would be unfulfilled and miserable.Once you are in the parent trap there is no way out.Its not the sort of thing that is nice to admit in polite comapny, but I have hated being a mum for most of the last 11 years even though I was desperate to have children and from the outside people say that I am kind and patient and an excellent mum. Inside I am longing to just be with my Man and do the things we could do before kids came along and swallowed all our time and money.My career is gone, my figure is gone, my social life is gone.... Not that I'm bitter..
ReplyDeleteI have two girls 9 mths and almost 4yrs and I would say they are far from boring. They make me laugh. (Im fully aware they may reach an age and it could all change very quickly). As a parent I think it is very important to remember your children will grow up and get on with their lives, so you shouldn't lose site of your own life, and if I need anything they are always their for me. My parents are very sociable and have their own interests but my mother-in-law refuses to cut the apron strings and tries to live her life through her kids which can be very annoying and suffocating, I find it hard to get on and be a family with just me, my partner and our children with her always lurking about, (my partner doesn't see this, causes lots of rows). As much as my children are my life, my job is to raise them, love and cherish them and let them grow up and be independant, and always be their if they need me, but also still have my own life being a mum is also being a role model.
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