Don't Tell The Bride... She's Marrying a Dick And Looks Like All The Other Brides

There's nothing on telly this afternoon (is there ever? a billion channels and fuck all on) so I flicked through and caught the tail end of Don't Tell The Bride'. If you're not familiar with this show, they give some bloke 15 grand to sort out every detail of his wedding whilst the bride holds her breath hoping her beloved hasn't forgotten all the unnecessary expensive and pointless details or chosen a shit dress. Which he usually has.

Details like chair covers. Brides seem to care about what the chairs look like and what stupid little 'favours' they're going to give people who have usually travelled miles, in new outfits, bearing gifts the couple have told them to buy. Any 'favour' I'd like would be to not have to spend so much money on a couple who already have everything actually, but maybe that's just me.

The thing that always gets me when I watch this programme though is that pretty much every single bride ends up with the same dress. No imagination. They all end up wearing a strapless white dress with  their ample back fat spilling over the top of a lace-up corset. Horrible. I used to work at a wedding venue and nearly every bride arrived wearing a variation on the same dress - and hardly any of them looked good in it.

Strapless dresses do not suit many people and the one on the show was no exception. By the time the make-up artist and hairdresser finished with her she looked like Princess Anne - and she liked the look. Yup, despite saying "I don't look like myself" she was happy to shuffle down the aisle to Pachelbel's clichéd Cannon in D in a fake tiara and cheap shoes to marry some prat who had forgotten most of the things she'd misguidedly set her heart on.

The groom had run out of money (he spent it on a chocolate fountain) so had to borrow some cash off his mum for a photographer, and it looked like he'd fucked up the hen do as well as when I turned the show on she was borrowing some money off her Mum so she could stagger drunkly around town in L plates with a large inflatable cock. she mentioned (bitterly) that he was shit with money and that she'd probably have to sort that out after they got married.

After the ceremony in a huge pretentious castle which they had no connection to, a large owl flew down the aisle with the ring (I'm not even kidding) and the bride's Mum nearly cried cos she was terrified of birds. They finished off with karaoke which the bride hated. "I hate karaoke" she spat as a fat woman screeched I Will Always Love You in the background. "I've always hated karaoke, and I'd have never have chosen this". Regret wafted over the guests like a bad smell and she looked like she wanted to stab him in the face.

Basically she had married her son but they were both dreadful people to be fair - he said he loved the power and wished he could hold the power for another day. It was the most power he'd ever had in their relationship apparently but she was ready to snatch it back. He was pretty incompetent so perhaps she had a point keeping him on a short leash but my guess is that his balls were in a velvet-lined box on her dressing table and she wasn't about to give them back. 

I reckon they were either divorced before the show aired or they were made for each other.